it's been a little while since I told
the story so I figured it was about time
that I sit you all down by the campfire
and put some fear in your boners I'm
gonna tell you a really recent story
something that I think everyone can take
a lesson away from and use it in their
everyday lives
so before I really dig into the meat of
this I want to preface this by saying I
have not pissed my pants in a very long
time now that that's off the table let's
get into what the story is about as
you've probably surmised from that intro
it's about pee peeing in the pants it's
about a time where I flirted with that
devil and this all takes place in the
mythical year of 2019 ad on October 4th
it was literally six days ago as of
recording this video it was right before
going to happy hour and if you watch my
streams at twitch.tv slash Moyes
critical you know that the streams are
[ __ ] bangers and that I also pee a
lot I drink a lot of water which means
I'm constantly expelling a lot of urine
from my body at jet stream like pace I
really [ __ ] pressure wash my toilet
when I get in there to do that business
so if urinating is considered a game of
chess then I'm the goddamn Grandmaster
now this was right before going to happy
hour I just got an all dressed up and
spruced up ready for action and we
needed to pick my friends up before
going to the bars we were going to but
before going I had the little inkling of
a pee-pee coming on it was still brewing
but it hadn't matured yet so I figured
there really wasn't any point to doing
that the bars weren't far my friends
weren't far I just hold until I got
there and then just do my business out
there in public just kind of do assert
my dominance like hey I'm not afraid to
mark a urinal with my seal of approval
I'm not afraid to stamp this with my
penis juice so I just wanted to wait I
didn't see the point in going before
heading over that being said on the
journey to my friend's place it was
still very tame very manageable barely
even noticed it got to my friends place
didn't notice it the second they got in
my cars like they unleashed the piss
demon all of a sudden all at once it hit
me like a [ __ ] brick like a train had
left the station a bullet train and it
was hitting my bladder
there was no putting this genie back in
the bottle I was going to tinkle it was
just a matter of where and my nice
trousers in a dirty bathroom somewhere
on the way or on the side of the road
the last to option
weren't exactly options because to get
to the bar you had to go over this
pretty long bridge and there was no way
I was gonna be able to hold it through
the duration of the bridge so I'd be
just trapped like a prisoner in its cell
in the car just urinating all over my
friends or I'd have to hold it and
literally cork my [ __ ] and I'd probably
[ __ ] drown internally with urine
pouring out of my mouth like I just
swallowed a cyanide capsule of urine it
was just a nightmarish situation because
I really had to go so I informed Tiana
who is now driving and I told my friends
look I'm sorry to be an inconvenience
but we got to pull over somewhere to go
to the bathroom because I'm going to
literally ruin our happy hour and turn
it into the not so happy hour by coating
this entire car in piss so they
understood but the problem was there
really wasn't any where to stop
there was no real gas stations on the
way to the bridge so we'd have to go out
of our way to find one for me and my
friends didn't really want to do that so
they're trying to encourage me to just
go piss somewhere next to a dumpster
around some of the dilapidated buildings
because the area on the way to the bar
looks like it's been hit by a nuclear
missile but I didn't want to take that
chance because a friend of mine got put
on the sex offenders registry for public
urination
he got caught while peeing next to a
building or on the side of a building
and I just didn't want to roll those
dice at all I bet if I just went down to
take a piss by a building a [ __ ] cop
would have popped out of a bush in a
ghillie suit and said gotcha on me I
didn't want to you know risk that at all
I dropped trou for one second just unzip
and all of a sudden a police car [ __ ]
drift in sideways just sirens blaring
and then take me down just for publicly
urination then all of a sudden bang I'm
a sex offender I just didn't want to
risk that at all I didn't want to take
that chance at all so that was not an
option for me we were gonna go out of
our way to one of the gas stations that
I knew of it wasn't that far out of the
way so it wasn't a huge inconvenience
but I still felt bad
unfortunately the gas stations were of
no help and also the gas stations look
like something straight out of the
fallout universe as well but the first
gas station we go to everything looks
okay there's a bathroom there which is a
plus it's one of the bathrooms that's on
the outside so you need a key to get
into it
so all confidently well I'm like
basically grabbing my [ __ ] just trying
to keep everything where it needs to be
before I explode with urine I go in
there waddling in and I say to the guy
hey look I've gotta use your
[ __ ] er can I get the key to that bad
boy and he's not all there he sounds
like he's one xanax bar away from just
total overdose and collapse so I
couldn't understand most of the words he
said but he kept mumbling about the
hotdog man I didn't know what that meant
I thought it was making like idle
conversation maybe there was a hot dog
hot dog vendor outside but he wanted me
to go by from before he gave me the key
I didn't know so I asked him what are
you talking about the hot dog man who
was a hot dog man I love hot dogs even
though I [ __ ] hate hot dogs there's
anything to get that [ __ ] key felt
like it was a mission in a video game
that I needed to get that key to
complete the quest but so I'm making the
small talk and his answers make no sense
to me is like no bathroom hotdog man so
then I'm starting to connect these dots
in my head okay so the hotdog man no
bathroom hotdog man must have gone in
there wreaked havoc he must have just
[ __ ] tore that [ __ ] down and lit it
on fire with an explosion from his ass
or something this bathroom is
decommissioned is what you're telling me
right you know bathroom is not working
because the hotdog man he just shakes
his head no hotdog man I felt like I was
on a goddamn horror movie as if like the
hotdog man was terrorizing this area
like the [ __ ] Slender Man I didn't
know what he was talking about the
hotdog man all I knew is I was not
getting that key from him so I walked
out all disappointed cuz I knew I wasn't
getting the key and it's all because of
this menace the hotdog man who I've
never even [ __ ] heard of in fairy
tales so I had to waddle back to the car
disappointedly and even in more and more
of a rush the sense of urgency was
overwhelming thought like the entire
universe was collapsing inside on me
also as a aside there was no hot dog
vendor outside there wasn't even the
remnants of what could have been a hot
dog vendor at any point in time so I
don't know who the [ __ ] this hotdog man
is but anyway we go up another maybe
mile up the road where I know another
gas station is and it's just as decrepit
and this was as this one and this one
was like a goddamn orgy of weirdos there
was one guy who I am a hundred percent
sure was on spice because he was just
[ __ ] fumbling around luckily he had
hit just enough spice so he wasn't
totally nude and dragging his dick on
the floor but he was at that level of
spice where he can't really stand up
properly and he has a football that he's
throwing against the wall and hitting
himself with in the face off the rebound
so that's the kind of place we were at
looking for this bathroom and I knew I
was gonna be gross in a bit of a
germaphobe but I was thrown that aside
because I needed to be strong because I
didn't want to piss myself because I
hadn't pissed myself and at least a long
time I don't know
I think of like an exact time I pissed
myself but it's been a long [ __ ] time
I have a pretty clean streak there and I
wasn't about to have that collapse on
this night so we get to this disgusting
gas station and it's another one with
the bathrooms on the outside so I need
to go in and get the key to get the keys
there's a guy in there playing the
lottery and he's taking a long time
scratching it off that's fine that's not
his fault he doesn't know that I'm about
to explode behind him like an AED of
urine so I'm not mad at him at all he
was none the wiser not his fault or
anything when he's finally done I go up
to the counter I said hey man can I get
the keys to that turbo [ __ ] I gotta
go do some business over there super
cool about it gives me the keys and I'm
on my way the guy who's throwing the
football now fixates his eyes on me and
he wants to get me involved in his game
I can tell because while he couldn't
really get the words out properly he was
making motions like I'm gonna hit you
with this spiral real quick Tom Brady
style and I just you know I'm putting my
hands up like please no thank you you
know politely I've got to use the
restroom finally get around the corner
to where the bathrooms are on the side
of the place there's a man asleep on the
curb in front of the bathrooms I don't
know if he was passed out or just really
tired maybe at one point he was the gate
guardian of the bathrooms but now that
he found bath salts now he just sleeps
there I really don't know but you know I
go not over him because I was already on
the side I go around him and then I
finally put that key into the bathroom
and a sense of elation and jubilation
just fills my whole body's I finally
turn it and I open it and I'm greeted
with the most unholy smell this world
has ever concocted it smelt like a
[ __ ] hate crime it was the most
repulsive revolting smell I've ever
smelled in my life and I've smelled some
[ __ ]
I've smelled some serious [ __ ] but this
was something else it's not like the
hotdog man had gone there killed
somebody and then took a [ __ ] all over
the corpse and it's really weird because
the toilet itself was pristine the
toilet was clean enough to drink out of
eat off of it was a it was a fantastic
looking toilet not a speck of dirt or
poopie in sight but the bathroom itself
was tainted with the remnants of a
thousand angry spirits that were all
[ __ ] in unison it's no doubt the
work of the hotdog man there's not a
single doubt in my mind he must just be
like a serial bathroom [ __ ] just goes
around [ __ ] in all the bathrooms
[ __ ] terrorizing them ruining them
for people that gotta pee like me but I
really don't know anyway the smell is so
overwhelming for just a brief moment I
relaxed my penis sphincter and a little
bit of urine dripped onto my boxers I
don't
count that as pissing my pants cuz it
was just enough where it only dribbled
out and I was able to once again
voluntarily collapsed the muscles so it
didn't squeak out anymore and I finally
approached the toilet and I finally
released the sweet relief into the
toilet and I finally peed I couldn't
breathe it was [ __ ] hazardous to my
health no doubt with all the [ __ ]
particles floating around in the air but
goddamnit
I finally peed so the lesson to take
away from here just when you feel like
even like the smallest amount of people
thing inside of you just piss it's it's
gonna get worse you're gonna just need
to pee don't try and hold it don't be a
hero like I was cuz you might find
yourself in a similar situation when you
dribble on yourself and you visit a
really disgusting smelling bathroom that
really just ruins ruins your sense of
smell for like a good two hours but
anyway that's the story the lesson to
learn pee when you feel like you have to
even a little bit don't try and hold it
because that is just absolutely
devastating and leads to this domino
effect of unfortunate circumstance
unfortunate circumstances and a lot of
stress that's it
so yeah