[Music]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
welcome to oxnard california population
200 000.
it's a city with a very diverse culture
the popular local catchphrase
is going hard in the gnard this may be
attributed to oxnard's above average
crime rate
every crime has a victim and every
victim has a story of strength
struggle and love this is the tale of
oliver barnes and it begins with oliver
[Music]
stoned
[Music]
like macho man randy i'm the toughest
alive
if you step into my ring then you won't
survive
[Music]
my least it gives me extra protein
so tasty and delicious and make you so
mean
[Music]
why hello's exhalating welcome please
select a wash
boom
autobots transform and roll up
[Music]
yo oliver what is going on here bro
why is the interior of the acura soap no
that's part of the dangerous package
don't [ __ ] me dog i know you're out
joyriding in this car
you took this to the hands free off
victoria didn't you yeah
i paid for it so who cares are you high
no
then why are your eyes so red no in the
shampoo shot in my face
you see the space between my fingers
that space
represents how close you are to being
fired
that full sizzle my man i'm so sorry you
had to see that
i thought i was speeding up the process
by getting the car wash first
i didn't know miss jones left the
sunroof open i can't be blamed for that
oh of course you can't be blamed for
that you can't be blamed for anything
that's the magic of oliver never
responsible for his actions it's true
who takes a car to get washed with the
windows down
all right fine uh i'll do better um
why don't you put me on the phones
forget it you'd be calling for pizzas
checking the correct time
here you know what
hit the streets oh dad why am i on flyer
duty
you need to start taking advantage of
the opportunities that you're given
because if you don't mark my words they
will disappear
oh and oliver yeah
could you please call me jeff the whole
dad thing makes me out to be kind of
old and weird you know cause we're the
dangerously cool dudes
okay is this broke did you sit in my
chair
come on down to dangerous details where
the danger is in the details
first visit's free oh excuse me miss i
am not interested
are you sure i'm really detail-oriented
i'll do a good job fine
i'll take one but only because my
boyfriend drives a really
bitching car yeah we don't really do
free details
with boyfriends
the devil what the devil is in the
details you got your whole slogan
ass backwards just have some pride
in your marketing yeah well it's not my
slogan it's my dad's it's his company
what you got there chief marijuana
well you probably shouldn't partake
seeing as how you're working and all
yeah well yolo or something right
i love yolo all right how is he
he's good would you say hello for me
sure man whatever you say bud
you know what i see a lot of myself in
you
the way you carry yourself oh yeah
how so well i don't normally like to
dispense advice here on the bench
it's not safe um but if you want to come
back with me to my tent
i could probably teach you a thing or
two about life
yeah screw that i got dreams to follow
i have dreams had
but like life is good
[Music]
oh
hello who are you
why do you have a ladder oh you guys are
the painters
what's going on it's really hard to
paint like all his lines like really
straight and stuff
i always wonder if it's like like a
paintbrush or
what you do with that what's what's
india like
is it is it spicy oh you gotta forgot
your paint
rent what the [ __ ]
[Music]
hey that's my joint he wears skinny
jeans
my father were skiing jeans we nothing
you don't think that that's kind of
strange right
are you guys going out back oh let me
show you my skatepark
i'm okay
oliver yo vincent i have an emergency
my favorite drug dealer weed dealer
what's up with those guys
oh those are my new indian friends i
really haven't broken through the
language barrier yet so i'm just calling
them dagger and bloodline hey do you
have any more of that platinum blue
dream i love oh sorry all out
seriously you're kidding me right do i
ever lie
did you ever cry during requiem for a
dream no why did your dad leave your mom
she left him i blamed myself was there
ever a time in your life when you
thought you were gay not fully but i had
a few sense of by curiosity in high
school how big's your penis three and a
half inches
what how do you get so much action it's
not the size of the dog it's how you
walk it
wow this has been a very revealing
morning come on in
thank you thank you why are you off work
this is the strangest thing jeff just
gave me the dave off
[Music]
come on man you're not telling me you're
afraid to wake up one day
all old and alone wishing you had family
and kids and
babies to kick it with hell no i am not
a commitment guy
i swim solo like a
shark it doesn't sound like a shark to
me bet you got some secrets hidden away
the truth is out there man hey i live a
life of transparency to set an example
an example for how the human race should
treat one another
yeah i am leading a movement to truth
you should join us uh i'm serious mm-hmm
i bet the government you know the
government is keeping record of all this
stuff you're doing on the internet
i bet that the nsa has more info on you
than the stasi had on the east germans
oliver you better not be sitting on that
couch smoking weed with those mexicans
oh [ __ ] hide that stuff
quick grab it
oh hey jennifer what's up what's up
[ __ ] you that's what's up how many times
have i told you to not
smoke pot with these mexican painters
they're
totally indian how are you even
confusing those two
we are paying them by the hour you were
literally costing me money right now
yeah that's right enchilada tikka
masalas let's go let's get out of here
come on
back to work you know when you pay
people an hourly rate they tend to take
their time
especially when you treat them like [ __ ]
then maybe
your lazy ass should have gotten up and
actually done something around here like
oh i don't know
painted the house let's not have a dick
showing contest
i bet you spent all day at the clubhouse
pool am i right
[ __ ] you olive i had errands to run for
jeff
oh and a bathing suit yeah face it you
do less than i do
oh i seriously doubt that i'm the head
of marketing
and the official spokesmodel at
dangerous details
we rip through the competition we pick
up
detail and deliver your vehicle at top
speeds
for lightning cheap prices call us today
to get your first detail
[Music]
[ __ ] please don't act like you run this
place you only slept with my dad for his
money
we all know you had sex with benson's
senior year for some coke
that's true and those were some dark
days oliver
you better not have bailed on work to
sit on that couch and smoke
weed with your loser friend benson hey
look at that bang in bed
get fresh cause i'm gonna take you to
lunch girl
ugh all the way to lunch okay fine but
i'm picking
why don't i ever get to pick because i
have better tasting food
oh benson what's up bro
oh it exploded can i uh
get uh oliver alone for a minute outside
sure whatever
we do next little lion's blood
[Music]
alaskan thunder [ __ ] winner
look oliver i've been talking with jen
and this this arrangement's not working
what arrangement
you work the house you're not taking any
of it seriously
it's time for you to go stay with your
mother that's a mom town
wouldn't that be nice
[ __ ] that tucson's a hell hole i i had
one bad day
i i slipped up i i can get back on my
feet you've had several bad days
and you know what i don't see you doing
anything to fix it well i've been living
the dream you know i'm doing so many
things i can't even keep count
it's not my fault it's the economy you
know outsourcing everything's going
robotic now
you know social networking has literally
changed the game all right enough
excuses
i need you to get all your stuff
together so you can be out by the end of
next week
please dad uh i mean please jeff don't
send me to tucson i know
i [ __ ] up the flyers and i know i
[ __ ] up that mill's car
but i can do better just give me one
more shot to show my value
we're the dangerously cool guys right
you [ __ ] up the flyers how could you
[ __ ] up the flyers
you just had to hand them out okay get
up
come on get up enough with the theatrics
stop being such a [ __ ] bro
now mrs rhodes called about her sweet
freaking mercury okay and she wants the
full
dangerous package the answer is yes
anything but tucson
i don't want to see you at all this
weekend you got it
jennifer and i need a little alone time
we haven't been physical in a while so i
need you to hook a brother up okay
mm-hmm is that a deal
[Music]
this is like the best this is probably i
would say this is probably
top top five the best weeds i've ever
smoked
oh thanks hey that reminds me your dad's
a dick
jennifer's a racist that [ __ ] hurt my
feelings okay
yeah well i don't think they really
understand your profession or you for
that matter
you're a complicated guy let that
complicate they don't have to make fun
of me
that's what i'm saying i'm sorry bad i'm
walking on eggshells with that dude
you want this nah thanks i'm good plus
you probably need it more than i do
anyway
all right dude
later yeah outside handle
oliver my sweet thank you for coming on
such
short notice oh not a problem ma'am it's
my job after all
you know what i mean i sure do well
here's the car
whoa this thing is super sweet what's
the need for the dangerous detail
well if you must know i had a small
flame with a hot young ticket and we
sprayed love juice on the back seat
oh i wish you were as masculine as you
sweet thing
that is pretty disgusting um but i'll
see what i can do
when do you need to buy monday my
husband's coming back and he will flip
his lid if he finds another man's dna on
the back seat if you
know what i mean i do you've made that
quite clear
oliver you are such a sweet boy
say do you think i could get 50 bucks up
front i'm gonna need to get some special
leather scrub for that interior
[Music]
hmm
cruising around in my mercury i'm
looking for a girl to twerk with me
oh that's my fault you know you can find
your own damn ride at the party because
i'm done doing your [ __ ]
yo what's this dude's deal is he selling
ice cream or what yo what up homie
man this dude's hella pissed been
screaming at his phone for 20 minutes
you piece of [ __ ] you know what i'm done
buying your face makeup okay so [ __ ] you
dad
what do you [ __ ] want yeah hi i
know this might be a strange request but
do you have any beef sticks or
slim jims this is an ice cream truck not
a meat wagon look baby d
just bust out for them choco tacos me
and the homie got the munchies like a
[ __ ] right now
all right i uh i got three so six bucks
can you get my dog
i'll hit you back next paycheck uh sure
can you break a 50. what the [ __ ] does
this look like wamu no i can't take a 50
go get some change
can i get changed for 50. are you buying
anything here
yo you little punk ass that liquor store
has the same ice cream crap
you in there ice cream dude bummer
my phone i was just starting to like the
guy too
you know only takes 32 seconds to jimmy
the lock on the mercury and another 15
to get it started
over 100 cars are stolen every week most
of which are never returned to their
owners
operator yeah i i need to talk to my
firm benson
do you have a last name sir he never
told me um
could you could you rattle off a few
options i'm not sure i'm allowed to say
[ __ ] i'm [ __ ] high um
oh what's the number for the cops
can you describe the vehicle it was a 55
mercury
you know the model i'm not a [ __ ]
engineer hey
language it was a vintage car it had
love stains in the back seat i mean how
many of those old mercuries are driving
around
you don't look like the type of guy i'll
be driving a classic car you look more
like a bike guy you sure you're not
missing a bike
what no [ __ ] you language
i wasn't riding a bike i never learned
how
it's like had an incomplete childhood
are you high no just been crying over
this stupid car
uh-huh sat in your pocket
it's nothing it's a tumor here hold this
for me will you
my my my look what we have
here that's not mine
purple purple we used to smoke dope like
this back in the 80s
come on man i worked hard for that
get the [ __ ] out of here wait what about
the car we probably won't find it if we
hear anything
we'll give you a call can i get a ride
[Applause]
yo taco taco did you see something go
down by the ice cream truck
oh what up homie well you dressed mr dog
baby you gave out hell free treats to
everyone did you take the car i was
driving
oh man you got a car boy you should give
me a ride in the skate park
no what my car was stolen
did you see who took it no no
i don't really pay attention to things
damn it
hey you seem upset
i am i'm [ __ ] pissed
my eye is wearing off oh you smoke
that's cool hey you want to go burn a
bow
oh my goodness i would love to right on
brother
so you got some good [ __ ]
i don't have any i don't have any [ __ ]
you're the one who
you at okay my bad bro
that was a communicable misunderstanding
but dude
you should get back at that fool for
taking your weed take his ice cream
i should just steal the whole [ __ ]
truck oh there you go
big dog now that is a [ __ ] come
up
he steals your weed and you steal his
ride
pay it forward
dumbass you didn't even get a chocolate
[Music]
taco
[Music]
all right take two
welcome back to machine treason those of
you just tuning in our weekend topic is
the anunnaki
a shape-shifting race of reptilian
humanoids hiding in plain sight as
our world leaders are they real
let's go to mark callaway from fort
worth texas i believe that these
dinosaurs are living underground and
using the earth's cores they're heat
sourced like a second sun
well vincent it's oliver i'm freaking
out i need you
uh mark callaway from texas someone to
call you back we also have a military
base on the dark side of the moon if you
plug in sorry
machine trees in protecting mankind from
the man
we will return [ __ ] shortly
oh man it's just me let me in okay aside
from terrorizing my podcast what the
hell are you doing in my house
this isn't a pickup service deliveries
only what's it do with those girls
they're my employees i had to hire some
trusted help for you know my crops
why aren't they wearing any clothes they
couldn't trust them
it's like new jack city in here just get
inside
[Applause]
all right let me get this straight
you're baked out of your mind your car
gets jacked
you call the 5-0 a cop beats your ass
and then you just think hey i'm gonna
steal this ice cream truck
it's like you're always saying man this
is some conspiracy theory [ __ ]
what if it was jennifer what if she set
me
i seriously doubt it was jennifer okay
hold on are you sure you weren't
followed i mean the police know that
you're short on herbage what if this is
like some kind of sting operation oh no
relax i wasn't
that was a [ __ ] cop knock man how do
you know because it was five
solid fist knocks man one two three four
five [ __ ]
do you hate me right now yes
okay just all right everybody act
natural
i need to find some kind of disguise
who the hell are you are you the driver
of the ice cream truck
no who wants to know me megan
the driverless scooter over there
oh [ __ ] yeah
i'm already late to work and that's my
only mode of transportation oliver
go on a side santa toilet
megan
so so
what
did you destroy my scooter
yeah i did um are you okay
no i'm not okay
you ran over my scooter with your ice
cream truck how am i supposed to feel
yeah i'm having a really shitty day too
i was supposed to fix this milf's car
yeah i don't care about your problems i
should need a ride to work
yeah well like i said i got a lot going
on right now you know so
i've got this tax return thing i gotta
file and it's already may and and
then i gotta do karate so i got stuff
we'll just file a police report then
oh okay let's cool your jets lady
uh oliver can i speak to you alone for a
second
okay this is exactly the opportunity
that you were looking for okay it's time
to step up to the plate
there's a girl out there she needs your
help you could be here jfk
i know i know she's nice she's nice but
now it's the worst time than ever to
think about starting a family i mean
look at the middle east and and public
schools
and the economy i i can't take her to
tucson
the [ __ ] are you talking about you're
starting a family you're taking her to
work just
you destroyed her own mother
transportation it's the least you can do
as a bonus maybe you could never number
eh i could do that you can do that
sue uh meg megan
right i'm oliver
so do you live around here yeah
i live at the same apartment complex as
your friend oh
that explains the moped being parked
there huh
it's a scooter
right so um
uh what do you do for work i'm a barista
at paul's coffee oh that sounds awesome
it's not and i've already missed most of
my ships so if you could hurry up it'd
be really great
oh okay yeah right lock it up pedal the
middle right right there
go a little wide it's got to be a wide
turn
but uh what's right in there
it's nothing
looks like a lot of words it's just
something i'm working on and
i don't think you'd understand oh yeah
try me
it's veronica mars fan fiction oh yeah i
know that that's a detective show with
the girl from forgetting sarah marshall
what's it about well in this one
veronica teams with the pchers and they
uncover a murder mystery
and she falls in love with weevil it's
silly but um i like it
i can stand behind silly
so i'll just call you about my scooter
funny story about that maybe
maybe i should just get your number see
i'm kind of in a rough situation i i
lost my phone earlier today so
again i'm really sorry and i promise i
will make it up to you
just don't screw me okay i'll try not to
you know what time it is
dude you better think twice before you
yell at my friend megan here
ah it's my turn she's a hard worker
she's early every day and she stays late
every night
she's your [ __ ] anchor you need to
watch it we've got families here you
know we had the highest sales of the
year last month
are you gonna ignore that are you gonna
ignore the quarterly reports
you know what if you fire her you're
gonna have to fire me too
i am so sorry i really thought that was
gonna work
if it's any help i'm pretty sure i'm
getting fired on monday
how would that be any help i don't know
how i'm gonna pay my rent i don't know
how you're gonna fix my scooter
i'm scared yo minnie dude what can i do
for you
are you open for business oh i'm
not really an ice cream vendor sorry
that's a bit misleading
you're sitting outside of an ice cream
truck why aren't you guys selling
yeah why aren't we selling
[Music]
ice cream
[Music]
ice cream
[Music]
oh
there you go mrs patrick you stay in
school
so how did we do i think i'm about 98
so five more days like this and we
should be able to repair my scooter
you know you're a pretty good ice cream
salesman do you need an assistant
i would love an assistant if this was my
real job
but it's not um
i was supposed to detail a car today and
it got stolen
and i was like panicking and i freaked
out so i stole this truck
but but i'm pretty sure the person who
stole my car
was the same guy driving this truck does
that make sense
so you're a screw-up and a thief yeah
just like a little bit though
okay why don't we team up anyway
we can sell some ice cream and i'll help
you find the car i mean you don't have
to do that
i can just drop you off at your house oh
no uh honestly that's the last place i
want to be right now
plus i've seen every episode of veronica
mars so i'm pretty well prepared okay
okay so you said the guy that stole
your car was driving this ice cream
truck yeah i'm pretty sure
well why don't we go to his house and
pay him a little visit
okay well that's fine and dandy but how
do you know where he lives
well this house matches the ice cream
truck pretty well yeah i think we found
a fit
uh hi yes sorry um we're
looking for devin have you seen him i
haven't seen him
16 years are you blind oh
smart lady hey you want cubbies i have
very sexually active
imagination you both come inside yeah i
don't think we're gonna do that can you
just tell us where devin is please i'm
not telling you anything
unless you do something for me
all right what do you want from us oh
god i don't want anything for
you boy he's the girl um
okay
[Music]
no what come on what's the issue he
wants
to touch my
yeah okay oh god it's perfect
i gotta get i got wood already yeah
oh my god okay you're strong
oh god you work out i can feel it uh
yeah
i do the elliptical twice a week that's
wonderful
you're fuzzy oh i got you like a
freaking bottle like quickly
okay that's enough to tell us where
devon is please
oh god he's where he always is i get out
of the freaking skate park
park okay we're gonna go thank you
well that guy was pretty freaking creepy
you think we should leave in the truck
heck no we're having an
adventure besides he's blind he won't
know we have it anyway
[Music]
me
[Music]
oh sorry dudes back in five
okay so what does this guy look like um
he's kind of young
he's angry he used to sell ice cream
maybe something more visual right oh i
think i know this one
yo choco taco nice board slime my man
what's up homie hey you think you can
get me a ride to subway real quick let
me pick up a footlong roast beef
no what is wrong with you have you seen
that devon kid that was driving the ice
cream truck
oh [ __ ] baby dick devon and he's right
over there dog yo
devon bring that micro [ __ ] over here
is this my homies want to talk to you
that's good did you steal my car no
what is your dad a blind clown uh he's a
face
and he's two steps away from a home yeah
but he's definitely not blind
no you're lucky i didn't call the cops
on you for stealing my ice cream truck
yeah why didn't anybody call the cops
well i know somebody called the [ __ ]
cops cause i seen him yeah yeah
you know everybody better leave me alone
before i flip the [ __ ] out all right all
right calm down there little
whippersnapper
you want to smoke out ah [ __ ]
homie that sounds taco bell
oh naturally i assumed the eager kid
driving the ice cream truck was the same
dude who stole my car
that makes sense that [ __ ] adds up
how does that [ __ ] add up well we got
the truck maybe you guys got some key
intel you want to make a trade
dude no deal man that [ __ ] truck has
ruined
every summer vacation i've had since i
was 16 years old honestly
getting it stolen was the best thing
that ever happened to me all i do now
man is
skate all day smoke weed slay hot chicks
i'm one chick
too big yeah right here in this bowl
actually
guys at the crime scene did you see
anyone who looked
suspicious uh well there was this one
big guy
he was pretty big like uh like randy
orton big not like the big show
oh yeah that foot was huge he had a
mohawk oh yeah dude he had braids too he
was bad as hell
crazy wait he had a mohawk ambridge no
what was that thing he had on his neck
it was like a tattoo or something you
know like pyramids or egypt or some [ __ ]
nah
man it was the all-seeing eye yeah dude
it was the all-seeing eye
oh me like this yeah yeah just like that
just like that girl we have a clue we
have a lead
now what let's go see your friend benson
he seemed like the popular type
yo yo wait wait let me get one of those
split stone push-ups before you do all
right come on
all right here we go there you go
enjoy it stay in school okay
i'm not ready for school yet not yet
when do you start
i don't know oh all right well i'll see
you later
hey megan yeah i just want to say thank
you
for everything i mean if it wasn't for
you i'd
i'd probably be packing for a one-way
trip to the second worst place on
earth where's the second worst place on
earth tucson arizona
hmm where's the first worst place on
earth
that blind clown's house
if it were up to me you would get to
stay here we have yet to find the car
yeah but it almost feels possible now
thank you for that we have that now
you're high yeah
[Music]
so this is where things get weird my
organization has reason to believe that
the royal family and our presidents are
all reptilian alien overlords
uh uh mark from texas i'm really
starving i gotta push on hold again but
that's wait we're just getting another
plan for world domination
i know i'm sorry i'm really i'm really
sorry
[Music]
come on it's me oliver and megan
oh doesn't come here anymore and why are
you let it work
i am so sorry to come in unannounced but
we have some really good information
great information we need you to take a
look at it tell me what you think
i don't know what i'm looking at it
looks like a native american mr t
are you expecting somebody no who could
be coming here this late aren't you a
drug dealer
dealer and i only do deliveries
oh this is bad what who is it nsa cia
fbi
ex-boyfriend did you have an
ex-boyfriend yeah
it's a long story and she's kind of
allowed yeah okay well i think we should
have a conversation about what you know
what i would have a conversation in the
grow room okay
get out of here you better not be a cop
what up chief nice place thanks
what's that smell you got a pet skunk or
something
no what do you want i'm looking for my
girlfriend megan
that's her scooter spread out on the
lawn
uh yay big little blonde girl i mean
totally fake blonde but still hot
little squirrely seen her
yeah i've seen her did you see her today
yeah i saw her today what the hell is
your deal
hippie you stoned right now no actually
i don't smoke before through my podcast
the paranoia gets to me you should check
it out actually it's machinetreason.com
[ __ ] your podcast bro
okay looking for megan you seen her or
what she was here but then she left
okay where did she go she went to work
no i went by her work she wasn't there
she came back
so she's here a person
may or may not be within this facility
what the hell are you saying to me right
now
are you [ __ ] with me nope no i'm not
really not
i'm gonna ask you one last time
where is my girlfriend just since i'm on
vivarium it's a room full of aquariums i
have turtles and snakes it also doubles
as my cannabis grow room she's in there
with an unmotivated stoner that may or
may not be having
sex with her i'm not really sure about
that just yet there's also two
half-naked women who i have not even had
sex with but i've been feeling the
tension built for a number of days now
you don't have to be a [ __ ] bro okay
a simple she's not here what a sufficed
you know what the problem with this
country is right now bro
i do a whole podcast on that [ __ ]
stoners
like you the hippies lost drink it in
suck it up and build some credit while
you're at it
all right loser i'll work on that
yeah [ __ ] your mother
man screw that bro bag oh
no offense that's okay he's a real
angelina broly
robbie one kenobi pablo picosporo
oh professor x oh wait wait wait marco
all right all right all right i don't
mean to be a bad
host but you all need to leave i'm
trying to figure out if our president
is actually an alien overlord bent on
enslaving the entire human race wait
what about our car thief have you seen
this guy in your drug travels
weed travels and that looks like it was
drawn by a fourth grader in a high-speed
car chase why don't you try going onto
the internet
and doing some of your own like actual
research can we use your machine
no you can't use my machine i'm in the
middle of a live stream podcast why
don't you go use your own computer
in your own house
so your friend benson he's kind of a
jerk
yeah he's a dick i mean i wouldn't say
that he's just a little a little rude
ah crap i'm sorry i really thought that
was gonna work
okay here we go
got it okay
all right here it is is this storage
ha ha very funny if i had known i was
having company i would have made an
effort to clean up a bit
oh yeah
it's really eclectic
thank you
okay is that
people having sex okay yeah that's my
roommates they're right above us
i think they have the computer i'll be
right back
jennifer i just need the computer and
i'll be out of your hair
go away oliver your computer's broken
come on i just need the computer slide
it under the door
i'll be out of your hair i got important
business [ __ ] to take care of
oh dead
that was so close oh
[ __ ] we got sex water on the bed
pervert get the hell off of me you
busted annie oakley or i'll tell dad you
had sex with benson
you wouldn't why wouldn't i you [ __ ]
suck
[Music]
is everything okay up there i heard
noises oh yeah everything's fine
were you snooping through my stuff or
yes
sorry i just figured i am in a garage in
the middle of the night with a guy i've
never met and i've watched all the saw
movies so
what is that oh that's my smoking
apparate collection
it's taken me over 11 years to acquire
it's pretty beautiful huh
i wouldn't really know
are you telling me that you a hip chick
who writes fan fiction in a
leather-bound journal that used to work
at a coffee shop has never smoked pot
i i've never smoked anything okay i mean
i just didn't
run with those type of social circles
you know
what's it like i'll give you a crash
course
oh hi there this is a bud of marijuana
for centuries mankind has worked to
create the purest strains with the most
vivid highs now although they're the
least complex
joints are probably the most iconic
smoking method now to get an even burn
you got to break up the bud
and to do that i like to use a grinder
now before i was old enough to buy
blunts or papers i was using a couple
low-tech methods
apples are a tasty way to smoke but it
could be awkward
as an alternative some kids are smoking
out of cans
then we have our glassware the
cornerstone in every smoker's collection
the possibilities are endless this
includes
bongs and um uh oh
pipes and um
bubblers
um what's a bubbler that's a very good
question
it's a bong pipe hybrid it's very
effective
just don't rest it on its side
with most glass pieces you have to work
the carburetor
this little hole allows you to mix fire
and oxygen to get just the perfect
amount of burn
if you're looking for the biggest
hide-a-weed conservation ratio
the waterfall method's worth a gander
perfect suction then we got our
high-tech stuff
like a vaporizer it vaporizes the pot so
you're breathing pure thc
quick high no smoke
wow you know a lot about this stuff
so you think you want to try some
uh it's tempting but no i'm good
come on didn't you say something about
wanting to go on an adventure and try
new things
yeah but but this is your opportunity to
try something new
come on pick a piece
well the bubbler was kind of cute
all right you ready mm-hmm just breathe
in
all right now hold it in and exhale
oh man
that tastes weird you feeling it yet
i heard it doesn't work the first time
oh you were wrong
[Music]
the truth
[Music]
did you see that this was a
unique experience for veronica
an agent of danger
of mayhem she's a bad [ __ ] you can't
mess with her
you know what what if i need a blue pen
cause you blue eyes oh yeah
[Music]
that is so amazing if you thought about
being a professional
like a professional guitar player
had she ever been in love this female
offensive fiction
[Music]
we forgot about our internet research
[Music]
strawberry amazing
[Music]
so
it's funny how it only takes one event
for the world to change
pearl harbor the san francisco
earthquake and the cancelling of
spongebob squarepants
instantly altered the course of human
history this may sound disastrous but as
we saw with oliver and megan
the greatest adversities can lead to new
opportunities
good morning oh morning
you sleep like a bear i don't mean a
hibernating one you make all sorts of
crazy growling noises
what happened last night yeah we climbed
the himalayas made out
watched donald duck and math land oh you
drew this picture of us
you did most of the work but i did
sharpie on the boobies
who wrote john g
raped and murdered my wife on my chest
that was me
i really liked the movie memento but uh
it was really hard to write backwards so
i just went for like a really standard
variation
okay where are my clothes and why does
it smell weird over here oh
yeah you decided to take all your
clothes off and rub icy hot all over
your body
you passed out shortly thereafter oh my
god did we have sex
no wait
was that an option am i made to never
smoke weed ever again
noted but check this out i went on the
interwebs and i typed in
all seeing eye tats oxnard into google
and i found this chick
apparently she just tattooed some dude
with the same skin art choco taco and
baby d
were talking about is there any contact
info yes
ah [ __ ] up oliver jeff what the
hell my eyes haven't even adjusted to
the light yet i got to talk to you about
last night you did not handle that
situation in an appropriate fashion
i know i it was you know what a po
who's that i'm megan
it's megan what's up wow i didn't know
you had a lady here
okay that's cool um
did you guys uh mixed the nuts last
night
no jeff we just met well sometimes
that's the way it works out
yes yeah what the [ __ ] let's go
and why do those mexicans park their
[ __ ] ice cream chuck out there honey
please
they're native americans whatever no you
she is really pissed that you screwed up
our special evening last night
and by her being pissed at you you
realize that's her being pissed at me
right look you got stuff to do with the
devil i got stuff to do with the car
let's just talk later okay i uh
meegan if uh you want some time i mean
my girlfriend's pretty much the same age
as you
so maybe we could all get together kick
it
okay sounded kind of non-committal but
whatever
all right are you kidding me you can't
wait i don't wait for no man
[ __ ] i've been eating donuts
since i've worked out i'm still in front
of your house right now
and it's 8 30. all right
yeah thanks
you okay yeah no i'm good
this is about last night isn't it no
this is about my ex-boyfriend he keeps
calling and
apparently last night he camped outside
my apartment that dude is super intense
it's so funny i have all these friends
that are
getting married and having babies but i
was with billy for
seven years and i just never thought i
would settle down with him
i should have broken up with him a long
time ago this whole thing's pretty much
my fault
hey screw that guy i mean at least you
broke it off before it was too late
let me imagine making that decision
after you had a mini megan
like my parents
you know what oliver you're not nearly
as much of a scrub as you pretend to be
thanks no net
oh that's my favorite oh
all right you can have it
i met oliver called a hooker after he
saw his working one out last night
oh i don't think so she doesn't look
like a pro to me
what are you kidding did you see that
tattoo on her chest ugh what's that
hair yeah well she just woke up
and oliver said you didn't sleep with
her no of course she didn't
her kid's a [ __ ]
you know i don't appreciate you saying
that i mean he's a good kid
he's just a little lost right now
you know what you're right i'm sorry i
just i just think that we need to do as
we agreed you know help oliver get on
his feet
tucson's a great place for him to spread
his wings
and once he's moved out you and i can
have the house to ourselves
and i can take my modeling career to the
next level
you squirt me on my stomach baby
oh jeff what the [ __ ]
it's always so much oh
i think all that dairy and donuts making
me sick you want this
definitely so our blog starts to work
with the tattoo shop on thompson
so she works right there bingo
and what was her name crystal
yo what up plan we're looking for
crystal she in today
got an appointment uh no we don't have
an appointment per se
we were hoping for a consultation type
thing yeah we wanted to talk to her
about our clientele
the [ __ ] are you talking about man ain't
you ever heard of client artist
confidentiality
oh i'm sorry can i use your restroom
restrooms are for paying
customers only yeah i'm not really ready
to settle on a tattoo just yet can i use
it anyway oh you're
working my last two [ __ ] nerves
crystal hey
everybody i want to talk to you about
some [ __ ] eat smoke
babe i'm in the middle of a piercing
right now can it wait
well if you want rainbow bright here to
throw up all over your lobby in hell
yeah i guess it can
fine send her back
so e-smoke is that your christian name
it's because i smoke electronic
cigarettes [ __ ]
oh that's smooth
occupied i'm sorry i i don't want to be
rude but could i please get in there
hell no i'm pitching alone get out of
here
it's kind of an emergency oh this is an
emergency
so did uh crystal do that tattoo on your
neck the all-seeing eye
why are you asking so many questions but
you a cop
[ __ ] the police the copy carrying this
gun
bag of stems mine's blood i used to
smoke this [ __ ] back in the 90s
oh what the [ __ ] goddamn your girl in
here vomiting this [ __ ]
[ __ ] that oh [ __ ] sprinkles
it i got you now e smoke
oh weak stomach huh
they want our gold they want to turn us
into a slave race like we were before
they ran their genetic experiments on us
they made us intelligent benson don't
you see it okay i'm trying real hard to
see the truth here
mark uh question what good is gold to a
bunch of half-breed alien millionaires
come on benson they needed to repair the
atmosphere of their dying planet
mark it's been a great having here this
whole weekend you've really shed some
light on the topic we have a base under
the denver airport benson we must spread
the word
thus the podcast and i do encourage all
of my listeners to do their own research
to further educate themselves on the
subject
thanks again for tuning in to machine
treason protecting mankind
from the man don't trust their eyes it's
ocular deception
jesus enough from fort worth how you
doing lady
yo b you got that door pretty quick did
you miss us
oh you caught me well i didn't i didn't
miss you i was
anxious for your arrival oh what is that
smell
i had an accident can i borrow something
to wear
don't you live next door yeah but then i
run the risk of running into my
boyfriend billy he's probably camped
down on my front door
ex-boyfriend billy his ex-boyfriend
come in
all right what's the latest development
whoa benson since when were you excited
to hear about our antics
oh please don't be so dramatic just give
me the news
all right let me ask you one question
first okay
are you really out of that platinum blue
dream or were you holding out on me
because i smell it in here
dwyla will you bring me the last of that
really good [ __ ]
benson my friend you lied to me
whoa i did not lie to you i got really
high on this and
forgot where i left it this stuff is
potent okay do you have any idea the
street value of this
no how much is it worth i was asking you
i don't actually don't know how to price
it okay enough drug talk whoa whoa whoa
weed we know the name of the guy who
stole the car
who is it e-smoke e-smoke
[ __ ] e-smoke stole your car you know
who that is
yeah i delivered to him all the time let
me tell you something that guy plays
duty like a daddy
mad skills what's duty god he plays a
fish
call of duty so we know where he lives
yeah of course
strawberry cream cycle oh
could i borrow something else i have
just a thing
so i was thinking that we'd start with
that disaster of a garage
maybe lay out some yoga mats put some
paint on the walls
maybe a few mirrors make it like a
little
workout room sure and do you remember my
friend mary
well she makes these wine racks and i
think they would be super cute in the
wine cellar
wait which one is that the cute little
red head from yoga with herpes
no which room is the wine cellar
well i was thinking that we could
convert your office
into a wine cellar make it like a cool
dark cave with the mood lights
i just think it's completely sad and
dull as it is
reminds me of work what do you say we
jump in the pool
i'm laying out you can't take a break
from your chair for a second and jump in
the pool
i can't get my hair wet what are you a
chinchilla
i mean come on you take a shower every
day what does your hair dodge the shower
water come on
you know what you're being a dick jeff a
huge dick okay this is my money maker
makes the money i just don't understand
why when we're hanging out together we
can't enjoy ourselves and jump in the
pool
ugh grossing me out you sound like my
dad right now
i'm gonna go to the sauna
i can't believe you what i'm just trying
to have some fun jennifer come on
[ __ ] you jeff it's not what i signed up
for
[ __ ] loser and you deserve your lazy
ass son
i'm out of here don't you go dry
off your money maker
are you sure benson gave us the right
address you know that man never fibs the
facts
you went ahead of this this platinum
blue dream puts you on a different
playing field
no i don't think i should be fighting
crime under the influence
what are you doing are you gonna go in
there guns blazing should we come up
with a plan you know
you know what you can hang back there's
nothing wrong with playing it safe
um okay i'm coming
oliver i don't feel good about this it's
fine expect the unexpected we have to
catch him off guard
[Music]
you're just gonna knock on the front
door that seems pretty standard good
point maybe we stick around back trying
to find an open window it is not what i
meant i meant we're trespassing now and
are we talking accents
[Music]
oh
you gonna roll into my spot in the
middle of nap time or screaming and [ __ ]
the [ __ ] is wrong with you give me your
wallet
don't have a wall give me the [ __ ] id
then
why why are you following me cause you
saw my car
man that car is gone man goddammit you
ain't getting it back so i suggest
oliver you get the [ __ ] up out of here
all right and
i do so much and see you following me or
driving down my street
i know we both live
[Music]
get the [ __ ] out of here
stop [ __ ] with my fruit trees
i love you
meg you slow down we're in the ocean
already
it's okay calm down are you kidding what
that guy put a gun to my head oliver he
took my stubby
he has my notebook i i know i know it's
but
it's just stuff okay i mean plus the gun
wasn't loaded
you're ridiculous you you put people in
danger and then you don't take
responsibility for your actions and
and the worst part about it is you don't
even notice because you're always so
stoned
come on i hardly ever get stoned
that's such a high tolerance i could
probably smoke like a pound and be fully
functional
let me ask you a question oliver have
you ever done anything
you haven't [ __ ] up hey don't start
criticizing me all right i was doing
just fine until you were all like
oh let's let's go on an adventure i'm a
goody tissues he's only ever taken one
dick
i wanted a carefree let's sell ice cream
kind of adventure
gotta put a gun to my head kind of
adventure
grow up come on maggie you just gonna
walk away
oh oh god
[Music]
days
[Music]
and i'm sure
[Music]
what are you looking at me for i don't
know what comes next can you give me the
updated pages
it looks like a lover's on his own now
no hey devil bum did you see an ice
cream truck
uh well i saw a clown who got up into an
ice cream truck and
fled at a fantastic rate hey
you're the dream chasing fellow how is
that going for you
not as planned yeah man i'm sorry to
hear that
oh you wanna have a seat talk about it
you know i understand about things not
going as planned
i uh personally was gonna be a astronaut
like my papi
a real space man flying around the
galaxy and [ __ ]
which is not what i've been doing lately
yeah
i was supposed to be riding off into the
sunset with a hot babe on a fresh
scooter
i got telling my dad i [ __ ] up that
i'm off to tucson
arizona oh hey man tucson that's great i
i think you're gonna do great in tucson
i personally had a lot of success
in tucson if you had so much success in
that
[ __ ] desert what are you doing here
collecting cans
i'm sorry did i say success i meant butt
sex
success about sex success i had a lot of
butt sex
in tucson irregardless of that matter
do you have any weed yeah actually i do
oh wait hold on hold on what was that
simmering honey pot of a woman
did you um tap that ass no
[Music]
it was an option last night but i look
man i
i generally try not to dispense advice
on the couch
it's sort of a breach of protocol but i
think it could help you
so i'll make an exception here's some
advice
one find out what women want two
give it to them now if you'll excuse me
it's time for me to blast off
i thought maybe you'd spring for the
good stuff
here you go oh
yeah that my friend is some
good [ __ ] we used to smoke dope like
this back in the 80s
apology has come a long way my friend i
don't think you had anything this good
back then
hey i'm really sorry for calling you a
loser yesterday
you get your [ __ ] together you get your
[ __ ] together you're an affluent
businessman
you're a pillar of the community i'm
pretty sure
you know what i'm sorry
i can fight it in your son i called you
a dick
dick i also called your girlfriend a
racist
and plus i totally ripped you off on
this weed
but i promise it will never happen again
whoa honesty
that's refreshing
speaking of your girlfriend i totally
slept with her senior year
ouch bro that one hurt
maybe that was a little too honest but
you
we had a whole thing yeah but not then
dad what the hell are you doing smoking
with my drug dealer
weed dealer you oliver
what's up bro i am so glad to see you
what the [ __ ] oh he wanted this smoke
like he's
really picked dude sit down let's have a
little pow wow
no thanks i quit does jennifer know
you're smoking because john
jennifer doesn't know [ __ ] dude because
i kicked her ass to the curb
it's just us now just us we are the most
dangerous dudes on the block dog
woof i'm not gonna do that yeah okay
benson can i have my dad alone for a
minute
what is your problem i mean i thought
i thought you'd like this dude no i
don't like this i need you to be a dad
not a bro
but i'm with the dangerously cool guys
i'm 26 years old
i'm an adult you're an adult it's time
we start acting like it
a wise man once told me to never let an
opportunity pass you up
because they'll eventually disappear
look
i got something i gotta get off my chest
it's about the car no you've already
said enough my child
my boy my son
my blood is pumping through your
[ __ ] veins yo
i am sorry i ever called you a [ __ ] to
your face behind your back
all of it and i like that cause
sometimes man
you gotta bite you gotta
bark like you're gonna bite or you just
bite on it just to stop while you're
ahead you're starting to sound like a no
fear t-shirt
look you're a good dad and i want to
spend time with you but
you need to sober up and i got some
stuff i got to take care of
i got some things i got to take care of
too
like these fashions man i don't know
what i'm doing
i need your help to bitey smoke and get
what's mine i do deliver weed man it's
not in my best interest to go around
pissing off all my clients
you can wear a mask i need you to be my
hero you could be my jfk
do you have a plan we follow you smoke
to wherever he's got the car beat him up
and take it back
there's no reason to over complicate
things we're keeping this one simple so
when a double team you smoke
no quadruple teeny smoke quadruple team
who else is there
[Music]
what your country can do for you and
what you
can do for your country
the only thing we have to fear is
fear itself a date which will
live in infamy
for me
[Music]
there he is follow
all right this is it dagger and
bloodline you split to the left benson
you're with me
oliver why don't we have weapons and
they do no time
yo lemonhead i'm here for my car
my notebook and my [ __ ] apology
[Music]
damn it how many [ __ ] times did i
tell you to lock that gate now i did
lock it it must have slipped over y'all
shut the [ __ ] up
you better get the [ __ ] up out of here
before i have my boys kick your ass
[Music]
so
yeah number plan what this mass man and
these two broke-ass looking mexicans oh
my god i don't get it they're [ __ ] in
it why does everybody give you
shut the [ __ ] up he's gonna recognize
your voice well if you bring it up
probably yeah benson
you were such a dick everybody shut the
[ __ ] up
relax that thing ain't loaded i know
he's tried it before
oh [ __ ]
[Music]
[ __ ] him up
now get the [ __ ] up out of here man i
just told you that car is gone
[ __ ] you [ __ ]
ah
now for the last time
stay the [ __ ] away from me
on god damn
oliver what's up
how you doing
[Music]
smoke
we're not done here
oh
i still can't believe that [ __ ] shot
me yeah well
at least it was just a grease oh [ __ ]
you just a graze
ow ow people in the civil war died from
less thank you very much
one minute think it was a good idea to
take down actual criminals
i don't know that was my first sober
thought in 12 years
i'm sorry i got you tagged man yeah
megan's right i do put people in danger
that's all right i'll live but maybe
this
that should stop me the drug dealer if i
actually do something with my life
put me in the history books yeah yeah
like what i was thinking about doing a
documentary about that
whole reptile subhuman theory i think i
can link it to 911.
it's maybe even the bay of pigs that
makes sense huh
that [ __ ] adds up right oliver
well i guess this is where we say
farewell my friend are you gonna be okay
it's just a graze right
yeah i know twilight and suzie are
inside uh as soon as he was a med school
dropout so i'll be just fine
all right yeah uh
all yeah just just go to her get out of
here
hey oliver what happened to your face
i went after you smoke you went after
east smoke
but he has a gun we had something i
needed
it was really important
my notebook
oliver this is the guy you've been
ignoring my text messages over
billy it's over leave me alone you're
just confused
right now megs okay you need to come to
your senses
was this guy got you all drugged up or
something drugged up what no
oliver's my boyfriend he's your what
um well let me tell you something right
now okay this guy is no [ __ ] good
all right he's a lazy waste of space
mouth-breathing
piece of [ __ ]
holy [ __ ] nice punch
i could use you back at the junkyard
[ __ ] throwstradamus i like that action
honestly i thought you went home and
rushed to the arms of romeo over there
oh no i spent 45 minutes crying in a
public bathroom
and then i smoked with an aerospace bomb
and it made me realize something oliver
i like you
[Music]
you're high
you have flat on your face yeah
[Music]
breakfast yeah
donuts no right right
[Music]
oliver never did get that darn mercury
back
you got something else though something
far more viable
than a classic muscle car he got the
chance to seize an opportunity
go on an adventure and find himself
well that's it
that's the end of the story of oliver
loved
now excuse me i have to go test out my
new wheels
[Music]
hey you think you can give me a ride to
kfc
man i'm trying to pick up some boneless
nuggets
damn
hey homies you want to go burn a ball
[Music]
i'm getting ready for the golden age
[Music]
oliver what the hell's going on where's
mrs rhodes car
dad it's a long story a car's gone
what it got stolen i tried to go after
it
and i got beat up real bad by the guys
who took it they shot benson
what i've been running with a real tough
crowd lately
well why did you go after her you could
have been killed i'm trying to take
responsibility for my actions
come here
you are stupid i know it's a problem
that is the dumbest thing i've ever
heard yes in hindsight it was
that's why we have insurance yeah i
didn't think about that at the time one
phone call
if i had remembered that before i
committed to the adventure ice cream
truck
version i would have done that instead
[Music]
is
[Music]
is
[Music]
but i'm not afraid
with me
silver souls
[Music]
oh
[Music]
so
[Music]
stage
[Music]
now
you