A report from the nation's toddlers finds vanilla iPad tastes about the
same; Eric Cantor is tossed by a bucking Mitch McConnell during
a Congressional rodeo; and "stray to be destroyed" tops the list
of cat names for the 24th straight year. Here's a teasing glimpse
into the decadent and hedonistic world of weekly news recaps.
This is The Onion Week in Review. Coming to terms with the limited
scope of what he can realistically accomplish as president Barack
Obama announced on Monday his new "I have big ideas but we'll
see how it goes" re-election campaign slogan. Saying the slogan
is the cornerstone of his pragmatic new We'll See campaign the
president outlined bold forward thinking initiatives that the
carefully reminded supporters would likely have to be drastically
scaled back or compromised altogether due to political road blocks,
opinion polls, and budget considerations. The We'll See campaign
allows President Obama to show voters that he has a bold vision
for bridging the partisan divide in Washington and ushering in
a new era of fairness while acknowledging that very little of
that actually has a chance of happening. Obama went on to say
he would continue fighting for birth control coverage for all
women but noted that Americans should be ready to settle for
something far less substantial. Local man Michael Kerson told
reporters Friday he couldn't help but take pride in the fact
that he could still fit into his car from high school. Noting
that he had put on a few pounds over the years and occasionally
struggled to get the seatbelt fastened all the way, Kerson said
the ability to squeeze into his six-foot wide, 3000-pound vehicle
was more than he could say for most of his friends. You know
I've got to suck my stomach in a little bit but once I get in
here I feel like I'm 18 again. Oh boy, it looks
like I'm a little stuck here. Senior executives at Walmart announced
Tuesday they were a little weirded out that the people of Littleton,
Massachusetts have put up no resistance to the opening of a new
super center in their small town. Company heads told reporters
they were slightly shaken by the community's lack of town hall
meetings, petitions, and calls to state representatives. There's
no public outrage and I haven't seen a single protester. It makes
me a little nervous. Maybe this isn't a good location for us
after all. Executives went on to say that as long as nobody
cared they would go ahead and start phasing out employee healthcare
benefits all together. In local news today is a Shoulders &
Triceps day. An area man reveals 14 seconds into a conversation. An
in other news a teenage daughter discovers her mom's suitcase
of old Playgirls, a Pekingese is really letting itself go since
winning Westminster, and even Glenn is in on the joke. The Onion
would like to congratulate viewer Brenda Finley on her son Tucker's
First Holy Communion. Way to go kid. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.