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coronavirus has hit the US and the CDC
is issuing new warnings today over the
severity of its threat it could
literally be anywhere at any time
and you won't know until it's too late
jesus-fuckin'-christ
here why everything will probably be
fine from the onion and onion Public
Radio I'm Leslie price and this is the
topical if these are indeed the end
times wouldn't you want to find out from
a podcast and I know I would stay with
us the topical is presented by cash app
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using promo code topical it's the story
dominating the headlines this week the
corona virus continues to infect people
so far in over 53 countries including
the United States and now it looks like
conditions may be getting worse the CDC
held an emergency press conference today
warning Americans that new research
shows that the virus dubbed kovat 19 has
become so advanced that it could mutate
into anything or anyone even someone you
trust it could be a house plant or a car
or a nun suspicious-looking chair or
even someone close to you your mom your
spouse your best friend it could be
right here in this room right now it
could be you or you were you or you or
you or you or all of you OPRS Allen
Potts has been following this outbreak
and joins me now in the studio hello
Ellen hi Leslie that was CDC director
Robert Redfield this morning just before
accusing several reporters of being a
shape-shifting coronavirus and rubbing
hand sanitizer all over his body
he eventually calmed down enough to
explain that while viruses mutate all
the time in order to survive this one
was different and especially hard to
identify here's what symptoms Redfield
said to look for in a possible walking
talking corona virus
symptoms can be hard to spot for
instance your coworkers Steve may look
like Steve but he is no longer Steve he
will seem a bit off dead I'd even and he
will try over and over to put his mouth
on top of yours to transfer the virus
yikes Alan let's talk prevention how can
you keep this virus from gaining your
trust living in your home and sleeping
next to you in bed night after night the
CDC lists several tips on its website
but is noting that the use of medical
face masks is not recommended since the
virus can just as easily mutate into one
of those two they are though offering
detailed instructions that can prevent
spreading and contracting the disease do
not seek medical attention since
morphing into a doctor is exactly what
this thing would do to get inside you
stay in isolate yourself cut off all
ties to friends and family and
definitely get yourself one of these a
nine-millimeter semi-automatic pistol
mild recoil high-capacity magazine works
on even the toughest of viruses this is
all very alarming but L and I think the
question on everyone's mind here is how
much of this is an actual threat and how
much of it is just the CDC being overly
cautious well according to the CDC you
can never really be too cautious with
the conniving virus like this one and
considering it wants to invade your body
and multiply millions of times inside of
you you're always better to be safe than
sorry
well to be honest it all sounds like a
big hoax to me but thanks anyway Alan oh
well and it looks like you've got a
little something on the side of your
mouth there oh yeah here let me get it
for you
my god what the hell was that thing what
was apparently the coronavirus no
kidding well seems pretty dangerous oh
man I could barely keep up with the news
anymore
well should we do this segment I think
we're good
no all right well that's OPR Zelan putz
everyone next up a strange story out of
Minneapolis earlier this morning three
roommates living on the north side
confirmed that their fat fourth roommate
was traveling all the way to Tennessee
just to some girl Opie our
correspondent Jenna Resnick joins us
from Minneapolis hi Leslie
Jenna help us out here because I can't
figure this one out well you're not
alone
early this morning Minneapolis resident
Michael Paulson surprised his roommates
while they were eating breakfast by
informing them he was on the way to the
bus station where he was apparently
preparing to board a Greyhound just to
go pork some chick he barely knows which
is strange because normally you don't
need to go to a bus station to do that
exactly and his roommates were confused
at first as well I spoke with one his
name is Nathan and here's how he learned
about it
yeah so we both work at Guitar Center
and Mikey was like hey man can you cover
two of my shifts too dude two shifts
what's going on and he said he was
taking a week to head down to ten of
C of all places and I says if we
could feed his lizard while he was gone
at first he wouldn't tell us what he was
up to playing coy and but we got it
out of him and what they got out of him
was was in fact what they had suspected
that their fat roommate Mikey had met a
girl online named Lindsay or something
they couldn't really remember but the
two posted a lot in the same reddit
forum which led them to start exchanging
emails a few months ago and talked about
getting an air B&B in Memphis now he's
hauling his fat ass halfway across the
country to visit her which his roommates
confirmed as an insane thing to do just
to hit him he said they both want to
check out the barbeque scene and some
kind of bluegrass festival music
happening but come on dude are you
seriously that desperate because like
Mikey is fat but not super fat and he's
not gross or anything he most
he takes care of himself and his
personality isn't even that bad so he
could probably get laid without having
to go all that way well I think it's the
question on everyone's mind here is
Michael straight up lying good question
is there even a chick waiting for him
down in Memphis no way to know for sure
obviously Nathan admitted he was also
skeptical and asked Michael to show him
a picture of Lindsay which to him seemed
quote pretty legit and even kind of cute
but that didn't put to rest all his
worries if she is ooh a cup with some
fat dude who lives hundreds of miles
away I don't know like no offense to
Mikey but like she's got to be crazy or
something if he's the best she can do
but I didn't get a chance to warn him
he's left after I spoke with Nathan I
was able to finally reach Michael
Paulson himself in Memphis he confirmed
the roommates account of his departure
and said that he was just excited to get
to know Lindsay more and then if
anything happens it would be cool but if
not that's cool too well sometimes I
don't know what these kids are thinking
Thank You Jenna thank you hey topical
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topical
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part of what's most beautiful about life
is just how much there is in this world
that we don't know well I'm about to
make it a little bit uglier here's what
else you need to know today US
government officials confirmed today
that the state of Nebraska is missing
and has been missing for the past three
years efforts are underway to locate the
Cornhusker state but officials leading
the search effort aren't confident it
can be found at this point the TSA has
announced that beginning this month they
will be phasing out the use of all glue
sniffing dogs the security
administration praised the dogs ability
to locate and identify adhesives
but said the decision was necessary
because quote they were just getting way
too up at work and big news for
amusement park lovers Hellmann's has
announced they'll be opening a new theme
park this summer that is set to feature
the world's longest lazy mayo River hmm
sounds relaxing that's it for the
topical today I'm Leslie price join us
tomorrow for the incredible story of a
real-life Harry Potter a young boy who
was discovered dead inside an English
family's closet
oh man I love those books that more
tomorrow on the topical
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you