thanks for watching this episode of
angry video game nerd vpns are important
so that's why i want to take a minute to
talk about today's sponsor expressvpn
expressvpn gives you access to content
that's unavailable in your country by
rerouting your connection through
another country's server so it appears
like you're browsing the web from that
country to get ready for the halloween
season i wanted to re-watch one of the
old vincent price classics netflix
didn't have any of the ones i wanted to
watch so i changed my location and
expressed vpn from the us to belgium and
success everything loads super fast in
high definition without any buffering
and it's really easy to use expressvpn
also encrypts your network data keeping
it secure whenever you go online plus at
less than seven dollars a month it's no
wonder why expressvpn is the world's
number one rated vpn find out how you
can get three months of expressvpn for
free by going to
expressvpn.com cinemassacre or by
clicking the link in the description
below
[Applause]
[Music]
oh
now
let's go back to the past far back i'm
talking old school none of this ps4
[ __ ] what's that stand for piss on
the floor well five is out so i'm a
little late on that stupid joke
well you know me i like atari
colecovision and television so why
haven't i done an episode on the
commodore 64. it is episode 198 after
all well i have reviewed some commodore
games in the past so roll the clips
i'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping
on a space shuttle
i have no comment yeah that's another
thing about the commodore it only works
when it feels like it
well anyway the game sucks gotta give it
the batman punishment
[ __ ]
it's enough for this [ __ ]
but let's take a closer look at the
system itself now of course it wasn't
just a gaming console it was a personal
computer one that many remember with
great fondness it was a computer for the
masses not the classes
commodore made a whole series of
computers beginning in 77 with the pet
you ever had a pet computer well you
can't have a computer for a pet but
you'd have a pet for a computer next in
1980 came the vic-20 which i've actually
shown you before first exhibit is the
count on the vic-20 and what the [ __ ] is
a vic-20 well it's an old commodore
computer from 1980. thought the
commodore 64 was primitive well check
out the vic-20 look at that cartridge
that's what you call a game the
competition was apple ii and atari 400
and 800 and even the radioshack trs-80
yeah they all had better sound and
graphics though the vic-20 had a slight
advantage using composite connections
instead of that rf [ __ ] next in 82
came the commodore 64 named after its
64k of ram long before the nintendo 64
would be named after its 64 bits what
makes it interesting is that the games
came on multiple formats cassettes
cartridges and floppy disks both the
hard floppies and the floppy floppies
whenever it's hot in here i just fan
myself with the floppy floppies
or make a house of cards
or not
the disk drives and hardware were sold
separately and had all these different
names like the commodore 1530 data set
and the 1541 floppy disk drive these
weren't without their issues such as the
disc getting stuck and needing a butter
knife to pry the damn thing out it even
had a printer doubt i have any ink but i
do have the perforated paper yeah this
was back in the dark ages when printers
were unable to [ __ ] out a piece of paper
without these holes so that the gears
can grab onto them and advance the paper
through i distinctly remember printing
out happy birthday banners and stuff
like that which would just print across
several sheets of paper it would come
out it would take like an hour and be
like
yeah man commodore 64 was crazy it even
had the incredible music keyboard yeah
sure is incredible then there's this
whole programming book this is how a lot
of game programs will get their start
here is with the commodore you could
actually program your games or even
reprogram some of the ones that already
exist on there
yeah
but what's really impressive is how many
games were made for the commodore it's
so
many that i've never even found a
definitive number it seems there were
maybe 2 000 games but if you count every
commercial software title including
office applications the number might
have been as much as ten thousand
but anyway take a look at my collection
here so many games i have commando
predator
robocop somebody's tax documents from
1989
yeah i got these collections in large
groups so lots of random stuff made its
way in seeing all these handwritten
labels reminds me of the old days when
everyone used to copy [ __ ] same as today
i guess but only the format has changed
as a kid copying games was so common i
think i saw handwritten labels more
often than their proper labels
certain games i don't even know where
they came from it seemed everybody's
grandpa or uncle had some poker game
that they got from somebody who got it
from somebody else and yes viruses were
a thing back then but i realized the
best solution for a virus is to have a
computer that's so shitty the virus will
go nah
but that's not to say the commodore 64
didn't have copy protection the most
common method which i've mentioned in
past episodes was the code cards where
the game won't start before asking you
which characters appear in a certain set
of columns and rows but some of them
took it a step further by making it an
impossible shade of brownish maroon so
you couldn't photocopy it or barely even
look at it then there's this one how the
hell does this thing work man they got
real creative with some of these codes
it's like some kind of covert spy
operation but let's take a step back
when you first power up the machine you
get a command screen nothing unusual
in the 80s that's what you see when you
start up a computer there's no apple
logo with a deafening dong
nothing like that no you just see a
bunch of words on the screen you type
stuff in and that makes it go
so if you know the load command let's
all say together load quote asterisk
quote comma eight comma one yeah that's
what you put in and you have to do it
every single time you wanna play
something why do i gotta do that
i'll tell you why because it's actually
not as random as it seems
the asterisk tells it to load the first
file it finds which should be the first
file in the game but sometimes you
actually have to put the name in the
first number specifies the device 8 for
the disk drive and one for the cassette
and the last number does some other [ __ ]
it loads the game into active memory but
it depends on the game because sometimes
that doesn't work and you have to put in
run yeah the commodore was like a secret
club you had to know the password
after you start the game it's common for
it to take ages to load but it's better
than downloading software updates every
time you try to start a modern game
though in all seriousness it probably
has the longest load time of anything
i've ever seen and sometimes it comes
with a trippy display of colors
[Music]
and after that you get a beautiful title
screen but that doesn't mean the game is
working you might get as far as a menu
but it's very possible nothing else will
happen so then you scramble and try
everything you can sometimes you gotta
hit enter f1 or spacebar or that extinct
forgotten key of run or press the button
on the joystick
or press the button on the joystick
while it's plugged into port 2 and
sometimes none of that works
i've tried every key sometimes every
single key which is kind of exhausting
it does help when it's plugged in but
anyway i invented the commodore 64
keyboard presser presses every key
i've even tried using the commodore mini
that's right the commodore mini with
some select pre-installed games they
work fine but in order to access the
vast library of the commodore 64 i had
to add some roms and connect an old
keyboard even utilizing the built-in
virtual keyboard for that elusive run
button but still more than half the time
the games just don't want to start so
what does that mean were the games
always broken to begin with
well now you know why it's taken me 198
times to finally do a commodore episode
it's not like the nes where it just
starts up well most the time
the nes and future game consoles were
like the young children who want to play
you say the nes hey we're playing clash
at demon head and the nes goes yay but
the commodore 64 is like some old person
you say hey you want to play and it goes
my [ __ ] back hurts get out of here
but don't worry we're definitely playing
some games unlike the atari 5200 episode
so once you're actually in a game
there's one final threshold to get past
the controls if nothing happens it could
be the joystick is meant to be plugged
into the second port it could be that it
uses the keyboard it could be that the
joystick is disabling every other key
yes that's actually happened to me
before when i plug in a joystick half of
the keys stop working
it could be this it could be that it
could be that there's a gremlin in your
house back then there were no standard
rules for controlling a game it wasn't
as simple as bna for jump and attack it
was all just a mystery to figure out
take this laurel and hardy game for
instance i ran back and forth finding
nothing but dead ends so i'm sure
there's something i'm missing and i've
tried believe me i've tried
you know what's perplexing me even more
is who the hell decide to make a laurel
and hardy game i mean i'm all for it but
you think any kids knew who laurel and
[ __ ] hardy were
but that's what makes the commodore so
awesome it seems every franchise every
movie every game series had a title on
commodore big trouble in little china
had a game on commodore that sounds like
something a fan would come up with i
can't get over the fact that it was
licensed as a real video game and not
many people even know about it being
that it was such a cult film you don't
expect it to get made into a game it's
not that great though i just move left
just keeps on going and going and every
once in a while i fight somebody i don't
even know where kurt russell is
the simpsons arcade one of the most
popular arcade games i've ever seen
common as dirt at every roller rink and
laundromat should have been on super
nintendo or genesis but no commodore 64
where it looks and plays like [ __ ]
street fighter yes the original street
fighter was on commodore it's barely
functional mash keys and hope for the
best
well that was easy
one hit takes down the opponent i
wouldn't even bother trying any special
moves if there are any the subway
background might be one of the ugliest
backgrounds i've ever seen one backdrop
says blockhead for some reason
blockhead like in gumby or charlie brown
oh and the taunts are the best wow
that's such a demoralizing insult
yeah but the crazy thing is the
commodore had street fighter 2 yeah here
it is in the box and if you look at the
back you can see from these screenshots
the graphics are just as good as the
arcade
wow
now let's check out the actual game
holy [ __ ]
this is the worst false advertising i've
ever seen they use screenshots from the
arcade because they were too embarrassed
to show what it really looked like no i
take it back they weren't embarrassed
they didn't care so basically this is
street fighter 2 the [ __ ] edition turdo
and no i didn't expect anything better
on an older out of date platform but why
why would you even bother putting this
on commodore and who bought this
me
there's also a thundercats game wow dude
a thundercats game in c64 glory lionel
looks like a buff napoleon dynamite
glitches aside i'm sure it must have
been really cool seeing one of your
favorite cartoons becoming a game but
it's more entertaining to clean up cat
vomit i might even have some right now
and it would be better use of my time
than this
alf
yes alf there was a goddamn alf game on
commodore so let me ask if it was your
job to come up with an idea for an alf
game what would you do how about an elf
head floating around the streets
that's it great idea
occasionally there's a cat or another
floating head who's that supposed to be
willie willy ha
this makes the sega master system
version look awesome
next golden girls on commodore i'm just
kidding then there's he-man imagine
being a kid in the 80s and having a
he-man game on a home computer because
hell yeah it's [ __ ] he-man and it
actually has the music from the show
even though it eventually turns into a
weird droning sound
[Music]
what's really cool is that enemies
killed are tallied by skulls cracked
i've played a lot of games and never
seen it called that but the one thing
that truly sucks about this game is that
to jump you have to hit up and diagonal
i can understand up but up in diagonal
with this you're guaranteed to [ __ ] up
and fall over and over oh come on come
on
son of a [ __ ]
but there's another he-man game he-man
jr gotta love the illustration the only
way that drawing would be impressive is
if it was done on the ljn video art it's
a top-down view bullet hell shooter kind
of like akari warriors and it goes on
and on as you fight doctors and scrubs
and hungry plants from little shop of
horrors skeletor makes an appearance so
that's cool i guess
after i killed him i came to a dead end
i mean i just killed skeletor so
maybe i beat the game and they just
forgot to program an ending that's a new
one then there's double dragon not as
good as the nes or arcade game obviously
but it works well enough it's one of the
more playable games spacebar jumps so
there's actually a jump button and it
responds weird thing though who the hell
is wanted for fifty thousand dollars
looks like someone from earthbound of
course there's plenty of superhero games
on commodore 64 like the amazing
spider-man but there's nothing amazing
about this bag of ass i don't know if
you're in a casino or a closed grocery
store at night sounds like he farts when
he lands on his butt
i like the giant image of spider-man
over there just to remind you what game
you're playing with batman 89 based on
the movie the music is pretty good but
the strange thing here is they
programmed a suicide button if you press
down you die what's the point i don't
know i guess you can get stuck sometimes
and in my experience it seems after
you've killed yourself once batman will
keep dying over and over so i doubt
that's supposed to happen but it did
happen
so there's a game called mario's brewery
okay a game with mario drinking beer of
course i had to play it but it turns out
it's just a donkey kong clone and was
not licensed by nintendo so if you ever
wanted to play donkey kong but instead
of donkey kong being an ape he's a
fermenting tank for beer then this is
the game for you
now of course i have to play terminator
because hell yeah it's one of the
greatest sci-fi movies of all time i
gotta see how it is on the commodore
[Music]
the game is called
terminator but it's just a friggin space
shooter so i've been fooled the game
just happens to be called terminator not
based on the movie i've just been
motherfucked
okay next we have cyberdyne warriors
does this one have anything to do with
terminator
after all it's named after the company
that created skynet or it just happens
to be a coincidence not related but the
name cyberdyne was actually used for a
japanese robotics company well that just
seems like tempting fate and is [ __ ]
terrifying anyway the game is just a
generic run and gun platformer shooter
but it's not bad in fact i'd say it's
better than many of the terminator games
i've reviewed besides the music is
legitimately awesome
now we're talking terminator 2 judgment
day now this is the real deal we know
this one's definitely based on the movie
so let's check it out
um
okay
commodore 64 is like a box of chocolates
you never know what you're gonna get you
might get like a flashing light show or
a loud beeping sound or just a bright
white screen that blinds you come on
load you son of a [ __ ] load
well
i tried
i wouldn't be able to get this game to
load to save my life just a blank white
screen
but hmm
maybe that's judgment day maybe the nuke
exploded and that's it
so i made my point every franchise ever
was on commodore
but the real treasure lies in all the
games that you never even would have
thought existed things that you couldn't
even imagine so now let's dig into some
games that are a hundred percent
we
how about apple cider spider where
you're a frog hopping through an apple
cider factory while avoiding spiders or
bouncing heads where you're going around
collecting lips or a game called get off
my garden you're an r2d2 watering can
defending your garden from croquet balls
and teddy bears yeah get off my lawn you
[ __ ] but i bet this game holds the
distinction of being the only game to
have a game over screen that says uh
dittums
then there's a game called cockin the
one with the really weird cover art that
i talked about before you play as a
rooster going around a hen house
avoiding porcupines but the best part is
when the hen bashes you over the head
another one with some pretty crazy cover
art is gianna sisters but the game
itself
wow
does that look familiar at all despite
being a mario ripoff it went on to
become a popular series okay here's one
called sex games
wow sex games funny to think this would
exist back in the early days of video
games they had their priorities now i
don't think i could show this one but
it's kind of like those adult atari
games except this one's a little more um
detailed but the real funny thing is to
control what's happening here you have
to shake the joystick like this up and
down really fast
that's what you do
just make sure to grab the right one
then there's a game called thing on a
spring what is that thing on a spring
now if you were a thing on a spring
you'd think you'd be real good at
jumping right but no the jumping sucks
so anyway you're just helplessly hopping
around avoiding pig heads and getting
punished by everything in sight and when
you get a game over it really lets you
know
in your face
then there's revenge of the mutant
camels you're a camel jumping around
[ __ ] out baby camels to be honest i
don't know exactly what i'm supposed to
be doing
but damn this is awesome there's even a
face designing program called face maker
hmm
not quite as advanced as nintendo's me
maker then there's dancing monster
[Music]
what
the
[ __ ]
next up street
[Music]
hassle okay this is one of the best
games i've ever played what is this so
you're a wrestler and i guess this is
what he does on his day off walk around
the streets and [ __ ] people up they
don't even look like intimidating
enemies they're just random bypassers
but then all of a sudden oh there's a
there's a gorilla there's a gorilla i
mean that's what you call a [ __ ] game
a wrestler on the streets fighting
gorillas that's all you need and i love
the headbutt there's something about the
way he grabs them and leans into it
yeah
[ __ ] oh and that devastating sound
effect like the force of his skull
bashing into them sends a [ __ ]
shockwave through the city
[Applause]
[Laughter]
and that bouncing cartoon sound when he
jumps oh man and he can also squat and
go here doggy
wow
thumbs up on street hassle
then there's netherworld where you're i
don't know a space station like deep
space nine floating around blasting at
space dragons but the reason i point
this game out is because of the music
check this out
so
i mean
it sounds a little fuzzy but for an
early video game it's one of the most
ambitious scores i've ever heard and a
testament to what the commodore was
capable of
next is bozo's night out in this game i
kid you not you play as a drunk guy
trying to get home from the bar you have
to avoid random people on the streets
and anything you touch you end up in the
hospital and start over so does he go
straight from the hospital to the bar
again damn you can even wander into the
garden where there's a bunch of muppet
monsters and if you eat a mushroom you
go on a crazy trip
holy [ __ ]
one of the most complicated games is
everyone's a wally it's very innovative
for its time because you switch between
multiple characters each with their own
specialty such as plumber electrician
etc but as you switch the other
characters who you're not playing as are
still walking around through very simple
ai so each player has to complete a job
and ultimately together they all have to
open a safe to collect their wages wow
imagine to get paid for your job you had
to steal your own pay by breaking into
the [ __ ] safe
along the way you go into a post office
and stamps attack you you go into a
bakery and bread attacks you that's the
type of world these games operate in it
would be like if i walk into the nerd
room and all my games are flying around
smack me in the face
so anyway just walking around
going to a phone booth and then
oh [ __ ] it's a space shooter now yes the
game
just switched genres now i'm a spaceship
shooting at lightning bolts in space and
then i come out of a different phone
booth so it's basically a teleportation
unit with a space shooter inside then i
fall into a basement oh my gosh shark
shark shark shark and then i'm dead
well i've saved the best for last from
what i've seen in my opinion this
is the best game the crowning
achievement on the commodore 64.
lazy jones the premise is you're a hotel
employee who wants to escape from his
work and play video games it's simple
all you do is walk around avoiding
running into people and visit every room
in the rooms are giant tvs with a video
game so this might be the first time in
history that i'm aware of at least where
you play a video game inside of a video
game that was a pretty revolutionary
concept for its day and that's the whole
idea of lazy jones it's just a bunch of
mini games and you never know what
you're gonna get it might be a ship
shooting at spinning squares or stopping
carnival gravitrons from landing on
earth or shooting lint and meatball
asteroids or volleying doggy bones or
fighting ostriches or trying to cross a
street like human frogger or breaking
blocks while controlling
the copyright symbol
have you ever played a game where you're
the copyright symbol that's the best
video game character not samus from
metroid or simon belmont from
castlevania the copyright symbol from
lazy jones let's see some cosplay on
that and there's this one oh my turkey's
on the conveyor stabbing with the fork
turkey's falling in the garbage can
get the turkeys get the turkeys get the
turkeys get the turkey get the turkey
get the turkey the forks and the turkey
fork in the turkey watch the phone watch
the phone ah those [ __ ] phones always
stopping me from getting my turkey
before it falls in the garbage
it makes no sense
unless it's a surreal nightmare inspired
by cooking a turkey but the phone call
distracts you and ruins the turkey hence
the reason why the phones are stopping
you
no
even though the mini games are so
bizarre it's still cool because you
never get bored with all this variety
it's like playing 10 games in one it
keeps you guessing what the hell you're
gonna see next it's the type of whacked
out lunacy that could only happen in the
80s i especially love the character
himself lazy jones a guy who doesn't
have a care in the world i like his
nonchalant bouncy walk and for some
reason it goes so perfectly with the
music check that
[Music]
out it's that playful repetition with a
slight mischievous mood like he's up to
something and if that weren't enough you
can actually go to the toilet and when
lazy jones pisses it sounds like lasers
wow
[Music]
so there you go i finally got to play a
bunch of commodore games that wanted to
do this for a long time and as you can
see it's a gold mine has so much more to
explore the commodore 64 has a special
place in our hearts it made it through
the video game crash it was a cheaper
affordable computer making it the
underdog of the competition and it
challenged and perplexed young gamers
many who went on to become programmers
themselves and to this day it has a
loving nerdy cult following it's the
commodore club where the password is
load quote asterisk quote comma eight
comma one
but we're not done yet we still have a
few more commodore games we want to talk
about um certain horror themed ones
and since we're heading into that time
of year where my room suddenly goes
darker for whatever reason and it gets
spooky so it only makes sense so light
up those jack lanterns and tune in next
time
also all month of october be sure to
check out cinemassacre's monster madness
around the world 31 days 31 countries on
the website cinemassacre.com
[Music]
you