when I did fentanyl I was like
oh I I think I'm gonna die like I was
like really like scared what I looked
like was a depraved impoverished 98
Pound heroin addict that's what I looked
like once I saw myself and I could see
like I'm a failure I'm never gonna find
love I'm never gonna get married I'm
never gonna have a career of my dreams
I'm never gonna make any money all these
dreams that I had I could see that I was
really never ever ever gonna achieve
them
that was enough to help me take that
first step into sobriety so when I got
sober I was
done
yeah heroin and cocaine were my
favorites like I you know the rest I
could kind of
take or leave because I was in so much
pain and heroin really numbs you of all
feeling and cocaine is great because it
makes you think you're amazing and so
what I was lacking was confidence and
the remembrance of who I truly am so
cocaine's great for that for about
two minutes and then heroin lasts for
about I don't know a day it just knocks
you out and you feel absolutely nothing
and it takes like eight months to get
really hooked on it which I
did and then I was really hooked on it
for years to come yeah watching watching
your content um we're just watching
interviews I heard you say that sex
drugs in rock and roll isn't self a form
of meditation what do you mean by that
it's just those are like easy streets to
remembering what what the truth is right
like I remember snorting a line of coke
and I was for instance like one story
I'm at a party hanging out with this
celebrity who was a big deal to me he
was really funny he was a comedian he
was someone who had influenced me quite
a bit in my life and I was in my 20s I
was on heroin and cocaine and we were
snorting cocaine together
and when I started cocaine I was like
something happened to me where like the
best most amazing version of me like the
best-selling author that I currently am
all the things that I've done would kind
of funnel through me like I'd have these
like exuberant moments where for an hour
I was like the full embodiment of Viet
and what it meant to be me and so I was
being that I was I guess I was saying
really charming and entertaining things
and I was being brilliant and I was
being funny and he just thought I was
amazing and he turns to me and he's like
you know
you really should write a book like
you're you're so interesting and I I
just remember feeling this feeling of
like oh like despair in my whole body
because I knew there was no way
I was going to be able to write a book I
was gonna wake up at 8pm the next day
hungover with like needing to snort
heroin order some Chinese food and then
snort some more heroin that was like as
good it was as it was gonna get and this
guy saw the being in me he saw the
greatness in me and I could feel it I
was like the distance between my
greatness
who I really am because I started some
coke and my capacity to actually follow
through were like zero like and so what
I'm saying it is a pathway yes if you
want to feel like you're the most
amazing person on the planet that you
have a purpose that everything that
happens in life is meant to be that you
are connected to the universe and to God
and to the cosmos and you're made out of
stars and love is the only thing that's
real if you want to feel like that for
five hours snort some coke like that's a
way to do it it really works but
then do you want follow through do you
want
um what's that word integration do you
want results
that's not gonna work like you can't use
cocaine to acquire results and
embodiment and actual transformation you
can only use it to get glimpses of
spiritual truth you seem like you're
pretty like confident like that right
now
um
to take a guess or you didn't do a lot
of coke before this podcast uh because
you're pregnant so how do you how do you
get that confidence or that energy
without it now now after the fact well I
have it all the time because my
practices allow me to like I do breath
work that I found it every single day I
sit in meditation I read contemplative
literature I move my body every day I
help many people I feel like service
allows me to remember who I am and the
truth is is that I want to share this
because I think it's so important in
such a such a key thing is that even
though I have found the answer to life
and even though I share it with so many
people and even though I'm thriving in
my life I still have moment where I
forget who I am and I feel that kind of
knife in my gut feeling like sometimes
something will hurt me or someone will
say something or something will happen
where I'm like you know what maybe I am
really just a total loser and
and those moments I have tools that I
turn to and super efforts that I reach
for that I only do once I reach those
Pinnacle States let's say someone is in
the middle of an addiction that they're
battling with right now
um sometimes I find that with anything
the hardest step is to take is the first
step and so what would you say would be
a first like practical step someone
could take to overcome addiction before
they do anything else I think the first
step to take is a tool called divided
attention which is a law inside my book
it's the first chapter of my book if
anyone wants to like really get into the
nitty-gritty of it but I'm gonna explain
it to you here so this will be enough
help just to be make your beginner so
divided attention is a meditation
technique that you use to divide your
attention through many things you know
I'm recording this podcast episode with
you I'm in a sunlit room I see the
sunlit room
I'm breathing
and then I'm just floating above myself
like as if I was a cameraman like I'm a
Kubrick or something and I float above
myself and I see myself with my hat with
the bridge of my nose the movement of my
lips and I just see myself from above
and I ask what do I actually look like
who am I from above like seeing myself
but the point is to divide your
attention between where you are and your
feeling body right here and then seeing
yourself so I did that before I got
sober off of heroin over and over and
over again I just kept dividing my
attention dividing my attention dividing
my attention and one day I somehow
succeeded and
a crack kind of in The Matrix occurred
where I really saw what I looked like
and what I looked like was a depraved
impoverished
98 Pound heroin addict that's what I
looked like and I once I saw myself and
I could see like I'm a failure I'm never
gonna find love I'm never gonna get
married I'm never gonna have a career of
my dreams I'm never going to make any
money
I'm never gonna make it in the music
industry I'm never going to be a
best-selling author all these dreams
that I had I could see that I was really
never ever ever gonna achieve them that
was enough to help me take that first
step into sobriety because I was like
I don't want to do this I was 29 at the
time I was like I don't want to be this
monster
at 40 because I'm just going to be a 40
year old version of this disgusting mess
that I've created like it's just gonna
get older it's not going to get prettier
you know yeah and it's tough because you
have to have that motivation behind
quitting right but I feel like also
sometimes people know like they have the
why of why they should quit but they
still do it anyways for me if it hadn't
been for all the substitutes I found in
sobriety
I would not be sober today like for
anyone listening who's addicted to
something or a bunch of things or is God
forbid where I was or worse you know I
know many people are like on the verge
of dying of fentanyl overdoses like I've
done fentanyl I have crawled across
floors vomiting I have I really remember
when I was found fentanyl because I'm a
heroin addict like that's my that was my
drug of choice when I did fentanyl I was
like
oh I I think I'm gonna die like I was
like really like scared I actually
wasn't I was like I think I'm gonna die
I was just kind of like you're so
relaxed on fentanyl that you're kind of
some like
surrendered to whatever it's doing to
you so I remember crawling across the
floor to vomit in a toilet and being
like Oh I think I'm gonna die like I was
that close to death and I didn't even
really mind because I I think there was
like a part of me that was just like
it whatever you know like I hate
this world I hate this life I just want
to get out
so what I will say is I've been sober
for 14 years and my life every single
day since I got sober through all the
pain all the things that I've been
through all the moments whatever none of
it I wouldn't trade any of it for like
time high today
why is that
because I'm really alive you know I'm
really here and I'm also moving like I'm
moving up a mountain like my life
changes my being changes I'm radically
growing and surprising myself I would
say like I believe in a higher self like
what I call God but I'm not religious I
believe that I'm getting to witness that
power every day and from and like it
gets to enhance the lives of millions of
people like I just feel so blessed that
there's a reverberation from my work
rather than me just all alone in a
depraved State on the verge of death in
a shitty apartment making no money being
like oh wow the meaning of life has been
shown to me what use is that to
anyone else how selfish is that so you
remember the meaning of life and you're
about to drop dead in the bathtub who
gives a even though people know
sometimes the addictions that they have
are wrong or they know it's leading them
down a bad path they still do it anyways
um why is that what are they what are
they searching for
that and the drugs that they can't get
in real life I think there's so many
answers to that the first I hear is like
an intolerance of reality like life here
on Earth is very colorful there is a lot
of pain there's a lot of pleasure
there's a lot of ups and downs there's a
lot of effort required like when I say I
work out every day I do breath work
every day I do spreadsheets I make cold
calls I'm like that is not all fun some
of it is work and as a drug addict it's
very weird for me to do work it's it's
very counterintuitive I should say even
today 14 years sober I think it's
counterintuitive to do things that my
illness of my mind tells me are
dangerous or bad you know
so I think they're trying to avoid the
color of Life which namely is pain you
know for me like I would rather
I would go to the ends of the Earth to
experience pleasure you know like I was
willing to die for the endless pleasure
of heroin and cocaine and all that stuff
um I would say the other thing is
enabling like if you're on all those
drugs like you're probably being enabled
by someone or many people and you're
probably manipulating and hurting a lot
of people and there's a shame that is
usually there for for addicts like me
that you'd have to confront that shame
and actually say wow I'm a using piece
of abusive person daughter son
friend lover you name it
but you're not getting there's nobody
getting a hundred dollars worth of
heroin a day that isn't manipulating or
hurting someone like this is not
possible so what do you think is your
biggest
um mistake that you made during your
recovery that maybe some people can take
some lessons from
like did you have any pitfalls um any
mistakes I don't think I never tried to
get sober personally I was such a
self-absorbed piece of alcoholic
that it never occurred to me that I
should try to get sober because I was so
entitled and I thought to myself if you
had pain like me if you were an artist
like me so talented
so talented and no one can see how
talented I am no one no one knows
because you're not putting your
out there you know what I mean it's
like whatever but back then it felt so
like uh the world is put upon me I'm so
talented no one sees me and so it never
occurred to me to get sober because I
was like a person like me deserves the
Ambrosia of drugs
and I deserve it so when I got sober I
was done like I was literally
done so there was no pitfalls for me I
literally was like lifted to the place
pretty much that I am now except it was
like you know what they call like a pink
cloud or something like I just holy
I think I can do this like I think one
like one minute at a time I was like I
think I think there's something on the
other side of this that's like worth it