[Music]
the US continues its dependence on
foreign toil the White House announces
Sasha Obama will now be played by
Britney Watkins and a new report finds
global warming is caused by 7 billion
key individuals keep your retinas a
fixed to the screen until the neural
configuration program has been fully
implemented good now this is the onion
week in review this week distressing
reports confirm that numerous helpless
articles about the Philippines typhoon
were currently clinging for dear life to
the edge of reader Scott Welker's
Consciousness sources found that despite
holding on with all of their will to the
outskirts of the 27-year-old's Mind most
details of the defenseless news stories
were almost instantly washed out of his
awareness many also feared that factors
such as the storm occurring in a foreign
country the lack of almost any uplifting
details and Welker's General disinterest
in the death of over 10,000 people could
cause these articles to be lost forever
in an unsettling video released over the
web this week Buddhist extremist cell
kamana vowed to unleash a massive wave
of Serenity in Nirvana all across the
West members of the group threaten to
implement such severe measures as
tranquil chanting meditation sessions
and eye-opening coins and assured us
leaders of the group's absolute
commitment to engulfing Americans in
complete and unyielding Enlightenment
here now is a clip from the video we
will not cease until every city from New
York to London succumbs to a state of
spiritual
Harmony prepare prare yourself sources
confirm that the Pentagon responded to
the film by by ordering immediate
tactical bombings throughout tibc
24-year-old wesleyian University
graduate Zack Wallace told reporters
this week that he simply had no idea how
his parents would ever manage to pay off
the massive student loans he had
incurred during his undergraduate career
Wallace who graduated with a film
studies degree in 2012 and has since had
two unpaid internships noted that after
looking at several bills he worried that
his parents lack the savings to ever
fully escape from the nearly $35,000
they owed for his education way I see it
if the economy doesn't pick up in a big
way they're going to be paying for the
rest of their lives and on top of it all
they have to help me out with my rent
too I mean it
sucks really really sucks and in Tech
news the inventor of the grar says he's
determined to put a grar in every
American Home in other news an open
floor plan increases an office Shooters
productivity by 95% a woman who had
almost formed a healthy sense of self
joins social media and an area man can
remember exactly where he was and what
he was doing when he assassinated John F
Kennedy we're leaving now viewer but
fear not for in only 7 days we can
reunite at this exact place to rekindle
this little flame of ours for more keep
checking the onion.com