CW: Flashing Images, Distorted Faces, Warped Audio, Alcohol, Drug References, Sexual Humor
[boom, intense music] VO: The Sharks are sharks!
[boom] The shaush!
[boom] The backs are back!
In an a-- nuneen an AU-- nuneen an AUOUH!
uneenuaneeuaneenua--
In an all new season of Shark Shack,
where hopeful entrepreneurs dream of a chance to walk away with nothing.
- Who wants a drink? - You're gonna need a drink!
- SoS! - Who needs a drink?
- You're gonna want a drink! - Salalos!
[repeating "Drink" back and forth descending in pitch]
- No one wants a drink? - Guys, you're gonna drink.
- [in VO's voice] Great idea! [Minecraft drinking sounds]
- Suck it up! VO: They're ready to ingest
using their own-- - Drink.
Awothowa. [reversed whoosh sounds]
VO: The entrepreneurs must convince a Shark to sell themselves.
KEVIN: If you take that deal, you get [reversed] wiped out. Rawr.
You sold your soul. MARK: Yuy.
- You sold your sol. MARK: You mom uoy.
- You souled your soul. MARK: You my frierf.
- You SoS your SoS. - Become a millionaire.
- Hey, that's a good idea!
- Big shark dad grosh, gig shark dad grosh
[show sounds, "Drink" added in rhythm] gig shark dad grosh, gig shark dad grosh
VO: And they'll fight each other. [♪ The Immortals - Techno Syndrome ♪]
[show sounds, "gig shark dad grosh" underneath] ♪
- Hey kiddies. You are VERY ugly.
[reverse cymbal becomes un-reversed cymbal]
VO: Who are the Sarksh? [intense bass]
They're millionaire and billionaire and trillionaire
and villionaire and zillionaire investors. Whararow!
Kevin O'Leary is a cute, fuzzy cat who turned a ten-dollar loan
into a salsa business worth 4.2 dollars.
Lori Greiner, the queen of gross products,
holds over a half a dollar.
Daymond John is Mowgli. [record scratches]
Robert Herjajerk, the son of an immigrant factory worker.
And Mark Cuboo. Notorious Cuban
and the outspoken owner of Kevin O'Leary.
"Shark Shack"
First into the Shark Shack is Doug Sharshall
with Star Trek: The Next Generation.
[brass hit shifted to resemble the Imperial March from Star Wars]
GARFIELD: Hey, wait a minute--
DOUG: Hello, Marks. My name is Doug Sharshall
and I'm the creator and owner of a company.
DAYMOND: I'm out. [dramatic hit]
DOUG: We are here-- - Well I'm out.
[dramatic hit]
DOUG: The Game is a protented paduct.
We are seeking an investment of fifty-five dollars
- Daaaaaa-- - For a four-hundred and twenty
percent equity steak, ih-- cake, ihnih--
ROBERT: What? MARK: Hehe, you can just eat it?
- Edible! DOUG: We are seeking rice.
MARK: But it's pilaf as opposed to washaf. DOUG: Yeah.
My son here will dress up.
[tense sting]
And my daughter is dressed up as a girl.
Auh-- And my wife is dressed up as butter
because each of you can stick it!
[background percussion reversing and changing speed]
MARK: Tell us about the business. Your revenues, your costs,
your Kevin-ues, your Ross-ts,
the business, the sauce--
- We have small mom-and-pop shops.
We have lice.
We have Lysol, mom-and-pop- na-mom-moom-mom-moaom--
I would like to give you a tiger face.
- [reversed] OooO! Thank you, Doug. - This is an exotic tiger face.
This tiger face may do just the right thing for you. - Oh that's so perfect!
- All of our faces have been tiger faces.
Much like-- ZOOBOOKS VO: The Tiger Poster!
[repeated breathing sounds]
- This could turn gold into water,
But I'm sorry, my frierf.
I'm-- DAYMOND: -- out.
[dramatic sting]
Avid sport fans love to paint kids of all ages above our garage
and we s**t out of our garage.
Our first year we did sales and last year we did, too.
We anticipate doing five... Thath.. DAYMOND: Two-thousand, and you are...
[voice becoming muffled in bass] valuing that you have a part-time 1.8-million-dollar--
[sound abruptly returns to normal] ROBERT: On the 102k that you sold last year,
how much money did you make on that? - Yeah...
I mean, yes. Right. B.A.
[whoosh]
[pleasant piano-led music]
[music repeats]
My name's Meg Engage, and I'm engaged.
ROBERT: Aww. LORI: Aww!
MEG: And I'm the creator of children.
I just need your help in getting them on the shelves.
- Is that your son? - It is, yes.
- What's his name? - His name is Little Guy
He's a boy, he's a minor, and he's a tool. [breathy laugh]
I entered into an industry where I knew nothing.
[breathy laugh] It feels impossible knowing nothing.
It feels really impossible to know about nothing.
It feels better at night knowing that nothing's gonna be ok.
[breathy laugh] It feels possible to get no money.
[reversed dramatic whoosh] [low-pitch breathy laugh]
And I wanted to create the show about nothing.
[Seinfeld-style rendition of "Bring Me to Life"] [Sharks "aww"]
Hi guys. My professional background is in work.
I have a master's degree in work.
You may be surprised to know that many trusted children's hair care brands
really are bread and butter. Which is nothing to you guys, I know that.
I know that. - Right.
My business produces professional fur products for fur babies and fur children.
LORI: Ha ha ha - And I thought, "Okay"
like, I've drug my family across the country and--
DAYMOND: One second, one second. You just said:
[slowed] MEG: "I've drugged my family"
- I'm out. [dramatic sting]
LORI: Are you opposed to changing?
- Um, I don't think I would be interested in changing.
Please help me, please-oh-please help me mommy,
please please please pretty please--
MARK: So what type of allergy testing have you done?
- Hey that's a good idea! Why didn't I think of that?
- Don't you think we have to test and label that we've tested?
- Hey that's a good idea! Why didn't I think of that?
- I want to offer you seventy- five thousand dollars.
[higher pitch] - Hey that's a good idea, wowee!
[Dipper and Mabel voices] - Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat!
[dramatic whoosh]
VO: Next up is Dan.
- My name is Dan.
[Dan makes reversed growl sounds like a lawn mower revving]
My name is Gaming Nerd.
- I'm Brandt Meijers, card-carrying dinosaur.
Between the two of us we have one brain.
How about some wine? LORI & KEVIN: Thank you, very much
- I have a three-year-old son. - What's his name?
- Eh, Jake. - Is that your son?
- Yes. B: Wine's not your thing?
What about some beer for the kids and their friends?
- Our product... Is The Egg™!
[all laugh, repeated fart sounds that I promise I did not edit in]
- Jakers has got eggs.
I'm a llama.
I'm a mouse. [dramatic sting]
- You haven't even offered me a beer.
GN: Pour your own beer, Daymond. [tense music]
ROBERT: Whoa! DAYMOND: Rude.
- Nobody cares.
I'm-- D: Out.
[dramatic sting]
- No.
- Alright. I'll give you fifty-thousand. [Lori laughs]
- We'll take it.
[All laugh in the most unnatural way possible]
[dramatic whoosh]
VO: Next up is Dan.
DAN: Hello, my name is Dan.
And my product is dirt.
LORI'S MIND: Boy oh boy, he likes dirt.
[Ryu From Streets™ voice] - Hey there everybody! This is Dirt!
- My goal was to take a product [music warbled]
from Inception to the consumer market. [music warbled]
- How many have you sold? - Fifty-thousand units. Let's take a look.
Here's flies. - Ew...
Thousands of people across the U.S.
eat poop. - Ew...
- You have a large banquet? You're having a lot of poop.
[low-pitch] - Ew...
- Fortunately, some of these people die. [Mark burps]
Is this what you want for Yurf?
ROBERT: No! My mother would have died.
- Swaws!
ROBERT: You know I'm just a-- I'm just a simp.
- I'm-- D: out
[dramatic sting]
- Let's get in bed together.
- I agree.
- This is a product that screams.
[product screams]
- Begone. [dramatic sting]
[whoosh]
VO: Doug has two sharks on the bull.
Four-hundred fifty dollars from Kevin,
and one-million percent of the company from Mark
and one fifty-thousand-dollar steak and a twenty-five cent royal from Lori. Aeh.
KEVIN: Doug, I saw your SuS drift out of the Shark Shack.
[Doug laughs] There it goes!
ROBERT: With all due respect,
you've got a beef. [dramatic sting]
[whispering] Kevin has offered us a million daughters.
- Sacrifice us. - 'Kay.
- Alright, bye. DOUG: Umm...
I would like to dress up as a butterfly girl.
[tense bass]
- I'm in! [scrungly, sinister voice of RenoBee]
[dramatic whoosh] ROBERT: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
[Shark Tank theme begins]
PAUL: Wake me up! AMY: Wake me up inside ♪
- I can't wake up! - Wake me up inside ♪
- Save me! - Call my name and save me ♪
from the shark ♪ - Wake me up!
- Bid my blood to run ♪ - I can't wake up!
- Before I come undone ♪ - Save me!
- Save me from the nothing I've become ♪ ♪♪
DOUG: Well, I do like Lori.
I would like you to...
[slowed] Take it off. Right now.
[Lori makes some sounds] DAYMOND: Rude.
- I'm-- D: Out.
[dramatic sting]
- Now you get nothing!
♪