[Applause]
[Music]
I'd like to begin with addressing a
question that's on everyone's mind where
the hell is Ted
where is he we've been coming to his
talks for years now and he never shows
up he's less reliable than birth control
for bunnies anyway there's a strong
probability that by the end of this talk
I will commit suicide but uh you may be
asking yourself okay but how how will
you do this well of course I'll cut my
wrists don't be silly oh just go like
this vertical you never go horizontal
but the more important question is why
would I do this and reason number one of
course is because I live in Bulgaria and
that just about sums it up but I would
like to walk you through my entire life
just to show you how miserable it has
been and then you be the judge of
whether I should kill myself or not
so photographic evidence number one
that's my very first photo yeah I was
taken a couple of days after I was born
in Poland and as you can see I'm already
depressed here I'm already depressed you
can see that I'm wondering why am I
dressed like a mummy of a cat
well I wrapped around her what is this
Gandhi's shawl what's going on here that
were they celebrating Halloween in the
hospital and also if I could if I could
only known that they would take a photo
of me I would have at least shaved all
right so I'm and that's the true story
another true story
when I was born my umbilical cord was
wrapped around my neck I almost
suffocated to death so the doctors
immediately knew that I wanted to commit
suicide in my mother's belly because of
the umbilical cord and also because they
found a suicide note in my hand I wanted
to make things clear and as soon
afterwards my parents decided to move to
Bulgaria big mistake I know and so
immediately I started drinking here's a
rare glimpse into my alcoholic past and
it kind of helped me at a now to kind of
feel a little better and but the reason
for that was that we were very poor we
were in fact so poor that a true story
again
for the first couple months my mom had
to literally breastfeed me yeah she cut
her breast and she fed it to me it was a
true story and uh we were also living in
a village where there were a lot of
gypsies and I used to play with them
because they were the only kids actually
there were kids with kids which is kind
of anatomically challenging but it's
true and and so it was funny because I
had all these toys from Poland and I
won't play with them and then all the
sudden they would get aggressive and
bite me and into my toys and run away
but on a positive note my grandmom would
sometimes shoot them and uh oh she would
plant some traps in the garden for then
they'd jump over the fence at night to
steal some fruits and I love my grandma
a lot and I used to play with her but
she was a very lazy woman now I know
it's not a nice thing to say but she's
dead so who cares and uh she was so lazy
we used to play this game where she lay
down on the bed and I would go into the
garden to get some flowers and I'll
place them on top of her and put two
coins on her eyes we used to call that
funeral and uh it was also very
realistic because she was cold and
sometimes she was think and uh soon
afterwards I went to the kindergarten
and that was great and I met a lot of
kids there I met my first girlfriend
there I still remember my first kiss in
the kindergarten I still remember the
first time I had sex in the kindergarten
it was magical uh we used toys and just
as things were getting better and better
my parents decided to move to the city
so I can go to school and you see I was
a very skinny kid so they decided to
sign me up for swimming classes and you
know that's one thing I want to tell you
swimming is nothing necessarily the
manliest of sports all right if you see
a bunch of guys wearing Speedos ready to
jump in the water it's not very manly
but there were a lot of girls there so
that motivated me to learn to hold my
breath for longer and if you know a
thing or two about the swimming pools
back then in Bulgaria let me use this
example you know how many Westerns you
have these stumble wheats that go across
the street yeah we used to have the same
thing on the bottom of the pool except
made out of hairs and chewing gum
and for whatever reason the pool is
always halfway empty so you could always
write your name on the slang tiles it
was so dirty that they were you so much
detergent that's swear to you there's
been so much chlorine that water I will
never ever have to bleach my butthole
ever it shines bright like a diamond and
I was also a big fan of music and so
naturally I wanted to play an instrument
now long story short I finally decided
that that instrument would be the flute
yeah big mistake
okay so here I'm playing in a library
alright I know what you're thinking but
as you can see my fans here in the
audience none of them none of them told
me anything because at their age they
can't hear anything so the problem with
the fluid was this when you google flute
or you go to the dictionary you see this
image problem is you see the same image
when you google gate version it's it's
true and you know playing the flute
especially in high school that's really
that's that's natural repellent that's a
camera flash against women and you know
really if you ever get chased down the
street by an angry mob of feminists just
grab your flute all right that's the
only solution and also a very ironic
wordplay and so as I mentioned you know
I went to high school and what happened
was one beautiful day I was sitting in
my room and I hear knocking the door and
I opened the door and there she was
puberty and bam she smacked me on the
face and you know what happens with
puberty is crazy because you grew at all
and your voice gets deep and you got
that facial hair and by the way for
voices even worse and I was so but what
happens is thank you
applause break number one
and what happened is you you you grow to
look like an adult but your brain still
hasn't caught up with that right so you
start doing crazy stuff and I remember
the kids in high school running around
and chasing each other laughing and they
did a lot of drugs do a lot of cocaine
in my school but oh by the end of the
year would be crazy because they would
chase down teachers and beat him up and
sometimes they would tie him to a truck
and drive around the school I I
graduated basically mad max high school
and um but I was very different you see
I was very sad lonely and emotional and
the reason for that was there was a girl
that I had a crush on and it's a very
painful story still and I will tell you
about it in a second but just to show
you how pathetic my life was I will
actually use actual science to prove it
to you if you see here this
2-dimensional court in a plane where X
stands for expectations and Y for
reality because it ends with Y obviously
you would guess properly that if I were
to be happy in high school should be in
the top right corner unfortunately for
me my reality my high school was very
low it was very low it was lower than
Donald Trump approval ratings oh really
low and and you know if you take any
event that happened to me all of them
maybes they're all negative but it'll be
a kid making fun of me or beating me up
in the hallway or out I don't know write
an exam and as it will pop up on my face
and go over the papers
oh and negative events and so naturally
had a very low self-confidence so my
expectations are also negative to be
precise between points E and D on
average right here and as a matter of
fact if I were to take the most positive
of reality events and connected with my
low expectations you would end up with
these two points and let me circle them
around for you so you can see better and
then if you take any random set of
events and connect the dots and I've
tried this with all kinds of events you
always end up with this graph and by the
way have I mentioned that if you're in
the bottom left corner you enter hell
all right so this has been high school
and to tell you what the real reason for
this was it's very emotional I'll
actually prefer to say
about in his song allowed me to take my
guitar I didn't hear that I wish I did
so um so this is a song about wow I
transported to a well somewhere okay so
this is a song about how is this one
yeah I think about how unhappy I was in
high school it was like this
[Music]
turn around
and you'll see a sweaty fat eyebrow guy
this is me you may know that you and I
we're from the same class have you
noticed that sometimes I would stare at
your ass ice you always late and often
math but oh so sweet sometimes when you
go home I'll go and sniff your seat I'll
never forget that one day when you asked
me for my homework and smiled
I ran straight back home that Dan
masturbated for a while and ever since I
follow you I will follow you I'll follow
you
once you follow me too I'll follow you
I follow you all the way from school I
follow you all the way back to I follow
you
[Music]
you have Abood through your tongue baby
you're dressed like a [ __ ] in my
wildest dreams I wouldn't ask for more
you slept with all the boys at school
and have the chicks you really have to
see a doctor to get those hip bones fix
laugh oh you how follow you about you
won't you follow me too
I'll follow you
[Music]
I'll follow you when I'm on my bike I'll
follow you when you take a hike I follow
you home man I'm so brave I follow you
even to your grave out to you out and
take you out of the casket and I will
clean you up and put you in a basket and
I will take it and put you in my bed you
can follow that thread but it's just a
dream but nevertheless is just a dream
like I said earlier before I don't
myself
[Music]
wake up thank you
[Music]
away wake up
I wanna win for you for you for you for
you for you and I follow you
I'll follow you once you follow me -
I'll follow you I'll follow you and put
my glasses - and draw a moustache with a
pen
I hope it's legal then to follow you
[Music]
Oh romance I'm sorry I'll try I'm trying
woman so there were people here I didn't
know that anyway thank you so this was
why I was so sad and on that positive
note I went to the University yes and I
graduated an MBA so I started Business
Administration and if you know anything
about professors in Bulgarian
universities but they're very
experienced or as I would put it ancient
right I mean they were they were so old
they actually remembered Kings yes they
did they were so old they remember when
the when the bull Wall Street was a real
bull and you could buy for four sheep
it's a true story and so I would spend
five years listening to these guys teach
me all about these important things in
the 17th century books that they wrote
and and I'll then somehow applied this
to the modern economy so that I could
use this combined knowledge in my new
career which was in a call center yeah I
started I start working to a call center
and I still kept nightmares
and I mean even today as sometimes send
a phone call with alright man I'll call
you later and oh if you have a second
please hold the line for a very short
story to describe your satisfaction with
the school thank you bye-bye then
and this was my life there and and I
know what you're thinking guys you're
probably thinking okay why have you
still not killed yourself
this what we pay for this presentation
sucks but the truth is you know all the
things that I told you I make fun of
them but but they're actually true I
mean I was poor and almost lonely enough
you know was struggling with depression
most of my life and it was precisely
comedy that helped me pull through and I
didn't appreciate this until about a
year ago when something really bad
happened because in a very short period
of time my mom was diagnosed with cancer
a couple months later she passed away I
was fired
I was left with my dad who needed help
and immediately I was like okay that's
it I can never do comedy again I can't
you know but then as time went by I was
even more depressed I realized well
enough in a way that's the only thing
that I can do you know that's the only
thing that can put a positive spin on
events and you may have heard the cool
that comedy is tragedy plus time
another quote comedy is cheaper than
therapy was set by Robin Williams who
committed suicide after struggling for
many years with among other things
depression so I'm not saying it was just
comedy it wasn't it was also my family
was my friends was my beautiful
girlfriend who I loved so much and she's
helped me through this time and but the
the point that I'm having is comedy gave
me my own personal purpose and goal and
this is the idea I want to spread with
young now I'm not saying you should be
coming against no you should not have
become me as there's enough competition
as it is please what I'm saying is as
corny as it sounds you should look for
something that gives you that that
purpose if you're having these thoughts
and you feel down and if it is something
as fun and as as creative as comedy then
you'll be great and you know what if you
fail and if you still can't and you're
suffering well then you can always kill
yourself because after all suicide tends
to end most things thank you
[Music]
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[Music]
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