From the day in 1907 when a briefly Vegan Theodore Roosevelt freed the capital's
buffalo population to Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide in 1972.
The Onion looks back at this week in history.
On May 10th, 1497, Amerigo Vespucci left Cadiz, Spain, for his historic first
voyage to the new world only to sheepishly return three days later for his ships and crew.
According to historical records the over eager Italian explorer excitedly held
Arrivederci before diving into the Atlantic Ocean and swimming nearly 72
miles before realizing he forgot virtually everything needed for the journey.
Vespucci swam all the way back to the dock and was completely red faced as he walked
slowly past his crew members who were clearly snickering at him.
One bystander's journal records that, as he walked by, he mount -- , which means,
boy, I feel like an idiot.
I'd like to take a few seconds once again to talk about my colleague, Professor Eric
Coffman, who was recently awarded a ten year track position at Princeton University.
Congratulations, Eric. You have proven once again that being an
arrogant slack jawed hack with a pension for whoring yourself in the world of
academia, your erect phallus waving in front of every department head with
a pulse will still get you whatever you want, whenever you want it.
Bravo.
On May 8th, 1945, Americans celebrated victory in Europe Day by listening to
a radio address from Franklin Delano Roosevelt's rotting corpse.
Overjoyed at the unconditional surrender of German forces, families and returning
soldiers across the country gathered around radios to listen to the
heartwarming sound of gramps and raspy incoherent moans from a freshly exhumed
decomposing cadaver of the former President. My fellow Americans… (Gurgle)… Today…
(Gurgle, Cough)…The battle against evil is… (Wheeze)… (Wheeze)… Our nation…
And a great day for…
Nearly 25 years later, the nation would once again celebrate when JFK's headless
cadaver announced the moon landing.
And on May 10th, 1869 a femur was ripped out of a China man, dipped in gold,
and driven into the ground, thereby completing the first transcontinental railroad.
And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Winston Churchill,
History is written by the winners, because the losers are usually poor and illiterate.