when you look at me the first thing you
probably think to yourself is man this
guy likes to party this looks like a guy
who's not only super tall but also
breathes life into any Hooten Nanny that
he attends and you'd be right to a
certain extent I used to enjoy the old
Shin dig back in college I'd go out
pretty often and I saw a video today
that reminded me of an extremely sad and
embarrassing tale that I haven't thought
of in a long time so I'd like to show
you the video that brought about this
winter soldier episode within me and
then go over the video as well as this
story that I'd like to tell
chill bro
[Music]
that's where the video ends but I
imagine he ran down the stairs ran
behind the house started crying and then
just buried himself just [ __ ] died
there it was so sad to see a man super
excited to be getting tossed a beer the
local frat dudes were like hey this guy
needs a [ __ ] brewski so they you know
[ __ ] Amazon primed one now it wasn't
a great throw that was definitely not a
Joe burrow caliber toss and it nearly
killed the guy [ __ ] sent him over the
rails for it because he I mean that guy
was thirsty right and the only thing
that quenched that thirst was butt
chugging a Miller Light across the
street so yeah dude went ass over face
falling off the balcony then hitting the
deck and flopping like a fish down below
I'm gonna go ahead and toss this instant
replay up on the Jumbotron because I'm
pretty sure this man exploded midair
like Mr Potato Head just bits and pieces
flying all over the place his hat just
got blasted off I'm pretty sure he lost
both of his shoes there the g-forces
damn near torah's clothes off off as
well he's almost butt ass naked by the
time he hit the ground like I don't know
what went wrong but there's just like so
many clothing items that get lost on the
small fall but anyway this brought out a
repressed memory deep within me is
something I haven't thought about in a
while and it made me very yucky feeling
I just cringed and thought it'd be
something worth sharing with all of you
before I once again locked that away
forever never to think about it again
this happened back in college before I
retired from partying I now no longer
believe in fun at Social gatherings I
guess I just don't really party or
anything anymore and it was one of the
first parties I had went to after
getting to college and I didn't really
know anyone of course and I already
established myself as the weird
mysterious anime character so I'm sure
people have recognized me as a [ __ ]
psychopath before going to this party so
the fact that I showed up there probably
already made people uncomfortable I
would have been in my sophomore year
here I imagine I can't quite remember
but it was one of the first parties I
went to and that was like the only time
I started going out so I'm at this party
it's a house party and there's a pool
they have a keg they even have like a
live band performing inside it was just
some like butt rock band that I'm
assuming the the members were students
at the school it was it was you know
going all out and as the night continued
I didn't really interact with many
people pretty much anyone aside from
Andrew who I went with and you know it
wasn't getting a whole lot done I wasn't
drinking that much or anything but
towards the end of the night as people
started getting a bit sloppy they
started doing beer catching trick shots
and it was cool and I at this point
thought this is my chance this is my
time to shine I can stand out and make
friends by being the guy that makes a
cool Beer Catch even though I had never
like caught a [ __ ] Mach 5 thrown beer
because they were going hard they're
doing like behind the back tosses behind
the back catches and just [ __ ]
throwing that [ __ ] as hard as they
possibly can and seeing if someone can
catch it and I was like this is it this
is how I finally make a name for myself
here and one of the tricks that they did
that I thought would be you know my time
to hop in is they were doing it over the
pool so they were doing like cool
between the leg tosses over the pool and
someone would go in do like a 360 and
catch it before hitting the water then
they'd come out pop it open and chug it
like Stone Cold they didn't shotgun it
so kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] if I do say so
myself now you know hindsight's 20 20
but anyway uh I thought this is it I
know I can front flip into this pool I
knew I could do it and I thought it'd be
the coolest thing those eyes had ever
seen I thought everyone would be like
uproariously cheering me going wild like
holy [ __ ] this dude just front flipped
into the pool and caught a beer I was
running through this fantasy in my head
I was like yep this is how I do it I'm
gonna be the coolest [ __ ] dude on
campus so I teed up at the end of the
pool you know I'm queuing up I'm ready
everyone's doing everyone's still around
the pool cheering on cool catches booing
misses and I knew that this was my time
to shine no one's paid any attention to
me up until this point no one is looking
at me on the end of the pool there so in
order to get their attention I start
like clapping you know like hey I'm
ready uh toss me the pigskin give me
give me the rock I'm ready feed me so
I'm clapping trying to get like their
attention the dudes that are tossing the
beers like setting up the trick shots
and then eventually one of them does
look at me and without a second thought
the second we lock eyes I just do a
front flip into the pool and barely mind
you and I have my arms straight up and I
don't finish the whole rotation so I end
up on my ass with my hands up in the air
and no one throws a beer so
I just [ __ ] shittily front flip in
the pool it looks like I'm probably
drowning like a ship going down as the
sail slowly keeps sinking because my
heart my aunt my arms are above the
water I've already failed my front flips
and I'm just sinking in shame I pop up
there's no beer and no one's even
looking at me I don't even get a boo
nobody cared at all it was the saddest
[ __ ] moment of my life like if
someone had just given me like a Pity
woohoo or like oh something I would have
been like okay not all this lost but I
got literally nothing straight up
crickets and then some other dude did a
trick shot into the pool and they loved
that meanwhile the [ __ ] socially
inept turbo version on the other side
gets [ __ ] nothing and uh I don't
remember exactly what happened next but
I can't imagine we stayed much longer
because I do remember getting into the
taxi soaking wet so I I didn't have a
whole lot of time to air dry I imagine
what happened is Andrew felt my pain and
was like Charlie let's get the [ __ ] out
but I I guess I guess it just blacked
out from cringe at that point because I
can't complete the story I just remember
that and man it was sad
so yeah this video really brought that
demon back brought brought that that
evil out of me and I just wanted to
share it with all of you because you
know I don't want to think about it
again past this point so yeah that's
really about it so yeah