[Music]
John KY poses as a masseuse to get a few
minutes with Putin parents reminisce to
their children about the dating
algorithm that brought them together and
a lowly mortal opens a portal to Hell
personally dictated into the ear of this
announcer by the Lord Jesus Christ
himself this is the onion we can review
Russian President Vladimir Putin told
reporters in a press conference
Wednesday that he was not ruling out a
military response to continued
International diplomacy saying that in
the face of sanctions and phone calls
with foreign dignitaries he reserved the
right to deploy troops and incite
violent confrontations throughout
Eastern Europe a defiant Putin told
Western leaders that he would not back
down from their obvious efforts to
salvage international relations
Americans across the nation made their
voices heard this week as they demanded
more mind-blowing guitar solos calling
for the solos to be quote face meltingly
cool and go on for well over 10 minutes
Americans stressed that all guitar solos
from now on should be equally as kickass
as those in Van Halen's hot forti Fe and
acdc's thunder struck or even better it
should start out really slow you know
and then get faster and faster until
they're all the way up at the top of the
guitar neck and bending the notes like
crazy so it's
like and then there's all this awesome
pyrotechnic stuff going off in the
background they should all be like that
a study released by Princeton University
Tuesday found that slapping everyone in
a grocery store and exposing yourself in
the produce section is still a behavior
you're frowned upon by Society
researchers behind the report noted all
of the experiment's numerous trials
resulted in similarly negative responses
regardless of whether test subjects
rubbed cold cuts on their naked bodies
charged at customers like a rhino while
wearing a banana tape to their foreheads
or loudly sang several verses of Yankee
Doodle directly at a cashier and in this
week's local news a report noted that on
its surface Glenbrook Ohio is a small
town like any other a peaceful
All-American town and yet the report's
authors added if you only look closer
what you find may surprise you in other
news Chinese Factory workers fear they
may never be replaced with machines the
mischievous Coke brothers trick a
beautiful woman into thinking there's
only one of them and a man is just
having one of those decades where he
doesn't feel like doing anything this
concludes part 538 th000 in a 2 million
part series cataloging the course of
human existence for more keep checking
the onion.com
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