[Music]
a report from the nation's toddlers
finds the new iPad tastes about the same
Eric caner is tossed by a bucking Mitch
McConnell during a congressional rodeo
and stray to be destroyed tops the list
of cat names for the 24th straight year
here's a teasing glimpse into the
decadent and hedonistic world of Weekly
News Recaps this is the onion week in
review coming to terms with the limited
scope of what he can realistically
accomplish as President Barack Obama
announced on Monday his new I have big
ideas but we see how it goes reelection
campaign slogan saying the slogan is the
Cornerstone of his pragmatic new will
see campaign the president outlined bold
forward-thinking initiatives that he
carefully reminded supporters would
likely have to be drastically scaled
back or compromised altogether due to
political roadblocks opinion polls and
budget considerations the will see
campaign allows President Obama to show
voters that he has a bold vision for
Bridging the partisan divide in
Washington and ushering in a new era of
fairness while acknowledging that very
little of that actually has a chance of
happening Obama went on to say he would
continue fighting for birth control
coverage for all women but noted that
Americans should be ready to settle for
something far less substantial local man
Michael kerson told reporters Friday he
couldn't help but take pride in the fact
that he could still fit into his car
from high school noting that he had put
on a few pounds over the years and
occasionally struggled to get the seat
belt fastened all the way kerson said
the ability to squeeze into his 6t wide
3,000lb vehicle was more than he could
say for most of his friends you know I
got to suck my stomach in a little bit
but once I get in here I feel like 18
again oh boy well um looks like I'm a
little stuck here senior Executives at
Walmart announced Tuesday they were a
little weirded out that the people of
Littleton Massachusetts have put up no
resistance to the opening of a new super
center in their small town company heads
told reporters they were slightly shaken
by the community's lack of town hall
meetings petitions and calls to state
representatives there's no public
outrage and I haven't seen a single
protester makes me a little nervous
maybe this isn't a good location for us
after all Executives went on to say that
as long as nobody cared they would go
ahead and start phasing out employee
Healthcare benefits altogether in local
news today is a shoulders and triceps
day an area Man reveals 14 seconds into
a conversation and in other news a
teenage daughter discovers her mom's
suitcase of old play girls a peek and
ease is really letting itself go since
winning Westminster and even
Glenn is in on the joke the onion would
like to congratulate Fullerton area
viewer Brenda Finley on her son Tucker's
First Holy Communion way to go kid for
more visit theonion.com/newsbeat
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