[Music]
hey y'all it's me reverend page you know
kwanzaa's just around the corner and
guess what i'm about to drop my new cd
it's called hey man it's me jesus
let me kick you down a little something
from a single hey man it's me
d
[Music]
hey man it's me
g
plus
hey man it's me
g
does
open up
let me in
[Music]
i gotta make it
[Music]
is
[Music]
is
[Music]
room stoppers good morning guys you're
here for the trash trash
man you better show her your wings
great for roach stompers here to stomp
out some roaches and cements the answer
was a one-time problem i will call right
now i'll cancel the monthly wait wait a
minute
we drove a long distance to get out of
here you better gotta know something all
right and we're gonna kill some bugs
tell them roaches ants
okay
wise
horse flies crabs
okay
upstairs to your right you got all the
bedrooms to your left the formal dining
room come here come come come and here
my living room
[Music]
nice place
you got a boyfriend i'm just kidding do
you no i'm just i'm just listen lady you
are in denial see all homes got bugs
yeah it's always something different
like right now we're looking for the g
roach g roach what's that it's a roach
that's a real g
like two [ __ ] 50. yeah you can shoot
them a spray nine times
and it just won't die it could eat
through anything
you can smell it too lady it's not a
game we're professionals junior stay in
here i'm gonna check upstairs i got you
man uh sir straight ahead to your left
upstairs you've got 20 minutes okay
and that's 20 minutes 20 minutes
20 minutes
that's more than enough time you gotta
wipe off that i know all about ropes
[Music]
damn
[Music]
oh yeah
mother of pearl i'm gonna rock my world
stop
dad i want you to clean up
i'm talking to you
you
have you been hanging out with brittany
have you got people fighting in your
backyard is your woman a woman going
back wild if so you need to get set
out your life
the lord is the answer
no my brother
this is the answer
join me reverend page every sunday my
house of worship five services starting
6 a.m
that's rose duke no it's not that's rose
dookie i'm telling you that is dust okay
yeah that's it ready
come on down here man i haven't found a
mother lode man
oh big old pile of roach dude
no it's not man this is probably where
it converges after a large meal look how
much it is that's roast dude it's not
you don't believe me no i don't
[Music]
food fancy wine fancy talk
builder on the floor
[Music]
you fancy this you got that now you
clean up and you get out hey friend get
your ass
junior
ah
down here
man we got to go my mouth almost been my
damn face off we gotta go look behind
the couch that's where all the ropes
were hauling to the window on vacation
they behind this couch right
now damn man it's like a roach racetrack
yeah what's up now [ __ ] huh what's up
huh look at me while i'm this junior
doing this to you junior
don't look down
[Music]
get out
come on junior we got to go let's go
let's go what do you mean what i do i
ain't doing what you're talking about
what ain't doing nothing you just stole
something why you been i ain't still
know what you're talking about you know
something i ain't still nothing with you
i know you still have something cause
i'm a kleptomaniac just like you just
like you i was at the meeting last night
seeing you raise your hand up yes i'm
afraid of the kleptomaniac and i'm
ashamed of what i do are you done martin
luther king are you done now you got a
problem in yourself i'm not going back
to jail cause you're dropping yesterday
to make that accusation that's where i
am i'm hurt
my name is freddie
maniac stop projecting on me fight your
own
with the big ass titties tonight you
know what your problem is anger
management you need counseling that's
what you need
[ __ ]
still nothing so what'd you get anyway
[Music]
shake it off
[Music]
look at this man we look ridiculous this
is embarrassing you got antenna in your
head i got into it on my head we're 30
years old
well actually i'm 30. you live in the
olden third i can see because you got no
lines in your eyes
you see how they did raw when he retired
what did they give him a fake old roach
watch what the hell is he gonna do with
the fake on real quick
first of all you need to stop tripping
about the road stoppers thing that's our
job it's an honest living causing rope
stompers we gonna eat and as far as the
fake gold rose watch is concerned
that watch was fly
are you serious
[Music]
you're right
i was tripping i was tripping because i
was about to quit just now you know what
you just reel me back in you brilliant
man you deep get your ass out the truck
right there i know you hear me
man you sure we ain't gonna get a ticket
popped over here man stop tripping we'll
be okay
indeed we are blessed
now before we kick up off in here
correctly today i have a few
announcements i would like to thank
brother jay for the game
you fried chicken looking muggers hey
keebler what are you doing out your tree
my man bigger tub
give me five you got the same list as a
german shepherd well give me two and a
half days i ain't giving you [ __ ]
darkness
we're just gonna leave you hanging out
big you're just gonna bring your ass a
happy man y'all finished with the jokes
black and blacker
where's my hook at you punks all the
hookers see all the hookers within the
500 mile radius they don't hurt about
your breath and uh they ain't with it
how about if i bust a cap in your ass
park would you like that huh before you
even get to your gun
i go bowling with your ass
come on come on man you felt no pressure
like this not since they shot your ass
out of candy bring it calm down come on
dude go ahead man go to the guard get on
your knees i hope you so bad you like
you stole something so i could kick your
ass across the street do it go
sorry about that man he suffers from
dark syndrome you know black people
always mad
i don't like your boy here you know it's
like an evil eddie murphy
check it out though we just trying to
make this money so we can live american
dream there's a guy who gets the
american dream the devil ain't gonna
call you and make a reservation
the devil ain't gonna send you no email
send you a text the devil ain't gonna
knock on your front door tax-free dog is
going straight in his bucket man come on
walking
to your
house
walking to y'all everybody pays taxes
even that fool the devil slides
man how you be from the hood and not
know that judges don't pay taxes
you guys are more stupid than you look
oh damn man we getting the ticket on the
roads truck i told you not to park there
man
cut cut the camera can't see all this oh
okay today you're gonna have to dig deep
yoda yeah man come on with it
oh wow yeah like that come on
why did you get this from some rich
white woman don't worry about where i
got that from give me 300 for it
now that your friend is gone are you
bisexual well [ __ ] all that got the
goddamn camera
hey all that
ain't necessary uh if you can read the
sign says no parking monday through
friday eight to six nine to twelve two
to four midnight to four saturdays at
school all right go and put it on and
i'm just gonna tear it up
you gonna do what tear it up
like i said
i'm gonna
tear
it in itty-bitty tiny
pieces
oh snap i know you didn't throw that in
my face
this ain't no play thing for me oh [ __ ]
number mom
hey
what's going on here you're proud of him
sandwich man this is my block and we
don't want your kind of trouble around
here so why don't you just take it to
the hood hold it
so why don't you bite my bun
you don't want no beef with me i promise
you i get more chicks dressed like a
burger than you do as a roach
hold up
get out of here
got robbed again probably getting this
little ass whip right now by hooker
they're doing his rags in the purse
hey hey i already canceled my service no
what's up no no no no no no straight
today yes yes yes no no no no no no no
no right over here gonna take a few
minutes
don't don't spray food last time you
here you brought my father hey nobody
broke no battles man we professionals
today i hate roach stoppers
i don't know
who's so psycho
you ruined my business
[Music]
okay
[Music]
um
[Music]
everything right
i got some family in the wooptan clan
boots ain't clan ain't nothing to [ __ ]
with
i'll
you're not gonna sign up we're gonna
send the bill out to your house let me
worry about that i'm just gonna go and
head up out of here
give him the money
[Music]
i'm
[Applause]
[Music]
do i smell like i got any money
ew
we're never gonna get enough money to go
camping
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
me
[Music]
me
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
junior stop the band
y'all junior stop the van man come on it
was an accident man i'm your best friend
junior julian stop the danny gonna kill
me junior it's best friends all right
your best friend
junior what's my fault junior it's
always your fault judy ain't gonna kill
me they gonna kill you you and you're
gonna do that me julian stop the van
they're gonna kill me junior all i got
to worry about is you know renting a
tuxedo to win the funeral junior stop
playing do you
got your nice little workout there get
your ass in the truck [ __ ] where the
money is
no go you lost the money i want my phone
you lost the money which means now we in
all this trouble if i would have kept it
though
i didn't lose it you been all on my job
junior never hang out with you
i ain't done patrol
can't catch me i'm the gingerbread man
you're an [ __ ]
it's healing time
uh brother what's wrong with it i just
can't get it
man infected with devil sadness evil
racial in his head he'll
yes
thank you
hey mama
oh hey mama me boy where you been
working
and where's your shoe um they just put a
new shirt
i hope you ain't still selling them fake
george mama ain't nobody saw the fake
jordan's be good
don't you get too comfortable now i need
you to go on back there and check on
zoey she's been waiting on you all day
all right so you got your hair done huh
get on out of here
freddie if you don't get your ass out of
here anybody call it no ain't nobody
call you if you don't go i'm coming to
help you get there
now that's one crazy rest yes he how you
doing i'm doing good how are you doing
junior you're staying out of trouble you
know that all right man you keep up with
the good work okay
she's gonna smile and you're going to
win out demo don't get up out of here
well if you don't get yourself up this
broadcast to bring you a special report
listen [ __ ] just get my money
i sit
wrong uh we interrupt the reverend paid
gospel hour with a breaking story money
reigned over downtown streets today as
lucky passers-by snatched oh i sure wish
i'd been downtown today
sweetheart
why are your lips so ashy you all right
well you know mom i ain't been really
drinking a lot of water lately you know
you should never let your lips get that
ashy honey you can get sick like that
i'll get you some vaseline for your lips
okay mom all right i'm gonna get it for
you i'll be back i didn't enjoy that
talk
piano yet
how am i supposed to be alicia keys if i
can't practice
you have a keyboard look at it
did you ever see steven complaining
about his keyboard he's blind okay i'm
working on i'm gonna make it happen okay
right now you get some sleep it's late
you got school tomorrow okay daddy
you're biosexual am i what are you
bisexual do i look bisexual
a little who told you all about sexual
miss claire i did miss clara's son
bisexual i pay all that money to get
them to teach you something and she told
you i was bisexual you
i'm not i thought i'm a killer am i you
don't even know what bisexual is then
who is
i'll tell you is bisexual your uncle
junior's bisexual you need to get paid
in prayer i knew there was something
fishy about him it's a little bisexual
boy waiting to just bust out of him just
ah
okay but it's the secret between me and
you okay off the bus pin your promise
pinky promise okay give me some brown
sugar
no
okay not mild
that's not miles this is miles this is
miss
miles
missed all right you guys get some sleep
night night good night daddy
all right
i brought you in this world and i will
take you out do you hear me freddie you
got to do better than what you're doing
freddie i'm not talking i'm driving i
can't break you lost a bingo again boy
shut up why are you so angry shut up and
listen to me
you got a little girl in there that
loves you very much freddy and yes she's
my granddaughter and i don't mind taking
care of her but zoe is your
responsibility freddie not mine i'm
trying you're a smart man freddy i know
that because i raised you that way do
you hear me and now it's time for you to
make a life for you and zoey because i'm
not gonna be around here forever frank
will you talk like that stop it listen i
am serious freddie do you hear what i'm
saying i'm serious some of you ain't
press this boy i'm gonna beat you behind
me okay i'm getting old baby
now listen what you need to do
is put god first and then get your life
together do you hear me okay because i
found some bikini drawers in your
dresser with dookie stains all in like
you've been flossing your behind with
them you know what you know men don't
wear drawers like that and i'm not gonna
be washing no draws of yours that's got
doodoos things in it cause you got it
all up in your ass
if you are into something and i find out
about it freddie you know i will hurt
you i will hurt you because we don't do
that kind of stuff in this house
because i know i raised you right okay
all right all right mom let get home
craziness continues downtown and for
these ladies their cookie pushing days
are through what happened here a black
man with a roach outfit bought all our
cookies
and can you tell me what happened here
well you see it's like this i think it
was some kind of a bug mad superhero
i've seen him at night on some of these
high ranks we got my money uh sir what
is your name keflo okay and you just
caught a bunch of money out of this guy
looks like somebody had a good day okay
where did this money actually come from
a big-ass roach just ran through here
and then the money came flying out of
the roach hey no i was chilling
where do you think the roach got all
this i'm serious man i don't know maybe
it was the pimp god okay so
god and the road somehow made it rain
money you don't think the pimp god's
gonna want all this money back oh he's
sure he's just gonna get him
[ __ ] got peanuts your newfound fortune
are you gonna spend it are you gonna
keep it you're gonna save it i'm gonna
fold it like this and i'm gonna put it
in my pocket blessing from the pimp god
police remain tight-lipped about today's
alleged heist but they are telling the
public to be on the lookout for this man
who the hell is that it ain't you
call your local police department to
worry about it anyway
the uniforms got to go and don't sell me
out man no you ain't got hair like that
you need to get paid in prayer
i'm talking to you mr man
is the devil your agent
is satan your manager
is bias above your lawyer i'm talking to
you
[Music]
hello
road stoppers
[Music]
this status is right here it's just the
right place
hello mother hey
you can't say that in the church man
what's wrong with you ain't nobody
coming out
hello
[Music]
hello
you must be the men
they sent as replacements oh please
please be a mistake pastor we rope
stompers exterminated we kill bugs
i see
oh
i'm sorry
oh yeah look at the little
and the
what you laughing about
they're getting cute these days
we got a huge bug problem here we got
roaches crawling all through the aisles
and crawling up on the pool pimp trying
to sing with the choir even jumping into
the baptismal like it was a swimming
pool and holiday here scratching
scratching how how long will it take you
to get rid of them we'll be out here
half an hour 30 minutes tops times
you get some coughs here okay
thank you son
i'm gonna start working over here you
sure they want their podium that's all
the good ones you handle the podiums
yeah i got it over here i got this
online all right that was my wildest
dreams that i think i would find at
church and festival
well you know they got the holy ghost
they got the holy roach
hey man you see this road man look at
this man
that's nice i wonder if those real
sequins
try this thing on never had on real
sequence before
this roast is all over we gonna have to
really get thorough over here man y'all
gonna get third with it show me what you
got damn
show me what you got
you're gonna have to
look at that dude ready take a man roll
off man catch me with this one look at
this why look good in there look
joyful joyful nice joyful crazy
we gotta help with this drum come on
help me with this drum man look good on
me man look at this
look at this secret man
and again
why your back always do that too much
karaoke last night okay don't move stay
there i'm gonna get your hat first okay
all right it's how you was in jail give
me that soap boy hey look man this ain't
time for no jokes
put some pep in your step
[Music]
oh my heavens brother that's some
something to behold a real healing right
here in our church praise that's right
oh my god it's amazing speaking of god
oh yes we know the replacement ministers
we're a small congregation but he's full
of the spirit
that's thelma i'm louise she's evelyn
and that's dolores be careful of that
one oh she's just jealous sugar i'm
harmless oh most of the time oh
this isn't a proper welcoming pastor
we'll be back yeah we'll be back i'm not
surprised i'm getting that i'm a scorpio
with a gemini rising oh
you see that it was tripping what's
wrong with them
i forgot why
what are you doing oh no no i was like i
gotta get that robe off okay now i was
just cleaning it i was getting dr powell
no no no no no no no no no no no no no
i'm on probation
oh
betty do something get him off the mouth
okay
do something quick
ready to do something what's going on
here what did you do to the place don't
call 9-1-1 oh man this is bad you're
giving a mouth-to-mouth feel like you've
been eating
miracle web sandwiches like you got a
mouthful of mayonnaise you was in jail
you do it man you don't went to the
wiper house in the sky
we're in trouble freddie
get them out tonight
you ain't working please yourself freddy
don't you ever ask for no more sip of my
sword
one three one two three
there you go
hey what did you guys do to him anyway
nothing he started coughing and then it
was just like yeah you know what are you
even certified to do cpr
i just hope they didn't crack a sternum
yeah okay
got this chest bone hey we got to roll
anyway it's not like he's dead right
big mac and bring him back
i don't believe we've officially met
brother ephraim associate pastor here
associates yeah you know when pastor
hacker retires i'm next in line i'm the
brother that's gonna take over this
church
so why they call for replacements well
you know sometimes the church can be a
complicated place your brother's just
getting to town yeah that must have been
a long trip from new york new york we
ain't coming from new york
i'm just messing with you look we'll uh
figure all this out tomorrow okay can i
have a work with
you come on
[Music]
hey baby
[Music]
they say if he's going to be all right
is he going to be all right oh he's
getting some kind of a comarch oh
oh it's no wonder all these troubles and
all this infighting and and the builds
what really happened what did you guys
do to him vicky these young men are
ministers of god besides the paramedics
said he saved his life praise god
ministers of god
huh hmm can i have a word with you you
boys new around here uh yeah
just got to town today have i seen you
guys before you ain't never seen me know
it there are replacement ministers
that's right i heard you two ministers
saved reverend hacker's life he still
got his dna in his mouth right in there
i gave him out the mouth all right
welcome to the neighborhood inspire us
pastors yes we know what you will not
just jesus
okay
i'll be talking to you later
call me
you see her man you see that
yo i just got one question will your
lips first press with another man's lips
i understand
man i don't want to talk about it
where's the van in the van was right
here man why you lose the van
i ain't lose the van the van was right
here somebody must have stole it man it
was right here that's probably that
tickling you getting in trouble with
that's who was there lady like me man
[Applause]
sweeping lemon face fat nose and dum dum
guess what you're fired fine no more do
you work for rochester no more alibaba
we work hard for you for three years man
you know i work hard for alibaba you sit
on your ass you make out study you lie
you break things you're idiots
but they be lying about that man he's
lying you need to leave the office how
you know alibaba from backpack like baba
see everything you alibaba [ __ ] me yeah
alibaba
why don't you go eat your next big
camera [ __ ] santa what are you doing
yeah with mayo a camera
how can you do this to me
i'm sorry i'm sorry come give me
him hope you give him a hug jump back
i'm sorry hey man i'll be like that come
on it's okay we're family we family
[Applause]
oh [ __ ]
right now we're gonna be here five
minutes okay i got a place to go people
to see things to do maybe
what's
in that karate movie jackie chan jet
league bruce lee you got five minutes
you gotta get up out of here okay five
minutes
what'd you say about my mama
wait
here
i thought you said
welcome to karate world hey
am han
with toshiba a harold's first daughter
we've been expecting you well my name is
julia i'm my mother's first son and i've
been expecting you all my life
your dancing where's the poland mr
junior
do i look like i am nothing
[Music]
there's no time for joke my father's
wicked
ain't nobody taking the clothes off okay
i'm tripping man anybody tell you
nothing nothing
took your clothes off
look mama
me too
you don't want to mess with this
come with me
hurry up hey man what's up with the
drones you got on man
bisexual not everybody said manny's
bikini bridge man why y'all do this to
us
why are we in our draw
okay
you about kids you two black birds are
flying mess
you disappointed us what
do you know why you're here
no no are you eating it
see i told you look look it's one of
them
what the hell is that
it's a fly
this must be the ugliest [ __ ]
ever seen in my life
[Applause]
you'll go down
hey man why are we in our drones what's
this all about buckinghamshire
okay what can i hey man it's a real nice
place man you hooked this place up man
like the lights right there that's hot
right there you get the little rick
james
an overturned nest produces many cracked
eggs but the squirrel was eat the
dandelion what's that recipe or
something
do you know
who we are
a group of hair
stylists do you know who we are cat
williams daddy
do you know who we are
a gay wizard
it is better to be a chicken's head than
an ox's rump
white the bumblebee swims at night
you boys
owe me a lot of money what money we
don't got no money this one when even
faced with danger he continues to lie
in the japanese culture
you steal from one store you steal from
all my stores
we have you on the camera camera my idea
new generation
you owe me
ten thousand big one
ten thousand big oh come on man it
wasn't what's new
show them what we do
liars
what you mean
[Applause]
i ain't thinking money
you know y'all got small eyes somebody
looks just like oh we all looking like
we all look alike
you have a seven days
to return my money seven
roots then we do the final bro
if not two black birds full from sky hit
the rock and end their journey don't
forget
we know where you are
[Laughter]
[Music]
yeah you better back up when you get
smacked up
man what the hell you gonna got me into
now i'm on probation freddy that ain't
my fault and they came and got both of
us man
you and me if we both got the money and
kept the money
both of us would have spent the money
ten thousand dollars
you ain't got ten thousand dollars
i ain't got ten thousand dollars
we in trouble it's your fault
you know what you deserve right now a
ten thousand dollar ass whipping these
people gonna kill us man that ain't
gonna kill us man go on man get out my
face man
you
you really mad at me man i am really mad
and if i wasn't on probation hey trust
me they be pulling me off you right now
so get this step
you feeling progress julian
the leap junior step up julian there's
some of this junior i'll be waiting for
you to give an invitation to smack this
blackness losing the dojo and jed lee
was smacking your husband's sticks you
didn't say a damn thing junior you ain't
saying now you the [ __ ] just dripped
out your bloodstream you didn't say
nothing
hey man time out time out you got what
they call the short memory you can't
beat me
remember
get your ass up
that's it like manchester united
i got it
we're going back to church
remember the church they thought we were
preachers
crazy man we're not preaching tomorrow's
gonna be 200 people in the church
waiting to hear us preach waiting to
give us their money man church is the
world's greatest hustle
if that fool give my mom to 50 every
month we can counter church once
come on some churches make thousands of
dollars every sunday
hey you got a suit yeah i got a suit but
that's all you need
you're playing better work
yeah work
did it work man better work
bust your ass down wait
the white man
come on man
[Music]
hi pastor good morning sister good
morning
what is that your prom suit what you
talking about it's a throwback
it's tight cause it's couture diddy got
the same jacket look i want to apologize
for yesterday we weren't properly
introduced i'm nikki stevens
you are a pastor
pastor don cornelius but people call me
freddy don cornelius like the soul train
dude
or freddie i came a little bit early to
show you around in the mornings i
usually unlock and the office is back
there
and today's reading is on ezekiel 37 you
know the one about god's promise to
restore his people
like dry bones coming to life you might
want to throw that in your sermon
ezekiel yes the guy who works down at
the car wash charge of the detailing
down on um
you don't mean ezekiel do you you
talking about something different yeah
the one in the bible
ezekiel oh
you mean ezekiel it's pronounced ezekiel
because the e is has the accent over it
is he killed
are you really a minister ordained
i went to school down in uh mississippi
great baptist
university of moses
i've never heard of that one it's real
small though i see
brother ephraim have you met pastor
cornelius good morning brother
good morning
cornelius
yeah you look like you would know the
latest dance steps we met yesterday with
pastor hacker and the deacon where is he
deacon
oh oh
deacon jones yeah he's running a little
bit late this morning he was up on that
long praying
you know god is like a crack house
always open all right
[Applause]
[Music]
let me spend one time
[Music]
[ __ ] you said wear a suit right this is
a suit excuse me just give me a second i
gotta go meet with my disciples
i'm not gonna be getting embarrassed
about you okay listen don't you push me
back here
what was that
i
don't know
you look very pretty today nikki no i
take that back
you are looking beautiful today
thanks ephraim
i won't be acting like that when i take
over this church what'd you say
remember to be blessed one must first be
a blessing
man what is wrong with you
what are you supposed to be what do you
mean b huh this is flat okay me
i'm looking like a black don johnson got
a problem with that that's exactly right
junior and miami bike's been off the air
for 25 years i ain't come here for that
okay
go out there and preach
get that money we're gonna go back pay
these people and go home okay that's it
that's the plan
what's it look like
we good oh yeah we gonna be rolling in
it rolling getting ready today
let
[Music]
but i need to take them shopping you
sure do amen hey man come on mm-hmm is
pastor hacker dead
no fool these are the replacement
ministers i'm just asking you are you
always getting it if you don't shut up
if i didn't need this welfare money i
swear i kill you i said can i get an
amen amen
that's better come on let me hear you i
mean come on this is the church
that pants is way too tight
church full up with love love's just
floating all around i see an imprint of
his balls
baby i think that was for me to say i
don't think you're supposed to be
looking at balls like turn to your
neighbor give him a hug
now turn and do the same thing to your
other neighbor
now i want everybody in the church to
say
dickens jones suit is the defecation
huh what looks like a temptation suit
the defecation
is he a pimp
well without further ado
i'm gonna bring on brother
[Applause]
praise the lord church hey praise the
lord this week is a special week in the
church giving that next week is easter
sunday and you can purchase lilies for
the altar through our beautiful
decorating committee and a prayer group
for pastor hacker will be meeting after
the service now i was all set to give
the word today
i said i was all set to give the word
today ah come on ethan sit on down and
bring the new ministers out who wants to
hear the word today
somebody anybody everybody want to hear
the word today this ain't stomp the yard
stop holding off the stage
okay if that's how you feel
it is my pleasure
to introduce
pastor don cornelius come on up brother
then he needed a sandwich morning
congregation
you look lovely yes
they call me reverend pastor doctor good
god
good guy good god
they both got a lot of teeth coming
filled with the holy spirit
can you hear it amen
amen
we're gonna talk about jesus you sipping
comey snitching go on preacher
i'm gonna talk about bobby and witness
her ball head and britney oh here i'm
gonna talk about barack obama
and your baby's mama should have used
the kind of date vegan safe
what is this reverend run dmc i don't
know what you've heard but this is how
we preach the world
i like your style you all out there
misbehaving but in this church you'll
find you're saving
me lunch preacher it's good because god
spoke to me
he spoke to me
what'd he say
he said today is your day your day your
day and your day your day and your day
that's how revenue hey dude so let me
ask you a question
what do you do for the church
yeah you right here really
oh um well i want to cook for the church
but pastor hacker he said the
congregation is too small and but i can
cook anything she get cooked
fried chicken candy yams greens
um
i can cook anything you like
especially for him
i'm miss tanya
i like that soup they're dicky jones
give that dog a bone
and what about you brother and the
fatherelli jacket her name's derek i got
some musical abilities hmm let's face it
man this band sucks no offense guys but
i mean you know with a little re-effort
we could really drop it like it's hot in
here can you rev it for the reverend i
can rev it can you
[Music]
i can rev it for the rest and what about
you junior jamie on any given sunday can
you bring it good goobily goo you gonna
make it do what it do huh
evil jamie
it may be time to take an offer yeah all
right you gonna reach for me truthful
and multiply
for me sorry i don't have any money um
maybe next reach deep
but don't be cheap
i got something big for the church reach
deep that's the answer don't beat me
got something for the church go and put
the money
put the money in the basket
there you go so thank you that's the
conclusion of our service and i've given
you the holy spirit and i was glad you
was here to hear it and i'd like to take
a moment for a past the hacker i'm over
the silence
that's enough
everybody gather
round that's what i tell you
you're like a tall glass of water and
i'm thirsty you did a wonderful job up
there today and you went to next week
easter a lot of people gonna be here to
hear you preach we gonna raise ten
thousand dollars in seven days
i know i've only been here four weeks
and y'all thinking he's crazy
well i am crazy
crazy for the lord
we gonna fix the ceiling yes paint the
pews
lighting deegan jones
that's just what i'm just playing now
you know so we're gonna return here
tomorrow night each and every one of you
with five to ten people all right
for a special night of healing wait a
minute
you gonna heal someone that's right
little brother we're gonna heal someone
tomorrow
[Music]
i've night around a long time ain't
never heard no preaching like that i
want to join the church i want to belong
name's ben
welcome brother benny
let the church say amen
what's all this talking about healing
somebody man we can't heal nobody
just come to the back come on you trippy
just come on to the back
you got some water to cool me up cause
i'm on fire look this stuff went too far
i mean we ought to be thinking about
trying to get out of here you talking
about coming back tomorrow man will you
just chill out where's the money we
collected today we gave it all to that
nicki woman it's about 150. that's it
that's what i'm trying to tell you
stupid today was only the first day and
next sunday well next sunday is easter
we gonna be rolling in the dough baby
apparently there have been several of
our vip memberships
bootleg and nature
that were purchased online
uh these are platinum memberships
so y'all six in the front row gonna have
to vacate immediately okay please don't
please don't cause a fuss
[Music]
let me guess where the devil is
all i could think about ever since you
put out the building fun challenge is
all the stuff that the church needs you
know like new song books half the robes
or moth eaten in the kitchen the
refrigerator and the stove don't work
damn
i'm sorry sister
y'all don't need jesus y'all need a
genie
what
you're just so different they're
different like how like kind of well i
mean you're funny you know and you're
loose and most pastors are uptight
stuffy kinda like brother ephraim enough
about him that guy right there he oh oh
it's just a little easy fly
bugs i used to do with bugs back in the
day long story
so everything okay over here fantastic
and sensational thank you very much i'd
like to see you on sunday system
okay
so why don't you tell me a little bit
about yourself what did you do before
this where's your family i mean who are
you
i used to be in sales
and then my family moved to jerusalem
family
so there's a mrs cornelius no there's a
daughter a daughter she's with my mama
right now
and her mother and please don't tell me
she's dead she is dead
cancer
but
it was a long time ago we're over it now
it's just
me and my little girl now
so um what's your daughter like my
daughter like any other crazy kid always
hitting me up for stuff like
right now she wants a piano she wants to
be alicia keys i told you you can't beat
janet and janet just be popping out i
don't want you popping out till you're
35 jesus don't like him out so alicia
keys is what we ended up with no it's a
shame she's not with you because we have
a piano and i'm sure she'd love it i'm
just not sure you guys would love her
playing
so uh
let's get back to the list if you could
have one thing on the list what would it
be one thing one thing but anything
that's hard it's your list
okay i got it maybe you should talk to
your voice
[Laughter]
what the hell is going on here we got
the one for ass that's what's
i do so maddie jane price i've been
knowing her for years so maybe why don't
i just give her a call and let her know
what the hell's going on here
and who out here has a guy she ain't
gonna call nobody excuse me you don't
even live around here you need to shut
your mouth when grown folks are talking
and don't bring it back around here
during this place no more
and you stop fighting in front of my
plate you understand that
can i talk to you get your hands off me
what you're out here fighting for anyway
she thinks i want her boyfriend when he
be the one calling me all the time
listen nobody wants you honey we're just
trying to help you one of those girls
had a gun you're gonna get yourself
killed out here what's it to you little
girl you got a big ass mouth
who are y'all anyway some kind of police
or teen workers or something she ran you
stimpy what are you saying no
we're just regular people from new birth
baptist church people
it figures like you know my [ __ ] right
sweetheart i've been where you're at and
back with my sister so save your lecture
you need to come to church and take a
break from hanging with these kids maybe
i'll think about it well you better
think about it fast when these girls
group your ass don't you don't like
skating i'm sorry lord jesus forgive me
i wasn't thinking i was just sinking
what kind of church people are y'all
what's your name anyway little bitty
none of your business
new birth baptist church right down the
street
i'll see you sunday and no more fighting
tiny tyson
pastor
i'm a little concerned about your
behavior tiny tyson and i'm gonna whip
your
ass
jesus will forgive me ain't no doubt
about it god will allow it
okay are you thieving backsliding
that
[Music]
hey baby doll missed you
you're in trouble what i was really mad
at you
[Applause]
have you lost your mind
some asian people came here looking for
you this afternoon what you heard what i
said i said some asian people came here
looking for you now don't you play no
games with me freddie you got some
explaining to do mama what are you
freddie honey tell me what have you
gotten yourself into now huh uh oh
that's hon on them you remember hon we
went to high school to get a little hob
like this big uh huh got this video
stored now right and i had rented some
karate videos they must want to back
that's all it is little problem right
now but it didn't look like a little
problem to me freddy and it happened of
all days today sunday the lord's day
freddie mom i got out of control i know
you don't know listen here freddy
solve your problems or you get out
okay and don't think i don't know about
you losing your job down there bug
stoppers it's rope stompers wait a
minute
and another thing
are you bisexual no i'm not bisexual why
are you saying bisexual because miss
clara down that zoe's school told me
that you bisexual she said you came down
there and he's eating anybody little
shorts short short shorts all up in your
behind she said don't nobody wear that
kind of stuff but bisexual man now you
know freddie we don't deal with that
kind of stuff around here you hear me
i'm metrosexual what metrosexual they're
just mad cause i can wear mediums yeah
look kanye west metrosexual puffy
metrosexual russell simmons natural sex
what i got your metrosexual here
don't play with me boy
don't play with me coming up in here
with that kind of food
what do you think pastor surprise is
thelma hard to say sister i really have
no idea
it ain't nothing this is a trick to get
us here on a monday night probably right
right you know what baby you need to
have a little faith yeah right ma like
church has ever did anything for me he
messing with my halo minutes now you
need to hush up i'll knock your teeth in
the back of your mouth
[Applause]
what's up y'all what's up
money under this stuff we're back deacon
jones and i as i promised we would be
here to do a healing
i don't believe you believe me i said
tonight somebody is gonna get heat
[Applause]
this church has the spirit and i can
feel it yeah
that's all i promise you this by easter
sunday you'll witness three miracles
god is good
god is dance
and so with that i need a volunteer from
the audience right over here
right here
right here you in the back
me yes you brother what's your name hey
i'm sorry speaker but i couldn't hear
your name brother frank
come up here brother come on up here
what did you fast
i told you i got gas
jesus
what's your story brother
i see that's incredible this is
incredible ladies and gentlemen this
man's name is frank
now frank had his vocal cords severed by
alligator on a vacation to florida in
2004. oh my god that's worse he walks
like this all bent over because the
gator got a piece of his tailbone
and his leg is messed up
but god is good and he's feeling like
doing the healing
over three nights tonight wednesday and
friday we're gonna heal this man but
tonight he's gonna sing
do you believe frank
how's that frank do you believe
you're gonna sense me up deacon jackson
if i can have you up here come up here
brother
now hold on to him now grab him in the
bed hug brother and don't let go cause
letting go is like letting go of god
[Music]
circle here he goes strike are you
straight fight himself
take out the demon shot baby t
baby
i said how you feeling frank i feel like
singing
[Applause]
because
[Music]
i'm happy
because
[Music]
be sure to join deacon jones and myself
back here wednesday night bring your
friends and your family for another
great feeling of spiritual healing
that's wednesday night i'll see you then
[Applause]
hi this is brother ephraim from bethel
yeah this is the council office right
i'd like to check on two replacement
ministers you sent us
cornelius
yes like soul train
and jones
come on man that healing stuff ain't
gonna work again man we raised 1300 last
night yeah
last night you don't know people love
healing hey hey hey pastor
hey deacon no sister god bless you i
mean bless you oh grace praise the lord
look at you she's looking like a little
dark-skinned gingerbread man
it kept me in a little too long uh
pastor i've been thinking and thinking
and i came up with an idea straight from
heaven above what if it's from heaven's
sister then it must be good oh yes raise
him crazy praise him back in the day my
grandmother used to cook for everybody
and so i love to cook and and do you
love to eat well i love to eat you love
to eat okay oh yeah you like breast meat
well i love richmond
smother grass smell the grass oh yes
just put a little gravy on it look grab
it
oh my goodness what about me
i love that i like that i mean i lick
them first then i eat
who praise the lord what we can do is
have a friday or saturday night cooking
thing and that would encourage people to
come back on sunday so what do you need
from me i just need your blessing well
you got that sister oh thank you whoo i
feel it
i got my nipples here you know one more
thing the after school program after
school
yes yes i've been taking care of it me
and the other girls and we just need a
man to help us and my son dee needs a
father i mean a father figure so they'll
be here today at three day three today
at three
you can handle that can't you
yeah
very funny
today's topic
is lying
any lies out there everybody lies
sometimes do you lie do i lie
oh no oh deacon jones and i love being
here too bro i can see you very
influenced by that singer chris brown
but you can't sing you can't dance you
can't dress and you don't wear deodorant
lords don't like lies there's only two
lives that you could tell and be
forgiven for the first one
is it let's say you've been
chased by asian gang
let's remember now the asians created
dynamite and karate which means that if
they're chasing you they're gonna mess
you up
the other situation is if you're what
they call a kleptomaniac
the lords forgive them because they
can't help themselves do you know any
kleptomaniacs
call snapped
i'm a deacon what kind of deacon are you
i'm a dick in with attitude okay
god wants you
to be prosperous and in your prosperity
kick us down some
for each 1 000
tax deductible donation to our
institution you get back five thousand
dollars in prayer
god bless you
yeah
i wanted to be smooth as a baby's butt
you got me old man you got your big
fella you knew an area huh oh you got
some
good hair you might have a little indian
in you let me fluff it up a little bit
this boy
what tribe you from the ball hit a trap
thank you for coming pastor my chichi's
been missing for days
what's that my dog
yeah i'm just in the
i see ugliness
and as we know praise god
ugly take a look at this yourself
you see that beast of me
yes yes praise god
deacon you've heard of david and goliath
oh yes brother well i'm not gonna try
this out why don't we get you another
dog
[Music]
oh man i'm not playing with it
yeah i'm sorry big [ __ ]
you mind if we have a word with you sir
pd
police pet detectives i'm officer
fetchams this is officer k-9
yeah we got border and possession of a
stolen dog who says i'm
you going down
watch what you say big fella remember
what happened to michael vick
no more touchdowns
i ain't stole no dog oh you stole it
this is my dog man i got a dog's little
glittery collar that ain't your dog
what's his name
clean axe for your hero's man what's the
dog name
fight me you slapped me that ball's in
you i'm sorry [ __ ]
booty that's a dumb dog hey you think
i'm playing with you ouch i'm sorry man
you coming in i would choke you out
calling me right now come on
come on
hello yeah we found a purple pooch oh
yeah we found a dog too
it's like a dusty tarantula ain't trying
to keep your eyes in his eye look like
it's reaching for something
we talking about your ab what nobody
talks about my eyes yeah we talking
about you
you think cause you got a big ass head
wide neck that we supposed to be
intimidated
let me tell you something play out no
you stole it see we know that's miss
evelyn though okay
you stole it she sent this over here to
get it back
oh
yeah
we didn't done it now come boys
[Applause]
oh
do you love love love the lord because
he love love loves you and he can change
your life like
magic
shabbat
okay now i brought y'all here to get
y'all in shape y'all soldiers in god's
army okay
let's go here we go
[Music]
jones and did his homework okay now
we're going to see how good y'all know
your stuff
you can jones i got a question to ask
but i don't want to get in trouble
is pastor bisexual
because everybody keeps saying that
there you say something
[Music]
[Applause]
and what they call a mighty day hero you
know what i mean
oh you touching me
oh
that's oh
jesus okay that's better sam that's
right just feel that beat feel that beat
i know the beat when i hear it
well when's you're gonna hear it
can i help you just looking for the
pastor he's not here right now he'll be
back soon though you can sit and wait
you don't know what you're doing
and you ain't hearing black
someone funny
y'all sound horrible
let's try this one more time okay guys
one
two
one two three go in
[Music]
hey where's frankie at
oh no man he should have been here by
now there's at least 200 people out
there waiting for the healing people
expecting the show we got to give it to
him i said he's going to be he's going
to be here okay she's a girl there she's
been here before now
frank's not here it's over he might as
well leave right now
frank can't make it tonight he kind of
just wanted to rehab cinder yeah
well anyway seeing this change of
circumstances i volunteered myself to be
healed and you don't need to be healed
yeah dude look at my leg
did you hear that hey everybody we're
gonna heal benny no no no no no no no
no look at the man there
it gives me so much pain
wearing clogs back in the 60s
you can do it revenue you got the power
heels thank you frankie why can't you
hear me
come on come on
benny
we all know god loves you
i love you
they love you [ __ ]
[Applause]
you're one of god's greatest works
i'm gonna call god i'm calling you god
don't check the caller id it's just me
trying to help benny
you
ready heal
[Music]
feel better
what you don't need
[Applause]
very entertaining show pastor you like
that huh too bad both of you are fakes
what i know what you're doing you're
bamboozling to people you're leading
them astray you're tying them to
balloons and letting them go i'm
watching you i'm watching both of you
do you trust me
when i'm out here
[Music]
hello i'm reverend
please join us in our annual couples
only counseling cruise this year we've
got a bigger boat and a better cook no
more food poisoning
and i'm ready to get my hands dirty god
wants you
and your beloved to be blessed remember
it's aaron eve not adam and steve
[Laughter]
bethel
yes this is brother ephron
wait say that again
thank you
roach stompers
okay
you want to play
we'll play
pastor
hey miss ty what's up girl you doing
good
good to see you always a pleasure you're
doing such a good job thank you so much
i'm doing great i've got it right here
for you
just a lot of work around this area for
roaches
yeah
i appreciate it
so lucky you got to go now i'm going to
talk to you soon no no
freddie i
wha yo what's up man
this dude i've been telling you about
right here oh man i heard so much about
you like a rope stopping guru what's up
man how you holding up man since she
lost her job and everything
bring that down and you talk to your
brother
did you when junior steal some money so
nothing it's cool you know but you look
good man the suit dressed down that's
crazy cause you know i just i'm so used
to you wearing that bug outfit this dude
was so dedicated he used to sleep in
that uniform oh hey tell him about the
time with them girls
ran that damn track on them hoes
okay next stop monkey bail pass all
right
oh wait oh roach stopper
okay we're on the corner man all right
bye yo we got to get out of here man we
gotta kill some more roaches you know
about that right
you changed
you you really changed you know what
let's go like this dude is so hollywood
oh you know what i'm saying like you got
a suit on with no job you just got back
i don't know what you might have gotta
feed him
mm-hmm
uh-huh no no no oh pastor right
now i don't know what all that was about
a little amtrak train i don't know
doesn't your little boyfriends or
nothing i did that
i know how things go
all right sometimes life puts us in a
situation that we can't get out of
that no no
but i like you pastor
don't disappoint me
i got my eye on you
when
okay
how you doing boy i see you got the
little steve harvey hair line going yeah
big ben is bad baby yeah a reverend
that's a big crowd out there you know
eastern though good crowd yeah see you
later go on here with your bad self all
right take care buddy reverend
a lot of people are dependent on you
guys um doing a great thing here
and thank you for giving me this chance
no really thank you
that's the last time okay
the last time now what you're talking
about this is that man believes in you
man that man ain't believing this is the
last time all right get serious i'm
sorry i'm serious we're ready ready
let's go stop showing you're too damn
serious that's who's
yeah serious a nice crowd right there
boy
he's sneaky
come on come on
okay wait i got something to tell you
okay
probably don't get mad what you gonna do
now okay look
miss tanya know about us you know about
you and she know about me
she's she know we not uh she know you're
not a deacon she's no i'm not a preacher
you know we used to work at roach
stoppers she know everything it's not my
fault it's not my it's not my fault
junior's not sure
okay that's first of all shut up okay
second of all i want you to know
something i like miss time okay she like
me things was going real smooth but
that's besides the point we got a much
bigger problem a much bigger problem is
this gang after us they beat us with
bamboo sticks remember
now it's 8 000 out there and you got to
get it okay cause you said you had the
plan and what did i tell you i was gonna
do if the plan didn't work
nah nah i'm gonna bust your ass and
ain't gonna be a ten thousand dollar ass
because that was seven days ago now we
got compounded interest
that's ten thousand with seven days of
interest that adds up to
a big ass whipping come on i don't even
know if you got enough ass to pay that
deal okay let's get out of here and get
this money right i'm gonna come right
behind you okay right after you okay
let's do
[Music]
[Applause]
i it right behind you again
[Applause]
[Music]
we gotta eat hey daddy
brothers and sisters what an amazing
week
amazing thanks
but i stand before you hummus
all right
see i i messed up this week
yesterday screwed up bad
bad
[Music]
never meant to hurt nobody never met
but i got to come clean
you see
i ain't a preacher
[Music]
oh my
lord i told you that phonies she ain't
your baby
this whole thing was a hustle
because i owed
the karate kids some money
but what i really want to say is
you're all good people and i never set
out to hurt anyone
i did lie but it all sort of just
happened
you see this money dropped and then
there was this chase and then we were
mistaken for replacement ministers here
at the church and
then i fell in love with this beautiful
woman
a woman i could never in this life hope
to deserve
we bug exterminators
rope stomp
[Applause]
you standing on
y'all missing the big picture okay cause
think about it
even though
freddie wasn't no real minister
he was a pretty good one
he is all right
hey
what about the clothes classic huh
re-office
ms evans you got a dog back
i know that cause i got knocked out yet
that man did knock him out
daddy you got a whole new ministry
[Applause]
and benny
benny was healed
oh yeah a lot of good things
have taken place in this church this
week
and lo and behold
pastor freddie's
greatest work
me
cause what y'all looking at right now
is it diagnosed kleptomaniac
see but after getting knocked out cold
after getting big bamboo sticks all
about the head face and neck
sad that would never steal again
that's all because of pastor
can i get an amen
and the closing i just like to say uh
y'all should think positively
it wasn't for pastor freddie
junior
been on robbed all y'all about four five
times bro
excuse me young man
i think i have a right
to say something here
[Applause]
this here is my church
and young freddie has said that he
admits
to hustling us
well i won't have it
[Applause]
i think you two have it
all wrong
the both of them
i hear what you're saying junior about
good deeds
and i agree with you
but what i can't agree with is the
contention
that freddie
hustled us
[Laughter]
you think you hustled these people
well i thank god hustled you
hustled you into holding my church down
until i could return
look at all the good you think you did
that on your own that was god's work
when god speaks to you
like that directly son
you must
listen
[Applause]
i'm next in line you were supposed to
hack your way all the way to the
hospital for the last time you're
supposed to be dead oh and you you're
fake done cornelius soul trained dancing
pot locking and you ain't nothing but a
wolf and pimp's clothing and all you're
his hoes
[Applause]
and you i was gonna make you the future
mrs ephraim hey look at here i know you
better get on at this church if i put a
weapon on you what i'll give you a front
row seat
you ain't
yeah friend
you have raised eight of the ten
thousand dollars you need is that
correct that's correct well i think
congregation
we have to help them out
i think we should make a collection
the church is supposed to help souls in
trouble
and we have to help out young freddie
because he held this church down
for the past week now we got to help him
in this trouble uh uh music
where is my money
he got it
he got
i think it's time for
[Applause]
move a little faster
now get out of my church
that's right get your ass
can you have some music
my pleasure rev
should we go baby come on
[Applause]
[Music]
they really stood up for us nobody ever
did that for me before we got to change
man
[Music]
you got to stop stealing that's what it
is
yeah
and be nice
yeah you like the black grinch you need
to be nice now
[Music]
you take everything like the grinch
don't give it back i borrow my stuff
all my stuff makes it to the pawn shop
and somebody else gets it so really i'm
giving it back okay kind of like robin
hood
that's my part you know
and
you're gonna have a real hard problem
because
your problem is that you're dumb
so i don't see how you can change that i
mean he was born like that right
i mean i would think that anybody that's
dumb
it's not really their fault
but god likes me when he likes you
because he made me lighter
all right see i got a white you don't
black
not by accident it's god
well maybe it's time that you got
said
out your life
join me reverend page in my house of
worship five services every sunday we
have a three-tiered membership plan 500
1500 and our gold membership two
thousand
dollars come on relax relax relax relax
work on your breathing [ __ ] when you're
breathing you ain't got your pacifier
with you slow down breathe breathe
pretend you light skin when you light
skin
i don't like those
bring it bring it
you guys see a girl dressed as a
cheeseburger come by here
get out of here
and sat on the toilet for about 10 days
get that stuff out of my body now what
y'all doing these trench coats on what
is this it's too hot outside trench
coats and gym shoes
look at you what's wrong with you you
ever seen that man before what man
oh i ain't never seen ain't no dogs
allowed in here
what's yours y'all from
y'all down the street you know what down
the street around the corner down the
street i ain't seen no church member
with some gym shoes going into the
trench coat what kind of church you
gonna church the new church of trench
coats and jim jews and a handbag
over there pretend like pet detectives
get the dog back just go along with it
just play easy and go along with we got
this get
camera
maybe you need to get saved
don't disappoint me
all of you
[Laughter]
[Music]
bring
[Music]
i'm so damn sweet
[Music]
you wanna know
[Music]
me
[Music]
i felt like this the way i'm feeling
right now
[Music]
you're screaming for me
[Music]
i know that you want
is
[Music]
baby
[Music]
what is mine
[Music]
oh
[Music]
oh
[Music]
you