welcome today bakers ethan hawkeye
william the [ __ ] claudia caravan michael
doormat isabelle luck ass vince
colonoscopy
matt diabeta jason constipation wife
peter these are all names i couldn't be
bothered to read correctly where am i
going with this welcome to gay breakers
now this movie is all about vampires and
as such do you have the standard vamp
rules but with some slight variations
like how they interact with the sun and
whatnot some sparkle and some burst into
flames and die and this one they blow up
and die also a piece of wood to the
heart or this general area blows them up
too and you can also get chopped up into
bits and die that way as well they also
have no pulse and don't age as per the
norm and they can't get boners that's
uncomfortable now the main guy we gotta
watch out for here is this [ __ ]
right here scientist vampire guy who got
turned against his will doesn't like
drinking human blood drinks pig blood
and stuff and works at the shitty
company that runs up humans and sucks
them drying to sell their blood to the
vampire public and he don't like you
that big time okay and the movie
actually starts with this 12 year girl
writing her suicide note like i'm sorry
i can't take this anymore this blows i
want to grow old i want to suck dick at
frat parties not blood but here i am
forever 12 without a sparkle goddammit
what the [ __ ] mom you know some along
those lines and a quick rate of sunshine
done dues are off then we move on to
vampire science guy going to work using
the massive grid of tunnels used to
protect them from the sun called seyat
sorry sub walk i don't understand why he
parked his car first then took the cell
block to work i mean just drive over
there you [ __ ] dingus but maybe he
has another reason doesn't matter he's
at this company trying to find a blood
substitute because they're running out
of humans to form and blood deprivation
leads to vampires turning into these
super [ __ ] really ugly bad human
hybrids which is bad news for them so
his [ __ ] boss who had his own daughter
run away from him because she hates
vampires presses him into testing the
crappy blood substitutes that he's been
working on for a long time that are not
finalized or working yet and needless to
say doesn't go too well so they need to
work on it some more or make a new
formula or [ __ ] whatever they do to
sign [ __ ] up and on his way home he
notices that he's exhibiting blood
deprivation side effects and almost
crashes into someone and gets out to
check on them and he finds out that they
are a bunch of humans and they are
[ __ ] scared obviously so they try and
kill him but they miss the critical hit
and he doesn't die then they see a cop
car approaching and he decides to help
them by shoving them in their car and
turning on daylight driving mode which
blacks out all the windows and puts out
cameras and he takes the keys leaves
them in there while the cops come and
he's like nothing's happening guys so we
have reason to believe that these were
humans did you see where they went yeah
up your ass to the left thank you very
much sir so the cops leave and what we
have just witnessed is another example
of idiot movie cop syndrome because they
do not at all question why he's using
daylight driving mode at [ __ ] night
blood idiot anyway the humans thank him
and run away he goes home and his
[ __ ] brother frankie comes in shortly
after he's an army or something like
that he punchy wins basically and he
gives some blood to science guy as a
gift but he like missed me with that gay
[ __ ] so he goes you're such a hypocrite
you know that i hunt them and you farm
them yeah and i feel really really bad
about it okay then he dumps some of the
blood and frankie smashes the butthail
against the wall then a mad ugly hell of
blood deprived vamp who's like a fully
evolved pokemon now with a [ __ ]
crotch smoother than my brain just
waltzes in for some reason his house
doesn't warn him like it did when
frankie came in but maybe frankie left
the door open i don't [ __ ] know it
licks up the blood like a coke addict
throws frankie away then fugly vamp as a
flip rooney ceiling move then frankie
gets a hover knife and food ninjas his
ass and kills it later on the police
come and check out this final stage
vampire home invasion intrusion thing
which is becoming more of a common
occurrence right and they find out that
this dude was carl azgardin who he just
saw like a week ago and he was
completely fine but then he you know
blood deprivation he started suck on his
own blood which is really bad because it
made him evolve faster they're all like
well that sucks they leave ed sleeps and
then gets woken up in the middle of the
morning from a security alert to his
back door no that is not euphemism for
his anus he checks out the door and
finds one of the human [ __ ] and tells
him that they got something better than
a blood substitute and gives them this
tiny map and then we get another
impossible movie vanish and his
brother's like the hell was that and
he's like nothing yeah great cover story
bro he's definitely not suspicious at
all now you [ __ ] lip tart whatever ed
has a meeting with a [ __ ] dracula he's
evil and wants to keep farming humans
not much to say really then ed drives
the location on the tiny paper and sees
the woman waiting for him and she tells
him that the green goblin is waiting for
him underneath the shade of the street
right when he goes over there mr the
[ __ ] being poetic and all then he shows
him that he was a bloodsucker too once
but then got cured and while they were
having this little chat this happens
how [ __ ] how does he sneak up on her
like that she's on top of a pissing hill
he's got the high ground he's dressing
all black zero camel [ __ ] ah whatever
this [ __ ] frankie he holds her at
gunpoint and calls for some backup but
gets knocked out i don't even know if
that is possible without a pulse yo
where my doctor's at it's getting
knocked out even blood related i don't
know i'm [ __ ] the bad guys shoot
this thing [ __ ] [ __ ] so they
escaped and it's chrysler getting shot
at and crap hull's getting poked into
blacked out windows which is bad for ed
so hoe [ __ ] covers it with her hand
[ __ ] no i know you really need science
kind it's not really fun to drive with a
bonfire in the car but don't do that
elvis and ed switch seats because the
driving cams have been shot out and
destroyed he uses this bullet hole as a
people to see where he's going and then
they use this extra convenient movie
bridge to escape which burst their tires
but no worries future tech reinflates
them except this screen very clearly
says the front tires are the ones that
are blown out but we can equally clearly
see here that the rears are the ones
that are blown out and another thing we
can clearly see is the shadow of this
camera arm just saying so they drive
around a bit till night time to the spot
where he changed back to human and he
tells them the story how he's a car dude
and he was the first to do daylight
modifications and one day while he was
driving in the sun high on the effects
of blood deprivation he crashed and flew
out of the windscreen got engulfed in
flames and landed in some water in some
shape and he emerged
next they drive off and frosted nymphs
as his bad ears so she cuts herself and
forces him to drink her blood because
they need him focused and all wise and
wait that's all [ __ ] stingy [ __ ]
nicking artery or something give him the
juice woman also it's a good thing that
elvis didn't give this book am i right
everybody who watched this movie before
yeah you know something that everybody
else doesn't know for at least like a
few minutes yeah enjoy that so they get
to their hideout which is a wine house
winery wine station i don't [ __ ] know
it's a wine place right you'll make wine
there and everybody giving ed the stan
guy because he's a vampire even this guy
is tank i2 because he's a vampire too
and he's a politician vampire pushing
for a cure in the politician place and
them trusting a politician is the most
unbelievable ridiculous thing in this
movie but hey whatever next week cut to
bad guy again looking at photos of his
daughter then he having a [ __ ]
useless meeting with frankie the dick
eater then takes a look at his human
stock and i gotta say there are some
nice supple tadas hanging around i'm
saying they roll an empty human birm and
hold up are you just keeping them in a
vegetative state and sucking them dry
like a bunch of [ __ ] capri suns
listen i don't want to tell you how to
do your evil job mr [ __ ] dracula but
wouldn't it be smart to suck them just a
bit then leave them for a bit so they
can replenish the blood that they lost
and then come back and rinse and repeat
then you won't even have this running
out of a human's problem [ __ ] i'm
not a doctor though so i don't know if
what i'm saying is even a valid idea or
not but the off chance that it is you're
a [ __ ] [ __ ] and you suck your job
moving on the lack of blood drives the
vamp people crazy in the saya sub walks
then frosted nips ass and how he turned
and he hints towards that his stupid
brother betrayed him and turn them
against his will then they get to work
turn this wine fermentation tank into
the humanizer 1000 by cutting a hole in
it to let sunlight in and providing a
bucket of water and a wet towel to
recreate what happened to elvis that's
it that's what they needed a super smart
science guy for because they couldn't
for the life of them come up with this
idea on their own meanwhile a human
convoy is traveling at night to the amy
winehouse when they get ambushed by a
bunch of vampire dudes with sleep darts
and they survive for way too long
considering that they're surrounded from
all angles with zero cover other than
the inside of their vehicles which i do
not get into whatever it doesn't matter
because the people at the wine house
catch wind of this unfortunate news and
they all start to scramble to another
safe location cause they're next but
team edward opts to stay because they
say they cannot make this experiment
ever again this might be their only
chance which is [ __ ] stupid because
you could recreate this with two tarps
for shade in a [ __ ] kiddie pool a
goddamn garden hose [ __ ] pee on them
bro i don't understand how they couldn't
comfort this before whatever so the sun
comes up and they stick them in there
with a wet towel torch them with the sun
then block it out and suck the flames up
from the whole thing and they keep doing
that attempting to give them a proper
pulse all the while the vampire passes
closing on their coordinates till they
finally get a steady pulse on eddie and
he turns back into a human hooray then
they somehow zoom into this massive wine
keg thing and successfully hide from all
the vampires searching the place and
throughout all this i have but a single
question how did the pulse measuring
sticky thingy not melt off are they made
of fire retardant materials if they
ain't i call [ __ ] or maybe the water
helps them not mail whatever moving on
they step into the light and into
dumbledore's trans am to go to the
second hideout spot where all the humans
fled to defined all of them as empty
blood bags and even the politician got
sliced and diced too meanwhile though
back in vamp town bad guy has completely
run out of humans to suck dry and a lot
of people are going full batsy so they
round anybody with elf ears and or a
receding hairline up to execute them
using the sun including bad guy nick
asshole's daughter who was one of the
humans captured in the convoy she was
like dad were you doing her super gay so
he imprisoned her and got fracky to turn
into a vampire for him then she refused
to drink her blood rations and started
sucking on herself which as we know is
not a good idea and she goes is this
what you wanted dad and now she looks
like alien is about to go up in flames
out of the year after that ed gets the
idea to go to his partner in crime that
was working on a blood substitute with
him back at the company [ __ ] company you
know let's call him [ __ ] for and they
sneak into his house while he's on the
phone he puts it away and they don't
check if he actually close the call
cause they're collectively all sharing
one brain cell then they sit him down to
talk ask for help [ __ ] whatever who
cares cause he gets another call and
whatever brain cell they were sharing
[ __ ] dies because not only do they
give him the chance to take this phone
call he's like oh is my ex-wife's kind
of a messy divorce gonna give me a sec
they're just like yep sure go ahead
really [ __ ] what no
what do you mean you go you are very
possibly the last three humans on earth
time is of the essence and you still
have very little to go on to trust this
guy well i feel like if i went inside
your brains and took a look i hear
echoes of my footsteps dear god whatever
frosted nips gets suspicious of [ __ ]
fart and goes up to look for him while
ed checks to phone his jacket and he did
not end the call with his office did i
call or not swap vampires are there they
get hurt then these two [ __ ] turn
away into the subway which is apparently
connected to every single house then
they end up in elvis old mod shop and
frankie tracks them down kev and he's
like i turned you cause i didn't want to
be alone and he decides to help them but
then the dumpster's thirst for blood is
too great and he bites elvis ed gets him
off and he knows something very peculiar
frankie's turning back into human also
elvis is immune to vampires now which
means that cured vampire blood can also
turn you back and the movie cuts right
here to try and play this twist out for
some movie suspense i guess but really
anybody who's ever seen any movie ever
before like even porn is gonna [ __ ]
figure this out anyway ed goes over to
the evil contour the lady friend is tied
up and cut up a bit for some delicious
zesty blood and ed goes please turn me
i'm scared of dying then the bad guy
reveals that [ __ ] fart finally made a
stable substitute and he's gonna let the
humans repopulate for a bit and farm
them again for all the vamps that are
willing to pay premium for the regal
deal you feel me then he calls it a
coward so ed switches strategies and
goes so did you turn your daughter
yourself oh no that's right you had my
brother do it for you so who's the
[ __ ] coward and that's a ticket dumb
[ __ ] is provoked enough to bite him and
the movie does his own reveal ooh
frankie's a human again
elvis is still human
so surprising i'm so shocked so bad guy
turns back to human he gets tied up and
sent down an elevator and in a beautiful
bit of irony his own men go feast on him
and tear him apart piece by piece
glorious but does that mean that i have
cancer now because bad guy had cancer
before he turned to a vampire which
means he has cancer now can you get
cancer that way i don't know it doesn't
matter the love doves tried to escape
and frankie burst in with the trans zam
saving them from these guys but then
more guys come in and frankie sacrifices
himself while the [ __ ] duo ends up in
the security room fighting off a few
ramps and then watch him just get
[ __ ] destroyed live on the security
cameras and has his clever and kind of
funny effect of whoever feeds on him
turns into human and the rest feed on
them and so on and so forth we get this
mad [ __ ] up scene till only a few
cured ones remain shaken but not stirred
then [ __ ] fart pops out i don't know
where and kills them and goes they can't
be a cure i can't let you do it why
there's a cure this is [ __ ] perfect
seriously all the money what's your
reasoning here dip [ __ ] [ __ ] pop em
willem
why did he take slightly longer to
explode everybody else was instant i
don't give a [ __ ] i'm just gonna chalk
it up to movie suspense again the
sunrises team edwards alive and they
ride off into the sun and from a phoenix
twice as the ashes god damn it [ __ ]
mixed up the words this movie gets nine
jet fuel dragsters out of 11 steel beams
[Music]
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