but in the [ __ ] Department in the
[ __ ] Department a businessman can't
hold a candle to a clergyman because I
got to tell you the truth folks I gotta
tell you the truth when it comes to
[ __ ] big-time major-league [ __ ]
you have to stand in awe in awe of the
all-time champion of false promises and
exaggerated claims religion no contest
no contest religion religion easily has
the greatest [ __ ] story ever told
think about it religion has actually
convinced people that there's an
invisible man living in the sky who
watches everything you do every minute
of every day and the invisible man has a
special list of ten things he does not
want you to do and if you do any of
these ten things he has a special place
full of fire and smoke and burning and
torture and anguish where he will send
you to live and suffer and burn and
choke and scream and cry forever and
ever till the end of time but he loves
you
love you
he loves you and he needs money he
always needs money he's all-powerful
all-perfect all-knowing and all-wise
somehow just can't handle money religion
takes in billions of dollars they pay no
taxes and they always need a little more
now you talk about a good [ __ ] story
holy [ __ ]
lady
very much but I want you to know I want
you to know something this is sincere I
want you to know when it comes to
believing in God I really tried I really
really tried I tried to believe that
there is a God who created each of us in
his own image and likeness loves us very
much and keeps a close eye on things I
really tried to believe that but I got
to tell you the longer you live the more
you look around the more you realize
something is [ __ ] up something is
wrong here
war disease death destruction hunger
filth poverty torture crime corruption
and the Ice Capades something is
definitely wrong
this is not good work if this is the
best God can do I am NOT impressed
results like these do not belong on the
resume of a Supreme Being this is the
kind of [ __ ] you'd expect from an office
temp with a bad attitude just between
you and me in between you and me in any
decently run universe this guy would
have been out on is all-powerful ass a
long time ago by the way I say this guy
because I firmly believe looking at
these results that if there is a God it
has to be a man no woman could or would
ever [ __ ] things up like this
if if there is a god if there is I think
most reasonable people might agree that
he's at least incompetent and maybe just
maybe doesn't give a [ __ ] doesn't give a
[ __ ] which I admire in a person and
which would explain a lot of these bad
results so rather than be just another
mindless religious robot mindlessly and
aimlessly and blindly believing that all
of this is in the hands of some spooky
incompetent father figure who doesn't
give a [ __ ] I decided to look around for
something else to worship something I
could really count on and immediately I
thought of the Sun happened like that
overnight I became a Sun worshipper
well not overnight you can't see the Sun
at night the next morning I became a Sun
worshipper several reasons first of all
I can see the Sun okay unlike some other
gods I could mention I can actually see
the Sun I'm big on that if I can see
something I don't know kind of helps the
credibility along you know
so everyday I can see the Sun as it
gives me everything I need heat like
food flowers in the park reflections on
the lake an occasional skin cancer but
hey at least there are no crucifixions
and we're not setting people on fire
simply because they don't agree with us
Sun worship is fairly simple there's no
mystery no miracles no pageantry no one
asks for money there are no songs to
learn and we don't have a special
building where we all gather once a week
to compare clothing and the benefit the
best thing about the Sun it never tells
me I'm unworthy doesn't tell me I'm a
bad person who needs to be saved
hasn't said an unkind word treats me
fine so I worship the Sun but I don't
pray to the Sun no why
I wouldn't presume on our friendship
it's not polite I've often thought
people treat God rather rudely don't you
asking you know trillions and trillions
of prayers every day asking and pleading
and begging for favors do this give me
that I need a new car want a better job
and most of this praying takes place on
Sunday his day off and it's no way to
treat a friend but people do pray and
they pray for a lot of different things
you know your sister needs an operation
on her crotch your brother was arrested
for defecating in a mall but most of all
you'd really like to [ __ ] that hot
little redhead down at the convenience
store
the one with the eye patch and the
clubfoot do you pray for that I think
you'd have to and I say fine pray for
anything you want pray for anything but
what about the Divine Plan remember that
the Divine Plan long time ago God made a
divine plan gave it a lot of thought
decided it was a good plan put it into
practice and for billions and billions
of years the divine plan has been doing
just fine now you come along and pray
for something well suppose the thing you
want isn't in God's divine plan what do
you want him to do change his plan just
for you then it seem a little arrogant
it's a divine plan what's the use of
being God if every rundown schmuck with
a two-dollar prayer book can come along
and [ __ ] up your plan and here's
something else another problem you might
have
suppose your prayers aren't answered
what do you say well it's God's will thy
will be done fine but if it's God's will
he's gonna do what he wants to anyway
why the [ __ ] bother praying in the first
place seem like a big waste of time to
me couldn't you just skip the praying
part and go right to his will it's all
very confusing so to get around a lot of
this I decided to worship the Sun but as
I said I don't pray to the Sun you know
who I pray to Joe Pesci
Joe Pesci two reasons first of all I
think he's a good actor okay to me that
dudes second he looks like a guy who can
get things done Joe Pesci doesn't [ __ ]
around does he [ __ ] around in fact in
fact Joe Pesci came through on a couple
of things that God was having trouble
with for years I asked God to do
something about my noisy neighbor with
the barking dog Joe Pesci straighten
that [ __ ] out with one visit it's
amazing what you can accomplish with a
simple baseball bat so I've been praying
to Joe for about a year now and I
noticed something I noticed that all the
prayers I used to offer to God and all
the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are
being answered at about the same 50%
rate half the time I get what I want
half the time I don't same as God
fifty-fifty same as the four-leaf clover
in the horseshoe the wishing well and
the rabbit's foot same as the Mojo man
same as the Voodoo lady who tells your
fortune by squeezing the goats testicles
it's all the same 50/50 so just pick
your superstitions sit back make a wish
and enjoy yourself and for those of you
who look to the Bible for moral lessons
and literary qualities I might suggest a
couple of other stories for you you
might want to look at the three little
pigs that's a good one
that's a nice happy ending I'm sure
you'll like that then there's Little Red
Riding Hood although it does have that
x-rated part where the big bad wolf
actually eats the grandmother but I
didn't care for it by the way and
finally I've often always drawn a great
deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty
the Potter liked the best
all the king's horses and all the king's
men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back
together again that's because there is
no Humpty Dumpty and there is no god
none not one no God never was in fact
I'm gonna I'm gonna put it this way if
there is a god if there is a God may he
strike this audience dead
[Applause]
everybody's okay all right tell you what
tell you a lot I'll raise the stakes
I'll raise the stakes a little bit if
there is a God may he strike me dead see
nothing happened up wait got a little
cramp in my leg and my balls hurt plus
I'm blind
good luck oh now I'm okay again must
have been Joe Pesci
god bless Joe Pesci thank you all very
much
the FCC an appointed body not elected
answerable only to the president decided
on its own that radio and television
were the only two parts of American life
not protected by the First Amendment to
the Constitution why did they decide
that because they got a letter from a
minister in Mississippi a reverend
Donald Wildmon and Mississippi heard
something on the radio that he didn't
like well Reverend did anyone ever tell
you there are two knobs on the radio
of course I'm sure the Reverend isn't
that comfortable with anything that has
two knobs on it but hey Reverend there
are two knobs on the radio one of them
turns the radio off and the other one
changes the station
imagine that Reverend you can actually
change the station it's called freedom
of choice and it's one of the principles
this country was founded upon look it up
in the library Reverend if you have any
of them left when you finish burning all
the books
and I don't know how you feel about it
but I am getting pretty sick and tired
of these [ __ ] church people with
these [ __ ] church people all of you
know what I say we ought to do what
these churches tax them tax these
[ __ ] if they're so interested
in politics and government policy and
public policy let them pay their
admission price like everybody else tax
them hey the Catholic Church alone could
wipe out the federal budget deficit if
all you did was tax them on their real
estate holdings
here's another slogan here's another
slogan you run into all the time god
bless america
once again respectfully I say to myself
what the [ __ ] does that mean god Bless
America is that a request is that a
demand is that a suggestion
politicians say it at the end of every
speech as if it were some sort of verbal
tic that they can't get rid of god bless
you and God bless america god bless you
and God bless america
I guess they figure if they leave it out
someone's gonna think they're bad
Americans let me tell you a little
secret about God folks God does not give
a flying [ __ ] about America okay he
doesn't care he never cared about this
country he never has he never will he
doesn't care about this country any more
than he cares about Mongolia
Transylvania Pittsburgh the Suez Canal
of the North Pole he simply doesn't care
okay he doesn't care listen okay there
are 200 countries in the world now do
these people honestly think that God is
sitting around picking out his favorites
why would he do that why would God have
a favorite country and why would it be
America out of all the countries because
we have the most money because he likes
our National Anthem
maybe it's because you heard we have 18
delicious flavors of classic rice-a-roni
it's delusional thinking it's delusional
thinking and Americans are not alone
with these sort of delusions military
cemeteries around the world are packed
with brainwashed dead soldiers who were
convinced God was on their side America
prays for God to destroy our enemies our
enemies pray for God to destroy us
somebody's going to be disappointed
somebody's wasting their [ __ ] time
could it be everyone now
if people want to say god Bless America
that's their business I don't care but
here's what I don't understand if they
say god bless america
presumably they believe in God and if
they do they must have heard God loved
everyone that's what he said he loved
everyone and loved him equally so why
would these people ask God to do
something that went against his own
teachings
you know what these god bless america
people ought to do they ought to check
what that jesus fellow they're so crazy
about you're always talking about what
would Jesus do what would Jesus do they
don't want to know so they can do it
they just want to know so they could
tell other people to do it well I'll
tell you what Jesus would have done I'll
tell you what Jesus would have done he
would have got up on the top of the
Empire State Building and said god bless
everyone around the world forever and
ever till the end of time
that's what Jesus would have done and
that's what these people should do or
else they should admit that god Bless
America is really just some sort of an
empty slogan with no real meaning except
for something vague like good luck good
luck America you're on your own which is
a little bit closer to the truth I
started to question all this stupid hat
[ __ ] when I was a kid when I was a kid I
was a Catholic at least until I reached
the age of reason okay so I was a
Catholic I was a Catholic for about two
two and a half years something like that
and during that time one of the things
they told us was that if a boy or a man
went into a church he had to remove his
hat in order to honor the presence of
God but they had already told me that
God was everywhere so I used to wonder
well if God is everywhere why would you
even own a hat why not show your respect
don't even buy a [ __ ] hat that's just
to confuse things further they told the
women exactly the opposite Catholic
women and girls had to cover their heads
when they went into church same as in
certain temples Jewish men have to cover
that their heads in those temples in
those same temples Jewish women not
allowed to cover their heads so try to
figure this [ __ ] out Catholic man and
Jewish women no hats Catholic women and
Jewish men hats somebody's got the whole
thing totally [ __ ] backwards on today
and
[Music]
and what is this religious fascination
with headgear every religions got a
different [ __ ] hat Chiba notice that
the Hindus have a turban the Sikhs have
a tall white turban Jews have a yarmulke
the Muslims had the kaffir the bishop
has a pointy hat on one day and a round
head on another day Cardinal has a red
hat Pope as it why everybody's got a
[ __ ] hat one group takes them off the
other group puts him on personally I
would never want to be a member of any
group where you either have to wear a
hat or you can't wear a hat I think
I think all religions should have one
rule and one rule only hats optional
that's all you need to run a really good
religion here's another one of these
civic customs swearing on the Bible you
understand that [ __ ] they tell you to
raise your right hand place your left
hand on the Bible does this stuff really
matter which hand does God really give a
[ __ ] about details like this suppose you
put your right hand in the Bible you
raise your left hand with that count but
would God say sorry wrong hand try again
and what why does one hand have to be
raised what is the magic in this gesture
this seems like some sort of a primitive
voodoo mojo shtick why not put your left
hand on the Bible let your right hand
hang down by your side it's more natural
or put it in your pocket remember what
your mother used to say don't put your
hands in your pockets does she know
something we don't know is this hand
[ __ ] really important well let's get
back to the Bible America's favorite
national theatrical prop suppose the
Bible they hand you to swear on is
upside down or backward or both and you
swear to tell the truth on an upside
down backward Bible
with that count suppose the Bible of
hanju is an old Bible and half the pages
are missing
suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible
in an American Court or a Braille Bible
and you're not blind
suppose they hand you an upside down
backwards Cheney's Braille Bible with
half the pages missing
at what point does all of this stuff
just break down and become just a lot of
stupid [ __ ] that somebody made up they
[ __ ] made it up folks it's
make-believe it's make-believe now okay
let's leave the Bible aside we'll get
back to the science fiction reading
later the more important question is
what is the big deal about swearing to
God in the first place
why does swearing to God mean you're
gonna tell the truth wouldn't affect me
if they said to me you swear to tell the
truth the whole truth and nothing but
the truth so help you God
I'd say yeah I'll tell you about as much
truth as the people who wrote that
[ __ ] Bible how do you like that
swearing on the Bible doesn't mean
anything it's kids swear to God is kid
stuff yeah that when you were a kid if
you if you told another kids something
he didn't quite believe he so you swear
to God I would always say yeah I swear
to God even if I was lying why not
what's gonna happen if I lie nothing
nothing happens if you lied unless you
get caught and that's a whole different
story rights are an idea they're just
imaginary they're a cute idea cute but
that's all cute and fictional but if you
think you do have rights let me ask you
this where do they come from people say
well they come from God their god-given
rights oh [ __ ] here we go again
[Applause]
the God excuse the last refuge of a man
with no answers and no argument that
came from God anything we can't describe
must have come from God personally folks
I believe that if your rights came from
God he would have given you the right to
some food every day and he would have
given you the right to a roof over your
head
God would have been looking out for you
he would have been worried about making
sure you have a gun so you get drunk on
Sunday night and kill your girlfriend's
parents but let's say it's true let's
say God gave us these rights why would
he give us a certain number of Rights
the Bill of Rights in this country has
ten stipulations okay ten rights and
apparently God was doing sloppy work
that week because we've had to amend the
Bill of Rights an additional 17 times so
God forgot a couple of things like
slavery just [ __ ] slipped his mind
but let's say let's say God gave us the
original Ten he gave the British 13 the
British Bill of Rights has 13
stipulations the Germans have 29 the
Belgians have 25 the Swedish have only
six and some people in the world have no
rights at all what kind of a [ __ ]
goddamn god-given deal is that no rights
at all why would God give different
people in different countries different
numbers of different rights boredom
amusement bad arithmetic do we find out
at long last after all this time that
God is weak in math skills
doesn't sound like divine planning to me
sounds more like human planning sounds
more like one group trying to control
another group in other words business as
usual in America the Ten Commandments
here's my problem why are they attend
you don't need ten I think the list of
Commandments was deliberately and
artificially inflated to get it up to
ten it's a padded list here's what they
did about five thousand years ago a
bunch of religious and political
hustlers got together to try to figure
out how to control people how to keep
him in line they knew people were
basically stupid and would believe
anything they were told so they
announced that God had given them some
Commandments up on a mountain when no
one was around
God had given them that Ten Commandments
but let me ask you this when they were
sitting around making this [ __ ] up why
did they pick 10 why 10
why not 9 or 11 I'll tell you why
because 10 sounds official
10 sounds important they knew 4 was 11
people wouldn't take it seriously so
what are you kidding me the 11
commandments get the [ __ ] out of here
but 10 10 sounds important
10 is the basis for the decimal system
it's a decade it's a psychologically
satisfying number the top 10 the 10 most
wanted the 10 best-dressed so having Ten
Commandments was really a marketing
decision to me it's clearly a [ __ ]
list it's a political document
artificially inflated to sell better I'm
gonna show you how you could reduce the
number of Commandments and come up with
a list that's a little more workable and
logical we're going to start with the
first three and I'll use the Roman
Catholic version because those are the
ones I was taught as a little boy I am
THE LORD thy God thou shalt not have
strange gods before me thou shalt not
take the name of the LORD thy God in
vain
thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath right
off the bat the first three pure
[ __ ] Sabbath Sabbath day Lord's name
strange gods spooky language spoken
language designed to scare and control
primitive people in no way does
superstitious nonsense like this apply
to the lives of intelligent civilized
humans in the 21st century you throw out
the first three Commandments war you're
down to seven
next honor thy father and mother
obedience respect for authority just
another name for controlling people the
truth is obedience and respect should
not be automatic they should be earned
they should be based on the parents
performance
[Music]
some some parents deserve respect most
of them don't period you're down to six
now in the interest of logic something
religion is very uncomfortable with
we're going to jump around the list a
little bit
thou shalt not steal thou shalt not bear
false witness stealing and lying well
actually these two both prohibit the
same kind of behavior dishonesty
stealing and lying so you don't need two
of them instead you combine them and you
call it thou shalt not be dishonest and
suddenly you're down to five and as long
as we're combining I have two others
that belong together
thou shalt not commit adultery thou
shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife once
again these two prohibit the same kind
of behavior in this case marital
infidelity
the difference is coveting takes place
in the mind and I don't think you should
outlaw fantasizing about someone else's
wife otherwise what's a guy going to
think about when he's waxing his carrot
but marital fidelity is a good idea so
we're gonna keep the idea I'd call this
one thou shalt not be unfaithful and
suddenly we're down to four but when you
think about it
honesty and fidelity are really part of
the same overall value so in truth you
could combine the two honesty
Commandments with the two fidelity
Commandments and give them simpler
language positive language instead of
negative and call the whole thing thou
shalt always be honest and faithful and
we're down to three thou shalt thou
shalt they're going away they're going
away fast thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's Goods this one is just plain
[ __ ] stupid coveting your neighbor's
Goods is what keeps the economy going
right your neighbor gets a vibrator the
plays o come all ye faithful do you want
to get one too coveting creates jobs
leave it alone you're throught coveting
you're down to two now the big honesty
infidelity commandment and the one we
haven't talked about yet thou shalt not
kill murder the fifth commandment but
when you think about it when you think
about it
religion has never really had a big
problem with murder not really more
people have been killed in the name of
God than for any other reason
all you have to do is look at Northern
Ireland the Middle East Kashmir the
Inquisition the Crusades and the World
Trade Centre to see how seriously the
religious folks take thou shalt not kill
the more devout they are the more they
see murder as being negotiable it's
negotiable you know with the pennies it
depends it depends on who's doing the
killing and who's getting killed so with
all of this in mind I leave you with my
revised list of the two Commandments
thou shalt always be honest and faithful
to the provider of thy Nicky and thou
shalt try real hard not to kill anyone
unless of course they pray to a
different invisible man from the one you
pray to to is all you need Moses could
have carried him down the hill in his
[ __ ] pocket and if they had a list
like that I wouldn't mind those folks in
Alabama putting it up on the courthouse
wall as long as they included one
additional commandment thou shall keep
thy religion to thyself Catholics which
I was until I reached the age of reason
Catholics and other Christians are
against abortions and they're against
homosexuals well who has less abortions
and homosexuals leave these [ __ ]
people alone for Christ's sakes here is
an entire class of people guaranteed
never to have an abortion and the
Catholics and Christians are just
tossing them aside
you'd think they'd make natural allies
don't look for consistency in religion
and speaking of my friends at Catholics
when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York
and some of these other Cardinals and
bishops have experienced their first
pregnancies and their first labor pains
and they've raised a couple of children
on a minimum wage then I'll be glad to
hear what they have to say about
abortion I'm sure it'll be interesting
in the meantime what they ought to be
doing is telling these priests who took
a vow of chastity to keep their hands
off the altar boys when Jesus said
suffer the little children come unto me
that's not what he was talking about
[Applause]
so you know what I tell these
anti-abortion people as a hey if you'd
think a fetus is more important than a
woman try getting a fetus to wash the
[ __ ] stains out of your underwear for no
pay and no pension
I don't think of an abortionist term
limits that's all it is
biological term limits but you know the
longer you listen to this abortion
debate the more you hear this phrase
sanctity of life you've heard that
sanctity of life you believe in it
personally I think it's a bunch of [ __ ]
well I mean life is sacred who said so
god hey if you read history you realize
that God is one of the leading causes of
death has been for thousands of years
Hindus Muslims Jews Christians all
taking turns killing each other cuz God
told them it was a good idea the sword
of God the blood of the Lamb vengeance
is mine millions of dead [ __ ]
[ __ ] all because they gave the
wrong answer to the god question you
believe in God
no dad you believe in God
yes you believe in my god no poom dead
my God has a bigger dick than your God
thousands of years thousands of years
and all the best Wars to the bloodiest
most brutal wars fought all based on
religious hatred which is fine with me
any time a bunch of holy people want to
kill each other I'm a happy guy but
don't be giving me all this [ __ ] about
the sanctity of life I mean even if
there were such a thing I don't think
it's something you can blame on God no
you know where the sanctity of life came
from we made it up you know why because
we're alive same with religion religion
is nothing but mind control religion is
just trying to control your mind control
your thoughts so they're going to tell
you some things you shouldn't say
because their sins and besides telling
you things you shouldn't say religion is
gonna suggest to you some things you
ought to be saying yes something you
ought to say first thing when you wake
up in the morning here's something you
ought to say just before you go to sleep
at night here's something we always say
on the third Wednesday in April after
the first full moon in spring at 4
o'clock when the bells ring religion is
always suggesting things you ought to be
saying