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cinemassacre
[Music]
today we have the NES game the
incredible crash dummies based on the
cartoon based on the toys based on the
public service announcements yeah it may
be hard to believe but in the late 80s
early 90s this was a big franchise and
for a very brief period of time I was
into them as much as ninja turtles yeah
it began with the public service
announcements or PSAs which seemed to be
all over the TV at the time when you sit
down and watch cartoons on Saturday
morning you'd also get to see pee-wee
Herman telling you not to do crack this
is crack dude pee-wee Herman is holding
crack and when peewee is serious it's
scary
most kids at that age didn't even know
what drugs were I have a friend who
learned about marijuana from the Ninja
Turtles PSA no joke you imagine that
conversation
what's a marijuana mom where'd you hear
that son Oh from the Ninja Turtles and
with that he was never allowed to watch
Ninja Turtles again true story
sometimes PSAs were actually part of the
show like at the end of GI Joe you just
watched 20 minutes of guys shooting
lasers and missiles at each other and
then one of these [ __ ] starts going
off about good sportsmanship not playing
on thin ice or how to escape a house
fire that you also caused so some
cartoons had PSAs but one PSA became a
cartoon the incredible crash dummies
Vincent Larry these characters were
created by the National Highway Safety
Administration to resemble real
crash-test dummies the ones used by
vehicle manufacturers to test what would
happen if someone were in an accident
but the incredible crash dummies were
the spokesperson versions who would say
don't be a dummy buckle your seat belts
it was a reasonable safety message of
course everyone should buckle their
seatbelts but then the dollar signs
kicked in and the toy line started
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
when dummies get behind the wheel it's
their job right I just love going to
pieces now that was a pretty lame cash
grab but I gotta admit I loved these
toys as a kid I used to get out the
Sears catalogs and circle them for my
Christmas wish lists now why were they
so awesome well what other toy can you
think of where the whole point is to
break them the dummy's heads and limbs
pop off and then you can put them in a
car and set up an epic stunt scene oh
that was pretty damn cathartic man and
then you get to put them all back
together and do it again oh look at that
the only downfall after every crash
you're bound to lose pieces behind
furniture and in every corner I'm gonna
be fine and crash dummy limbs in this
room for years to come when you're
sitting there with your friends and
they're playing with their Power Rangers
or whatever you're sitting here ramming
this [ __ ] car like a maniac and you
look like a crazy person
one time a friend said to me hey my
parents won't let me play with these I
was like why and he said because they
make kids think that crashing cars is
cool and that's when I realized these
things were a bit controversial but I
knew they were just for fun I've been in
a real accident twice and it's very
different and not fun at all but these
were just dummies not real humans oh
wait there's a dog and a cat come on you
don't kill the pets and there's a baby
character called skid the kid okay
I take it back these things were pretty
[ __ ] up what were they thinking and
who needs the cars let's cut straight to
the chase just sit him in a chair to
launch them directly into a [ __ ] wall
bam bam let's see that again or if
that's not enough how about put them in
the crash cannon yeah
when would you ever see a crash-test
dummy inside a [ __ ] cannon just to
make sure it's safe for human launching
here we go
oh [ __ ]
or even better the torture rack don't be
a dummy
buckle your seatbelt while you're living
out your masochistic fantasies oh [ __ ]
or that'll happen you can also run over
a skunk which would make it a roadkill
skunk that I'd rather eat the rotten
[ __ ] out of anyway as they expand it
out into other media like cartoons they
eventually made their way to video games
like the Commodore 64 version let's try
this out oh wait that's not a game it's
the band okay all right no more [ __ ]
around let's get to the game now there's
one thing about this game that you
should probably know and I bet you
guessed already because I've been
holding my finger over this spot here
for a reason you know what's gonna
happen I'm gonna pull my finger away
there's gonna be some dramatic music and
well should I just do it I'm gonna do
there was this nerd who got incredible
right John he's on the air - yes but
weird
he saw that low
oh hey no look get him would be extra
shitty he said he'd rather smash ears Oh
nutsack with the crowbar
hmm so it's what you'd expect from good
old LJN and this game came out in 93 by
that time most people were playing Super
Nintendo in Genesis and even the
PlayStation came out the next year in
Japan you'd think by now these laugh and
joke and numbnuts would have given us
something halfway decent but no it was
their trademark their seal of [ __ ] they
make shitty games that's what they do
they're proud of it like a muskox
marking its territory during mating
season their hair gets soaked in their
own piss which gives them their own
distinct and profound smell even
Nintendo Power said it has that distinct
LJN feel they just didn't elaborate on
the muskox piss ritual so anyway if you
play an L gen game you know what you're
getting into in fact the real test
dummies were us because when gamers sat
down the couch to play this abomination
it was like strapping yourself into the
driving seat of a horrendous putrid
tragic piece-of-shit game which is on a
one-way course to [ __ ] disaster
it takes place in a dystopian
post-apocalyptic world where car crashes
have caused the entire human race to go
extinct a group of sentient crash-test
dummies spend their days trying to
create the safest vehicle for the next
wave of dominant organic life-forms now
the real plot is way more boring than
that you play as the incredible crash
dummies slick and spin your mission is
to fight against the evil junkman to
save your friends spare tire and Daryl
I don't get Darrell all the other
characters have some dumb car pun named
like slick spin spare tire or lube job
so junk man has taken spare tire and
Daryl and it's obvious it was no
accident get it it was no accident
pretty funny huh accident like a car
accident
yeah that's pretty damn hilarious even
the instruction manual has a page of dad
jokes look at these nice lappers what's
the one thing a person who doesn't use
safety belts will never see
old age wow that's grim here's another
one what's the first thing that goes
through your head when you find yourself
in an accident without your safety belt
buckle the windshield damn now it's one
thing in a PSA to shock people to teach
them how serious it is but here they
treat traffic safety like it's a [ __ ]
joke
I mean scientists used actual crash-test
dummies to make safer cars coupled with
the PSAs new traffic laws airbags deaths
from car crashes dropped dramatically
since the 70s and these [ __ ] cram
more car crash jokes into their game
that I cram [ __ ] jokes into a script
well let's travel down the old Hershey
Highway to shit's burg buckle up
buckaroo
the graphics are abysmal literally most
of the levels are made up of random
platforms drawn into a dark abyss the
instruction manual has more color in it
than this game does it's often hard to
tell what parts are in the background
and what parts are actually in your way
everything is just flat and lifeless the
character animation looks really stupid
everyone walks like they're holding in a
huge [ __ ] you know like when you have to
go so bad it feels like the poops
pressing into your pelvic bone the game
itself is pretty straightforward you
play as spin who's always on a unicycle
and slick who just walks
I much prefer playing a slick his levels
are a lot easier because he doesn't
slide all over the place like spin which
is funny because you figure the guy
named slick would be slipping all over
the place but spin controls like Sonic
the Hedgehog but coated in anal lube the
first time you play as slick is in the
second level the sewers so at least they
get the obligatory sewer level out of
the way quickly
it's another mucus filled sewer like in
Dennis the Menace does anybody in video
games take a normal healthy brown [ __ ]
like what's with all this green booger
man [ __ ] each dummy has a
short-range attack that stuns enemies
the manual says it's an exhaust gun so
you're pretty much blasting carbon
monoxide into the faces of your enemies
and they're choking on engine fumes you
can also pick up oil can
for a long-range ammo and arms that turn
you into a spinning dummy of death you
can collect traffic cones which give you
an extra life when you collect 50 of
them balloons which make you all floaty
when you jump
steering wheels are kind of like the
invincibility stars in mario extra heads
fill your life meter and the worst item
in the goddamn game is rockets the
Rockets send you flying all over the
place and are pretty much a death
sentence later in the game just look at
this right here I'm trying as hard as I
can to control this [ __ ] dummy and
he just does whatever he feels like the
sad thing is the game is almost decent
it has some pretty good music composed
by Tim and Jeff fallin the composers of
Silver Surfer on NES which I have on
vinyl no joke ok so the first shitty
mechanic is hitting certain enemies that
can cause you to fly back and explode
and I really mean fly back because you
don't stop until you hit a solid wall
this was the very first thing that
happened to me when I started playing
it's a huge pain that ass and makes you
feel like an idiot when it happens like
you should know better
it just happens again and again over and
over wow that's annoying the worst game
mechanic is losing your head literally
losing your head this happens when
either a bomb blows up near you or you
smash into a wall while going too fast
this sucks ass because it reverses the
controls and they don't go back to
normal until you find a spare head
sometimes you can find the spare heads
easily and other times you might spend
most the level in reversed mode I end up
getting used to the backward controls
not to mention the second you pick up
the spare head the controls immediately
change back you'll do an about-face into
an enemy's [ __ ] we're off a goddamn
cliff and for shit's sake don't ever get
the rocket while headless you finally
reach this annoying puzzle where you
have to flip switches as spin make a
mistake or take too long and you have to
start the sequence over and over the
problem is the little bounce spin does
when he lands from a jump it messes with
my timing and I start scrambling the
next level is the docks it looks like a
shitty
the airship level in Mario 3 but it's
completely [ __ ]
it's a triple-decker of platforms and
long paths seagulls drop bombs that take
your head off so you're gonna be
battling the backwards controls plus an
endless supply of enemies and pitfalls
it's merciless next up is this boss with
a peg leg that pegs you with steering
wheels and wait I thought the steering
wheels were an item that made you
invincible damn liars
eventually the boss commits suicide and
you saved Daryl who looks exactly the
same as you
seriously they just did a recolor wow
this game sure cuts a lot of corners
yeah you'd get it pretty [ __ ] funny
huh the car wreckers level which
introduces enemies who have decoy
traffic cone pickups as much as I hate
to admit it this tricked me pretty good
the first time I wasn't even mad it's a
good trick but of course it's one of
those enemies that launches you back to
the level is amazed with a ton of cheap
repeating beginners traps next the
junkyard this level can suck my tailpipe
it's filled with fast flying bombs that
take your head off there are all over
these spike pits too trying to get to
the top and jump over the barrier is a
[ __ ] chore just look at this [ __ ] I'm
flying all over the place
fantastic an underground area filled
with pits and enemies that of course
send you flying back they made sure to
incorporate all the most annoying
aspects of this game into the final
level the final boss fight is junk man
you have to dodge his tire gun and shoot
him a few times to stun them then make
your way to a switch at the top of the
stage to lift up and drop a weight on
him it's kind of fun and it's at least
better than the other boss fights once
you beat them spin stands over the
corpse of junk man and says what's the
matter junk man did your mom drop you on
your head okay then you launch your
friend through a wall make a final
shitty joke and that's it
overall crash test dummies is just
another turd on the LJN [ __ ] mound and
since it was based on a PSA I guess
would be the same as making a game based
on an airline safety
pamphlet pretty dumb idea for a game
based on dummies and the song by crash
test dummies was in the movie Dumb and
Dumber which also had the song crash by
the primitives hmm
crash test dummy and Dumber dummies hmm
there must be a connection in the movie
there's a headless parrot just like the
headless dummy in the game and what's
the goal the direction the meaning of
the whole trip they go to Aspen Aspen
that's the direction the meaning of the
whole thing
the game is ass and when lloyd gives
Harry the laxative so he takes a massive
diarrhea dump in a toilet that won't
flush that's the same as LJN giving us
the ultimate laxative this game the
diarrhea represents the traumatic
experience of playing the game and the
broken toilet is your broken childhood
forever filled with [ __ ] but now it's
time to crash this game
[Music]
[ __ ]
[Music]
when and
[Music]
you