it's been a little while since i've told
the story so go ahead and hop on my lap
here by the fireplace and i'll tell you
a tale
as is common with most of my stories
i've told on the channel this takes
place during the period of my life where
i thought it was cool to be a mysterious
anime character
this was like my early years of college
as you can probably imagine my ability
to socialize during this time was
absolutely pathetic having a
conversation with a magic eight ball
would have been more fun and engaging
than talking to me back then
those poor souls that talked to me back
then probably instantly
regretted it because having a
conversation with old charlie was like
talking to alexa if she was overdosing
on xanax it was rough
why is this important though because
this is setting the stage for one story
i haven't told yet i've told so many
stories when it comes to all of the
[ __ ]
weird and creepy interactions i've had
with women all my fault of course
just because i was so unbelievably
socially inept like it's hard to put
into words how bad i was at recognizing
social cues and how to be like
acceptable in society
i [ __ ] bought one of those fake
cigarettes one time you know that [ __ ]
that kids would buy from spencer's when
they were like 12.
i bought one of those things when i was
18 because i thought it looked cool and
i hated real cigarettes
you know how [ __ ] sad that is i'm
surprised i didn't buy one of those
colorful propeller hats and started
spinning it to try and look cool or
something it was rough
what so what i'm saying is socially i
was the worst thing you could [ __ ]
imagine
but it didn't stop me from trying to
have conversations with women
i tried to fake confidence fake it to
make it and all of that [ __ ]
and today's story will be in that
ballpark so
this story takes place in a location
where all good social interactions take
place
at gamestop so let me take you back to
the past when my social interactions
sucked ass this is gamestop 2012 2011
somewhere in that ballpark
i was of course virgin boy charlie if
you can even believe that some say i
lost my virginity before my dad but the
truth is
i was actually a virgin embarrassingly
enough and i was doing what all
virgins did using reddit for some advice
and
reddit is one of the worst places when
it comes to seduction and just
general advice when it comes to human
interaction because it's the blind
leading the blind the people giving that
advice
they have likely never talked to a human
being before they're probably getting
all of their social cues the same place
i was
[ __ ] anime so i was using anime and r
slash relationship or something i don't
remember what subreddit
and these two things were clashing and i
was like you know what i'm gonna take
both of these
do like a little unholy fusion dance and
become this ultra chad the product of
great advice
and great animation and i was going to
channel this
and show that you know i'm becoming more
confident myself by
flirting with girls in public and i
chose my first rodeo to be at gamestop
before going to gamestop i had decided
that i was going to march into gamestop
right up to the counter to the girl that
worked there and call her beautiful
right to her face i was going to look
her in the eyes i was gonna say ma'am
you are [ __ ] beautiful you are
gorgeous i don't know what i expected to
happen next because i didn't have a
follow-up maybe i was fantasizing like
one of those dream scenes where all of a
sudden
like an anime the girl blushes and then
she calls out her three twin sisters or
something
they all fall in love with me i don't
know but that was my game plan
and i was hyping myself up i was like a
football player in the locker room
before the championship game
head butting lockers i put on a necklace
and i never wear a necklace i found like
this old gold necklace from probably
when i was a kid
but my neck is still the same size as
the kids so it's still fit
i spiked my hair up real well [ __ ]
drowned it in gel
and i mean drowned it in joe i looked
like a freshly born baby covered in
amniotic fluid up there
and i felt like a million bucks today
was the day
i was going to say to a girl she is
beautiful so i hop into my batmobile and
i cruise on over to gamestop i get to
the door i open it and it's like
everything else just
melted around me time froze and there
she was
behind the desk the only female employee
at this particular game stop
and she looked miserable probably
because she's working at a [ __ ] game
stop but i was gonna make her day
better by being the only man in gamestop
history with the confidence to say
that she was beautiful you know i'm sure
she doesn't hear that every day from
other socially inept [ __ ] slime balls
so i was going to be the first the
trendsetter truly a pioneer
so i meandered around a little bit just
making sure i was building up enough
confidence going over the lines in my
head
the line i was going to use was when she
was done ringing me up i was going to
say
thank you beautiful and then wait to see
her response see what she says to this
hoping that she wouldn't call the police
or have security come tackle me
so i finally pick out a game some used
game i'm sure because i was big into
used games for a long time
i slammed that [ __ ] on the counter
because i'm ready she starts by asking
me a couple questions
am i a member of gamestop power plus
ultra program
well no no i'm not she's going off
script i wasn't accounting for this
it's free form now the dialogue has been
all [ __ ] up
i'm getting a little jumbled in my head
i'm getting nervous i wasn't expecting
to be interrogated by her today
i'm not a member of this gamestop
program would i like to be
well [ __ ] would it help my chances with
you i don't know i'm going through all
kinds of scenarios in my head it's like
a visual novel there's a bunch of
different branching paths i could choose
from
i'm panicking i'm breaking down a bit my
composure is starting to falter there's
sweat on my brow and a tickle in my sack
i was not prepared for this at all she
then asked me do i want my receipt
another question i wasn't anticipating
do i say thank you beautiful now no that
wouldn't make sense because she asked me
a question i can't just respond with a i
have to answer the question
everything's all falling apart at once
it's like salvador dali's painting where
the clocks are melting i'm running out
of time i don't know when to say this
line
and no i don't really want this receipt
what am i gonna do wipe my ass with it i
paid three dollars for some garbage use
the game i tell her no
thank you you keep the receipt and
that's when she says it
a sentence that could dampen the pants
of any man even the strongest men
she says thank you for shopping at
gamestop
i freeze i don't know how to respond i
stand there for what feels like
hours looking at the ground wondering is
now the time
and then i decide i muster the courage
within myself the strength to go forward
i say
thank you beautiful i'm still looking at
the ground when i say this
because i haven't earned the right to
look my gamestop queen in the eyes yet
and then i do what any sane man would do
i ran away
i [ __ ] jogged away before she could
even like actually respond i started
jogging away with the bag in my hand
like i just stole the game from gamestop
but i did hear her say oh i i know for a
fact she said oh as i turned my back to
run away
i ran all the way to my car hearing that
o in my head the entire way there
got in slammed the door and i thought to
myself
charlie you did it we
just made that employee extremely
uncomfortable
and man do i feel like [ __ ] about it
it was it was a good lesson to learn
that was probably already like the fifth
or sixth time that lady had been hit on
that day by [ __ ] weirdos like me
she probably just up and quit that day
that was probably the last straw right
there
i don't know because i never went back i
was just so god damn embarrassed about
this whole thing but i do imagine she
quit that day
but yeah i've tell you this story in the
hopes that people will learn from it
don't make the same mistakes i did don't
be a [ __ ]
weirdo and don't you know you know yeah
that's basically it really
that's about it see ya