welcome to turning red that is about
periods kinda not really
eh not too sure and the main character
of this movie is one of the most
annoying characters in overwatch mei a
chinese canadian overachieving eighth
grader that is a slave to her parents
well specifically her mom that's kind of
a [ __ ] she goes to school we see her
friend group we got tomboy crackhead and
death and on their way home they crush
over devin a [ __ ] bucket hat [ __ ]
in a 7-eleven then they crush over
four-town their version of one direction
which is confusingly made up of five
people beggar to stay and hang but she's
like sorry gotta attend to my womanly
duties but mei you clean every day and
that guy's is how you lose your entire
female audience in the first 60 seconds
of a video they do a stupid dance and
she gets on a tram that she's late for
very nice of the guy to wait for her
wouldn't make sense so it is [ __ ]
kanada anyway she gets back home to her
mom which is the typical overbearing
asian mom like my daughter must get good
results
help clean run the family business we go
to math and all that stuff you know then
they sit down their temple light up for
their ancestors who are like their gods
in a way actually the pandas are there
no okay let me get this so they think
their ancestors are pretty dope and
their ancestors thought that red pandas
were pretty dope and my parents were
like oh sick bro and they blessed them
with some [ __ ] something along those
lines all right understand and after a
long hard day of running their tourist
business they watch tv
that's what i said see she gets it mom
then insults her friends then the [ __ ]
goes to do her homework and
this dense [ __ ] you know that
the trash can has holes in there right
that's just probably all over the floor
you dumb [ __ ] anyway creepy bliss and
her starts feeling the horny for
7-eleven devon and draws fanfic hentai
of him in her notebook under her bed
that her mom finds out because she can't
act cool about it to save her life my
mom's like what the hell is this is this
7-eleven devin does he do this [ __ ] to
you oh i'm about to whoop his ass and
she goes right on over there to [ __ ]
confront 7-eleven demon without even
consulting her daughter for anything
like any good parent would do what a
[ __ ] jackass and she embarrasses her
poor child in front of the surprisingly
packed supermarket and then kid goes
home and going nuts due to shame in her
room and while she sleeps in the night
she gets a weird dream and wakes up as a
red panda freaks out mama's concerned
and figures out through female code that
her kid is ketchup packeting for the
first time she bursts in the bathroom
with the appropriate supplies that don't
lock the [ __ ] bathroom door it
doesn't look like they have a lock on it
who the [ __ ] doesn't have a block on
their [ __ ] bathroom door whatever she
doesn't actually see the kid as a panda
because some food catches fire so maybe
rushes back into her room and finds out
that she can turn back into a room by
calming herself down and remaining zen
and she goes to school trying to remain
in the state of stoicism and
unbotheredness but [ __ ] be testing
her with the 7-eleven devastatory and
she goes bare in the classroom when she
finds out that her mom has been stalking
her and kicks poon's job with the
security guard to run over and give her
period gear in front of her entire class
instead of just asking the principal or
something like that to pull the kid out
of class and give him the pads like any
other non-dipshit parent anywho she gets
embarrassed i'm smart and her mom spots
her in this form and so do many other
people when she does her destructive
escape from school back home and once
she gets there her mom catches up in her
dad's legs happened already and she's
like
and they explained to her that all the
women in her family get the power to
turn into a red panda once they come of
age using their fee wings and she gets
mad at that thinking her life is over
and whatnot but it's cool because they
can turn it off right by doing a ritual
where they trap the soul of the red
panda in a pendant on the night of a red
and the reason she didn't tell her this
before is because she thought she had
had more time she see the signs blah
blah [ __ ] excuses but what annoys me
the most is that she just assumed that
they were on the same page with being a
big red monster when she said i'm a
bigger monster in the bathroom when
literally one question would have
avoided a whole lot of [ __ ] and gave
a lot of [ __ ] clarity like hey
daughter is this period with panda or
just panda or maybe just period i don't
know how this [ __ ] works might not be a
package deal you feel me anyway
assumption is the mother of all [ __ ] ups
mom's a stupid [ __ ] lord moving on mom
says he only gets one shot at the
ceremony and the more the panda comes
out the harder it will be for it to get
trapped independent and for the time
being till the next red moon she shall
stay in an empty room to avoid more
morphing accidents then in her room
she's surprised by her friends who find
out about her period for sonam and
comfort her back into a human so well
that she now can control her super
period power and they all tell her that
they want to go see a jones weather
concert because fourth house is in town
or that is coming to town and after her
parents test her emotions to see if she
would react using various objects that
trigger her emotions and stuff including
the final obstacle which is a box of
kittens i cannot believe they just had
that on tap like that but whatever she
then makes the pitch to her parents to
go see four town now that she can
control her panda but mom say no and i
can't say anything because he's a beta
or he just kept yes honestly then
grandma calls because she saw me on the
news and is coming to help and mother do
not like that because she is worse than
her apparently and that school mate
throws in the ball hard enough to be
illegal in dodgeball how the [ __ ] is
that even there is no such thing [ __ ]
[ __ ] stupid coach it doesn't matter
because i need to pee so i'm gonna let
someone else stick it over for now all
right take it over mini movies oh this
is the perfect segment to bring me in
playing with balls my specialty the
coach instructs his students to be like
water isn't made chinese that's kind of
racist we turn to the girls whining
about not being allowed to go to the
four-town concert then abby shows off
her ball handling skills even brings her
mouth into play impressive but that
don't sound right suddenly mae's mom
pulls up for a spy sash but then
dangerously skirts out of there further
reinforcing the stereotype that asian
women are bad drivers this infuriates
may causing her to nearly murder this
child in cold blood with her panda
powers okay he was teasing her about her
mom so he had it coming may runs off to
chill and her friends follow girls never
go to the bathroom alone she's
devastated that her mom doesn't trust
her to go to the concert even after
fulfilling her duties as the
stereotypical straight a asian student
then may hatches a plot they could just
raise money to buy their own tickets but
how suddenly abby inexplicably craves
the warm embrace of maize panda form
understandable she hops on and may
enters her imagination what the
difference drugs for different folks i
guess may pandas out which is almost as
cool as morbid out the door opens uh oh
the cat or should i say panda is out of
the bag but it's all good the girls are
enamored by the panda form and are even
willing to pay for it and so begins the
grind may and her gang go full
influencer mode relatable establishing a
panda brand full of dripped out
merchandise every day mae returns home
with her parents none the wiser and
hides her goodies underneath the bed the
next day at recess the girls are tired
of all this child labor which is a
certified bing chilling moment too far
may rages out and unlocks a new form
anime girl mode complete with tail and
ears suddenly a sussy boy from
underneath the bleachers threatens may
he's going to tell her mom that she's
been flaunting her panda which if this
wasn't a kid's movie i would think is
something else anyway he wants her to
perform at his birthday party calling it
a favor i call it blackmail may
reluctantly agrees cause the cash is
good i respect the grindset back at home
may pretends to leave from athletes to
which her mom acceptedly wishes to join
also she can dislocate her arm at will
weird flex but okay on the way out the
pair are ambushed by may's grandma and a
bunch of other smelly old ladies they
call mae fat before lecturing her about
her powers meanwhile the party has begun
and everyone is bored someone forgot the
weed mae bails on her fam and prepares
to hop out the window but then her
grandma barges in and confronts me about
her pubic hair feeling guilty about her
power overuse may arise at the party
donning a fake bear outfit lame try as
she might peer pressure eventually
overcomes her and she bears out the kids
ride may all night long wholesome
afterwards me and her friends celebrate
before checking up on the four town
concert four town huh more like four
clowns i'm sorry uh-oh turns out the
concert is actually on the 25th which is
the same date as may's ritual she starts
wilding out then the birthday boy
demands more rides things get heated
when he calls mae's mama psycho and says
her temple is goofy as hell in
retaliation mae jumps down and maims the
poor guy permanently disabling him just
kidding i'm sure he's fine meanwhile
mae's mom checks up on may and uh yeah
she arrives shortly after and is torn to
bits by the boy's parents right i am
back
why was that flush so loud because i
have a fully functioning toilet in my
room so i never have to leave for
maximum efficiency
oh okay then why didn't i hear you
peeing
because i pee on silent mode by hitting
the side of the ball like any normal
human being [ __ ] i'm not an animal
oh my god all right anyways back to the
movie her mom blames her friends for
being battle influences on her although
this was all mae's idea and may says
nothing to defend her friends so she
doesn't want to support her mom and goes
home with her mom friends are
disappointing her in turn and we speed
boost over to the day of the red moon
and the fourth town concert where the
girls go to the concert without me and
before the ritual [ __ ] dad goes over at
his wise kind dad giving her some words
of wisdom something along the lines of
yourself or whatever and they begin the
ritual which requires more stuff as i
said and here they are a circle for the
[ __ ] to be in a shaman with a sword to
laser beam my forehead a red one cuz
don't know china maybe and singing from
the heart doesn't have to be chinese
[ __ ] throat music could be a blink
182 song if you're so pleased it doesn't
really matter it just has to be from the
heart so they do all that and she gets
transported to a bamboo rambler
or whatever the main ancestor's name is
is with a mirror to pass through and get
rid of the panda she struggles through a
bit but halfway she's like you know what
i changed my map and goes back poof
elephant toothpaste everywhere she's a
pan that mom's like it's okay we can do
it again hey you said you only got one
shot do not miss your chance to blow
this opportunity comes once in a
lifetime yo this [ __ ] alive anyway mae
wants to keep it and go to the concert
and they try to hold her back to no
avail my mom gets mad because her mom's
annoying and her kid is annoying and her
panda pendant breaks because it got
cracked and she becomes a panda again
her panda is massive like godzilla
massive by the way so assuming that she
went to the same panda face in the same
way that her daughter did even if she
didn't how the [ __ ] did she not manage
to kill her entire town or the whole
temple or whatever she was in at the
time and how did they keep it under
wraps that was my biggest concern here
but i have a few more questions do you
have to have the pan dependent on your
person at all times because that's kind
of stupid if it breaks that easily also
another question if the panda is ready
to appear then it is your period then
does it die when you stop getting
pierced like at 40-ish actually i don't
care whatever maybe skips and hops and
pops and skydives over and into the
concert if you could break in undetected
all along that easily why the [ __ ] was
money even a problem [ __ ] also nobody
notices this which is kind of believable
it's a concert no one's paying attention
or maybe i don't know whatever she
somehow finds her friends who took care
of her tamagotchi and makes up with them
then they find out that birthday boys
[ __ ] ass also likes fourteen and they
vibe with him and right as they start
saying mommy pandazilla arrives and the
whole stadium clears out for a panda 1v1
me tells her the pandoring was all her
idea like i'm changing mom this is not a
phase okay sorry i'm not perfect like
you and is instructed by her family to
keep her and a massive circle they're
making to do the ritual for both of them
again before the red moon is over and
she employs the elite tactic of twerking
to your parents to keep them busy and
for anybody thinking of how mean it was
to call a panda hoeing take a deep hard
look into the scene and really ask
yourself who is the [ __ ] over here
probably still me but whatever doesn't
matter then she pops and jumps around
her mom some more and head butts her
unconscious out of the circle and tries
to drag her back in but her mama's so
fat she can't there's no punchline she's
just fat so her elders all break their
pendants and become pandas too and help
her drag her mom into the circle this
one wasn't rude or running by the way
they dragged her in while sing but it's
not loud enough and it's not working i'm
guessing the circle's too big so her
friends somehow managed to get four town
to sing now how the [ __ ] did they manage
to do that unimportant the heavens open
for them and mei finds a kid version of
her mom in bamboo heaven and she's all
like i'll let it be perfect enough for
my mom and may is like don't worry ui
kid mom mom kid kid mom and takes her
over to the mirror where the rest of the
ladies are mom and mom's mom make up
they all pass through the mirror except
me and the wrestling [ __ ] face ancestor
finally smiles upon her and gives her
eskimo kisses whoopty [ __ ] dude
they're forever in debt now because they
have to pay for the stadium they [ __ ]
up but it's okay because making go out
as a kawaii cat girl this movie gets 11
senpai's out of 5 onichons
[Music]
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