warning this video is intended for a
mature audience you understand viewer
discretion is advised
[Music]
yay all right this is Billy Bob tanley
here people and this is a request from
Jack and Augie or something and it was
up loaded by Channel awesome and L this
video is Thomas and the Magic Railroad
nostalgic critic okay let's check it out
yay hello I'm the nostal got to remember
it so you don't have to all right this
is a story about an old man who has lost
all hope in life this Thomas the Tank
aged faith in a holy
[ __ ] huh with the help of his
granddaughter and the courage of a small
town he he may be able to find that
special magic to make his engine run
once
more just know Academy Award nominee
Peter
Fonda Balwin most adorable smile award
Mara Wilson really that annoying Mrs
dfire kid oh yeah I remember her and
making his film
debut Thomas the Tank Engine Okay joke
is this come on come on where's the real
summary come on I mean there is no way
that
is in a Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin
Movie see I'm right how old is this
video Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin are
in a Thomas the Tank Engine movie what
the
[ __ ] no I don't know
what drugs man it goes a long way trust
me most of America was as shocked as you
are what the hell are these two big
dramatic actors doing in something as
brainless as Thomas the tanken they
needed money they were that desperate
guess film hell a Disney movie or a
Pixar movie or something of substance
would make more sense it's Thomas the
[ __ ] Tank Engine the show PBS puts on
when Clifford the dog is too
intimidating he made it famous though
does it all come
together I don't
know it's Thomas the [ __ ] T let's
take yeah I don't really don't care meet
thas he's notel he's our number one hero
hello so immediately your Mr Rogers
trolley comes in and kicks the oiled
asses out of these characters but
unfortunately we're not so lucky we do
however see our first problem with this
film ugly appreciate practicing your
numbers Gordon I'm
counting you are Thomas don't move and
just [ __ ]
creepy understand on the show cuz it
looks like Gumby look like Studio jibli
but come on Peter Fonda in this you
don't want Peter Fonda to think you're
this goddamn lazy do you you got enough
facial expressions in your library but
you come up with one motor to go inside
the character's lips to make it move up
and down do watch say golden I was just
wondering why we live in a town called
Sodor of the Ring villains I'm just
trying to put together how we procreate
I mean have sperm goodness gracious me
and that's somehow still less creepy
than what you're doing so we're
introduced to a place called shining
time where the humans are just as
lifeless as the trains they even have
their own obnoxiously fat profanity
Tinkerbell played by Alec Baldwin who's
going to sing to us about the to okay
[ __ ]
this
about
is a generic song it sounds like
hundreds of other song stop things are
always nice in this song that's why no
one remers
It song generic song some jackass wrote
this in his don't
know shs up yours
so I don't get
[Music]
it and by the way [ __ ] I think that
you're going to help me and somewhere in
this story um okay are you going to fill
us in on that at all kind of a lot of
pressure to throw on a little kid and
then suddenly not go into any detail how
would you like it if Barney the dinosaur
in the middle of a song said I love
you love some shit's going down be ready
for
it so I guess they find out a bad train
named Diesel has come to town for no
other reason than to cause trouble bad
train I've come back to find a lost
steam engine I'm going to destroy her
and dominate you whoa keep it in the
bedroom diesel what the [ __ ] I'm tired
of being the bottom [ __ ] just for once
I want to be in control of my train
sperm we were just talking about that do
trains have sperms silence this is a kid
show come on what finished I reckon
shining
time here well they did I'm glad you
agreed do this with seeing some girls
you hear that train whistle sooner than
it hears itself well all that excitement
gets him working his way up to muffle
Mountain where Peter Fonda plays the
owner of a tank engine he's name lady
few movies long ago I made a mistake his
lady's caretaker an evil diesel found
lady and threatened to destroy her he
chased her what used up all her coal
then he crashed her I don't
fix her up what you're describing that
but I've never been able to make up for
the mistake I made this is Thomas the
Tank I'm just going to tell you right
now you're trying way too hard here this
isn't Julie's gold it's Thomas the
[ __ ] I don't usually say this but
you'd understand if you don't put your
all into it I mean why can't you be more
like it is a very important day well
maybe not like this yes if Peter Ponda
is too miserable in this movie then Alec
Bal is far too happy he plays Mr
Conductor think Bob the builders labot
Grandpa pretty good idea what he's
like Stacy is that you find girl from
the sh an old Locker uh no lady the
proper response is demon demon proba
this place looks like the island of
Sodor but how would Bernett Stone travel
without Gold Dust I guess he travels
back and forth between shining time and
Soder and that's why kissing themselves
with Terror whenever he arrives but
what's so weird about it is that there's
nothing really magical about Sodor
except for the fact that the trains talk
wouldn't it make more sense just to have
it all take place in one world why not
just have a world where trains talk and
that's it why have the real world in it
at all that's why they would you like to
go to the magical land of corridor I
sure would
the [ __ ] looks just like the real world
what's so magical about it well that
mask over there can smell garlic chicken
spring rolls what the
[ __ ] my
ass what the [ __ ] am I looking out
here oh God that's creepy this isn't
really magical put on Majora's Mask like
Stacy mut sense danger he didn't want
either Billy or me to leave shining time
oh yeah he looks really distressed there
yeah
to concentrate now
mut mut goodbye
mut Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle uh what you're thinking to
yourself how could any successful actor
bring himself to star in a movie that
requires him to say the line Sparkle
guess he was broke man he needed
something or he was just going to have
to have po stamps and that's it I think
Baldwin saw the possibilities of magic
it possesses and the ability to touch an
entire ation don't act like these words
haven't had a huge impact on your
life were you going hey Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle [ __ ] yeah Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle no one know you're right yeah
[ __ ]
yeah Fu we see Fonda continuing to mope
get used to this folks there's a lot of
it told me one day one of his family
would return who the [ __ ] talking to him
to guard her well Young
brette but I didn't guard you well for
God's sake lighten up it's Thomas the
[ __ ] Tank Engine what I'm movie that
deserves it like 310 to Yuma or the L
Ghost Rider deserves more energy than
this Ghost Rider I just
don't seem to understand
about Thomas the
page okay we're going to break while I
get someone to clearly show him how not
to give a [ __ ] in a per performance yeah
not for that sh yes sir yes give me the
girl from the remake of Miracle on 34th
Street oh by the way sir Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle [ __ ] yeah Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle I don't get the
joke here we go Fonda this is the proper
performance to give in this movie Mara
Wilson clearly going through puberty
clearly at the age where she's
embarrassed to be seen in this piece of
crap and clearly just doing this to
offer future student laws watch this
performance and tell me if at any moment
she looks invested Grandpa's been so sad
since Grandma Tasha died did you get his
present here I'm making him a friendship
bracelet man this movie [ __ ] killing
my brain don't know how or where to look
but I'd rather just stay here with you
no commitment whatsoever I know and
that's all you need for this top untable
hug you to give a Chuck-E-Cheese
animatronic I'm going to go up this way
okay and leave the actress you obviously
just met today you see Fonda that's what
we're expecting learn from the master
she clearly doesn't give the master oh
okay so we find out a little bit more
about that lady engine and why diesel
wants to destroy her so much diesel
knows that the Lost Engine in the legend
really exists what Legend of an engine
whose magic makes her more powerful than
diesel will ever that's why he wants to
find her by the way you notice something
seriously lacking in Thomas the Tank Eng
yeah Thomas the Tank Engine he's barely
in this he show smiles and then we cut
to either overacting underacting or good
God it's Thomas the [ __ ] Tank Engine
acting oh well maybe Baldwin can bring
some balance back to this flick as he
stands here completely alone and yet
talks to himself he needs to go get to
the ball
then there you are i' like to have nice
Coco would you fellas care to join me no
what would you rather do instead go
outside and play what the [ __ ] is I can
understand that what do you think he
really lowered himself you're going to
have to have a timeout oh 30 Rock please
give him a career I'm sure he'll gladly
sacrifice his thin physique and black
hair if you only give him a hit show but
diesel arrives as Baldwin discovers he
suddenly can't use his Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle
really losing your sparkle huh all we
can do is hold our [ __ ] faces [ __ ]
face sugar diesel say that damn you up
for good wait so sugar is the big
Kryptonite in this world well why
doesn't he just carry a packet of
Splendor around all the time then or
help if the magic dust is so magical
can't he just bring a normal-sized
person into the world there'll be a
giant there so where's Dad than people
think family never really told me what
to do in a gold dust crisis they only
said if you can't remember how do you
have sparkle Powers the windmill will
remind you but where is the windmill so
he tries to figure out his Sparkle but
thankfully hope comes in the form of
Haley Joe Osman in a wig I don't suppose
you know where track 3 is do you is it
that
one [ __ ] wrong with you the hell could
go wrong just getting on a train that
could go anywhere that I was advised by
a dog to board it's not like it could
lead to another crazy Alec Baldwin
breakdown no think
behind they're good for the brain
what the
what never mind plane
drain stop looking at the camera
[ __ ] Mountain fountain that might be
something I think I'll try the Silvery
no you need to try the antis psychotics
honey he's eating vegetables I guess
sausage bicycle it's not sausage
toothpaste beach beach what the [ __ ]
Beach that's it that's it drugs man
definitely on something okay I have no
idea what that scene was about I am now
totally convinced that Alec Baldwin went
nuts and they just shot a movie around
it hell maybe it was supposed to be
about a grandfather his grand daughter
and a train but Baldwin just started
shouting gold dust and Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle and they had to make a kids
movie out of it this is sadly starting
to make sense
[ __ ]
now it's all good in this world a mental
breakdown is totally understandable
Thomas the Tank Engine where look at how
he reacted when Percy came in late I'm
going to let you know just how
disappointed in you I am and how angry I
am with you that you've done this to me
again you are a rude fress little pig
and I'm straighten your ass out don't
piss off Mr
Conductor so
Mar named Junior and in answer to your
question I have no idea why he's
Scottish but really if that's the
biggest concern in this movie you're in
a good
place who you I'm Lily who are you see
Junior I'm totally stoned so none of
this surprises me see you Lily yeah he's
definitely smoking
weed well that was pointless so she's
picked up and driven to her grandpa's
place where they form an immediate
connection by him poking the fire place
and her going straight to sleep it's the
human bonding that makes this film work
movie diesel Mr Conductor to throw him
off a bridge 10 yeah drop
him just burst into Sparkles
seven normally I'd say that's by
accident but it's Alec Baldwin he know
what he was doing
four three how much do they pay him for
this
really this is not a Thomas the Tank
Engine you put all this here for me oh
shut the [ __ ] I did not put that there
how kind of
you am I Alec Baldwin's
delusion this all Alec Baldwin's
delusion and for that matter is this the
socalled help the audience was supposed
to give that was mentioned earlier come
on
even was more interactive than that they
at least asked you to do something any
can just show something being done and
claim that you did
[Music]
that you did that you I didn't even know
that you did that you but I don't have
my GMA
hand is that that Twilight or it's
called for shame I didn't do [ __ ] I'm
just s here watching this must be the
clue to unlock the source of the Gold
Dust wish Goldust
would be th
tank up the magic because I think a lot
of that was going on while this movie
was made good morning Mr Stone I'm
riding into shining time could Lily come
with me if she'd like to I'd like to
yeah by the way something else to keep
in mind in this movie is that Mara
Wilson never keeps her lip closed it
hangs out like an every single scene
close your mil
to sure
she can
go
okay what are we to do it all seems
soing when Tasha and I were
children it's Thomas the [ __ ] D this
guy don't remember that you appear on
screen you make me want to slip my wrist
don't ever host a birthday party come on
kids let's go hit the
pinata what the [ __ ] is dead and you
killed him is that how that's probably
what he'd say
comes across again and she convinces him
to take her with him to Sodor can we be
back here by Sunset hope so yeah
probably she'll wait for them to meet at
this moment as idea was it to make this
[ __ ] would have saved time so he shrinks
her down to his size and you'll never
guess who they come across Thomas yeah
remember he's in this damn thing too he
goes ahead and takes them to Mr
Conductor who's still trying to figure
out the clue he Thomas don't get B spotl
you looking tble wait are they father
and son or cousins he calls him Junior
yet constantly husband and husband
Junior I want you to listen to me and I
want you to listen to me very carefully
this is his cousin maybe they're both if
the Mario Brothers can be Father and Son
anything [ __ ] possible so they figure
out they can't travel through worlds
without Gold Dust but somehow trains can
still travel okay but there's some kind
of magic that makes lady work but they
don't know what it is but it might have
something to do with this that they
found in the tunnel way in Between
Worlds which will allow lady to make
gold dust as she rides and when did this
plot become the kids version of momento
I don't
know complicated especially for a film
that's meant to be so simple but I guess
the coal they find does get lady working
and they ride her off again does she
have a face I don't see one well my lady
the lights are all green for you now
well take some
Prozac but they come across that evil
dies and they have to outrun
him wait
[Music]
what n he just overed up and realized
the movie he was in she's part of the
clue to the source of the Gold Dust now
I'll get you Stone this my brain the
magic you refuse to believe in we'll get
the better of
you what you know what go back to being
depressed I think I like it better that
way yeah m but they come across an
unstable bridge where diesel meets his
epare to
meet in
hell oh [ __ ] so he sa by a boat but we
do figure out that the Shaving lady
mixed with water from the well makes
gold dust whoopity hoopity and so we've
come to the happy end of our
story us to go
home just like Thomas oh yeah there was
a Thomas in this movie he wasn't there I
almost he very much I mean gez but all
the subplots confusing stories needless
celebrities and horrible editing I can't
remember what the hell I just
witnessed is so bizarre in its existence
I'm saying that why is it here why did
it need to be made why did it have these
people in it is it supposed to increase
viewers of the show well I've never seen
the show I don't think I ever will
either
creepy trains that look soless and the
less I can remember it the better I mean
I can't think of one good thing that
this movie gave us hey Sparkle Sparkle
Sparkle oh my will you stop that [ __ ]
I'm the Nostalgia Critic guy remember so
you don't have sparkle SP Sparkle
Sparkle man what does that even mean
Sparkle that's something [ __ ] it means
nothing D thank [ __ ] so there you go
everyone if y'all want to watch the
original video the link is in the
description go check check it out and
[ __ ] I'm getting the [ __ ] out here so
yeah yeah my name is Billy Bob tanley
and I approved this message