crash dummy is a platforming adventure
game developed by 12 games and published
by funbox media for nintendo switch
playstation 4 and pc in 2019 fans of our
show may recognize the main character
not such a dummy now not such a dummy
now i'm such a dummy now am i
we already played a wii game called sid
the dummy starring sid a crash dummy
with artificial intelligence we thought
we were done with him but now he's back
in a second game we were surprised to
see a sequel to sit the dummy since it
was you know
said the dummy here we go again but in
case you're not familiar with this
masterpiece let's catch you up
once upon a time two scientists work
together to invent sentient dummies one
turned evil and the other souped up one
of their creations sid to stop him also
there was a weird daughter experiment
that needed rescuing
me damsel in distress aside said the
dummies plot shares a lot with a certain
mega franchise it also happens to be
about one good and one bad scientist who
have intelligence infused pseudo-humans
but believe us that's the only
similarity there were story problems
gameplay problems oh and motion controls
yes we played sid the dummy on the wii
which was loaded with wiggly badness
but now he's back in a 2d side-scrolling
platformer this time with no wii motion
controls in sight with different visual
and control implementations there's a
chance that crash dummy has learned from
sid the dummy's mistakes maybe it's not
so
dumb what possible impact will the game
have well it's time to find out let's
meet sid for another test track spin
with crash dummy when we boot up the
game we're thrust into an opening cut
scene we're in a dummy factory and one
of them is being injected with human
life which apparently looks like ecto
cooler sliders
you cannot do that detroit barges in on
advisor's work yelling at him to stop
with likely the worst lip sync animation
in history that's crazy
when we started we agreed never to
infuse human life in an artificial body
he tries to stop the operation
accidentally getting fried to a crisp in
the process
then for some reason he's picked up by a
passing mechanical arm and carried away
and this guy just watches all of this
happen
he literally doesn't try to prevent this
at all is he supposed to be the good
scientist or the bad one maybe he was
frozen in wonder at a mechanical arm
defying the laws of physics how a
machine only displaying up and down
movement can clip a corpse right through
a control panel is beyond me
realistically the animation should have
played out like this
but instead we get this confusing mess
of a scene where detroit is carried off
while this guy watches on like an idiot
finally detroit is turned into this
whoa whoa what happened where'd the
cloak come from where did his jaw go
yes the game is telling us detroit's the
villain we get a stream of images with
zero context that ends in a barren
post-apocalyptic
i wasteland whether she will still be
alive
we'll see
gosh this animation is terrible why did
they bother making a cutscene if they
clearly didn't care what it looked like
or care if it made sense we have
character models taken straight from the
first game like detroit sid and mia the
dummy with lime green jell-o intervenes
but then we have this guy advisor a new
character we've never seen before mia's
crater is supposed to be this guy from
the first game bm working shane is that
a poop joke pretty sure it's a poop joke
poop joke confirmed
so we're getting the backstory how
detroit was created and that he hates
the other scientists for creating mia
but then they change out established
characters do they want us to be
confused when it's finally over we get
taken to the crash dummy title page and
we're greeted by sid's theme song
the song appeared on the title screen
for sid the dummy as well
[Music]
we couldn't help but compare it to
weapon of choice by fatboy slim
sounds like mr fatboy can sue him twice
now we press the play button because
there's literally nothing else we can do
and it takes us straight to the level
select there's no menu or options to
speak of signs all over the place that
we should probably prep for bad game
whiplash let's get this disaster going
with the mandatory tutorial where we're
treated to another cutscene this time
it's static images without voice-over
we'll see
probably for the best
hold on that isn't the same scientist
from the opening scene wait he has the
same name advisor but now he looks like
bm working from the first game so is he
the same character why did they change
his name why did they change his look
for one scene the characters aren't the
only thing we recognize here this
dialogue is also exactly the same as the
dialogue from the first games intro
that's it
he's the one every day i hear him
complaining yes number 12 i know
but i have no other option except they
altered the name of his little robot
helper it's changed to cop cam number
12. cop cam what is that supposed to
mean you just don't pull cop cam out of
[Music]
oh
okay we alluded to the fact that these
guys were not so slyly paying homage to
the blue bomber in our last episode but
man any more on the nose and you're
poking grey matter yeah but apparently
they also took inspiration from their
own game look just like in the previous
wii title sid gets roped into hero duty
to save the professor's dummy daughter
mia did they make a second game with the
exact same story well it was so good the
last time i guess they didn't think they
could top it you are the only hope i
have of finding my daughter your
daughter we finally get into the
tutorial and believe it or not it
already plays terrible and we're just
walking it takes a second for your input
to move sid and it takes him a while to
stop after you've taken your finger off
the control compare this to a competent
2d action platformer and sequel the
fitting mega man 2 on nes you feel
immediately what crash dummy is lacking
you have precision control over your
character allowing you to master the
game's challenges they figured that out
decades ago but sid it's like he's
walking on a hardwood floor smeared with
motor oil while he's wearing butter
boots to add to the frustration the
tutorial is basically useless they don't
tell us what any of the controls
actually are use the jump button oh
thanks for that professor we wouldn't
have thought to use the jump button
which button is the
jump button tutorialize us some games
are designed so well that they can teach
you to play without any formal tutorial
at all crash dummy makes us go through a
tutorial that doesn't actually tell us
anything the only lesson we learn is
that these controls all feel terrible
like the way sid attacks there's no
satisfaction in this gameplay no quick
snappy action you feel like you're
waiting for character animations to play
through so you can hit another button
and inevitably wait some more compare
this to other games with side scrolling
combat you hit the attack button and
your character attacks near instant
gratification crash dummy doesn't do
this and it's not like sid's enemies
just wait around for him to attack
they're quick and their attacks always
win over sids because they get frames of
invulnerability so even if you do
technically get a punch in first it
doesn't really matter they attack at
random intervals meaning you can't
really build a strategy and sid doesn't
have a defense move to protect himself
other than running away sid does have a
bazooka but you have to find ammo for it
and it's in very short supply this means
more often than not you'll be resorting
to fisticuffs and the ammo pickups only
give you 25 shots in the first game each
pickup gave you 100 shots you're holding
out on us crash dummy yeah it's like the
developers went out of their way to
hassle the player like the spring syd
can't reach the extra life or that
platform and there's nowhere else for
sid to go why the hell is this here it's
not like collecting that extra life is
even useful they're just wasting our
time because in crash dummy it doesn't
matter if you die when sid dies a level
does not reload you simply respawn in
the exact same place you were taken out
no having to replay from a checkpoint no
restarting at the beginning of the level
sid's knocked out and bounces right back
and it doesn't stop there losing all
your lives basically doesn't matter
either and you might be wondering what
how could that not matter well when you
lose all your lives and get a game over
the game doesn't restart in any way you
respawn where you last died full health
restocked with three more unnecessary
lives they may have planned for levels
to restart after a game over but we're
betting the devs themselves were unable
to complete any of these stages their
probable fix was to get rid of any kind
of real game over punishment you'd think
this would make the game insanely easy
to play but never forget the golden rule
we've been learning throughout this
series bad games are usually broken in
games no we did not edit that in the
first level of the game sid fell off a
ledge in the wrong spot and we walked
right into a game breaking glitch
yeah we had no choice but to restart and
play the game from the beginning
wait what where was the pause menu it
just jumped out to the level select page
without any warning what if we just
wanted to pause for a break i don't know
but i get the feeling there's more to
the story of this game than it's simply
being a sequel to a 10 year old wii
title let's do some research on the
developer maybe looking at what they've
been up to in the past decade will give
us a clue
wait does that say porting sid the dummy
to ios and that ios game has the exact
same name and artist crash dummy so
we've been playing a remake of sid the
dummy this whole time we can't call this
a remake can we it's literally losing a
dimension it's 2d now look at it this is
a d make dang it i refuse to hear
otherwise a d make and in the worst
possible way everything about crash
dummy is a step back from its crummy wii
predecessor this game wasn't designed
for the switch for the ps4 or even the
pc we've been playing a touchscreen game
designed to use all the power of a cell
phone from 2012. but it can't be the
exact same touchscreen game ported over
surely they spruced it up for a console
release
it's the same game well for them to be
bringing it over to home consoles all
these years later must mean it was
fairly well received at the time what
were people saying about it i could only
find one user review for the ios crash
dummy it was posted in january 2014 by a
user named
12 games there is no way out of 10 a
fantastic classic action platformer full
of brainy puzzles big level funny
monster and dangerous retro arcade style
big bosses easy to control the virtual
joystick makes a good job with only two
buttons on screen to jump and attack a
console style game on your mobile they
didn't even attempt to hide that this
review was left by the developers
themselves it's brazen stunning really
to summarize the crash dummy game we're
playing is a port of a touchscreen
mobile game which itself was a d make of
a bad 3d game that we've already played
and sid the dummy on wii was actually
better yes it used the wii's waggly
wiimote but at least when the motion
controls would fail it wasn't a surprise
that was a typical we wide issue for bad
games on the platform but crash dummy is
using physical buttons and the inputs
still don't work how do you even do that
sometimes you press jump and sid just
won't jump in a platforming game jumping
is a very important mechanic you tend to
use it a lot and then there's sid's long
laggy walk cycle which will carry him
right where you don't want him to go yes
jumping and walking two definitive
platforming mechanics are completely
unreliable but what if you combined both
of these elements into one mega mechanic
here we introduce the wall jump an
ability taken from the game's 3d
iteration you use it to make sid kick
wall buttons and do fancy backflips in
crash dummy you wall jump by running
into the wall and pressing jump now you
may not immediately understand why this
is so terrible well what do you do a lot
in a 2d side-scrolling platformer you
walk up to walls and jump up to the next
level so guess what accidentally happens
a lot in crash dummy
this right here this is garbage son of a
dummy two separate instances of the
exact same level breaking glitch what
are the odds of that i think the
question is what are the odds that's the
only level breaking glitch in the game
i know
30 minutes later
we've been trying to make this jump for
a while folks it's already worked dozens
of other times but not here why maybe we
need to try a different controller
[Music]
nope still can't make this jump stop
stop obviously the level is broken i
think we have to restart the game and
hope that fixes it
what is going on changing controllers
didn't work we're starting the game and
the level didn't work there's nothing
else we can do there's nothing else we
can
yay we did it we made the impossible
jump and can get the rest of this
nightmare over with eight minutes later
we cannot get through this timed gate
and not because the timer it's because
of the controls it's impossible to make
it across when sid's broken jump lands
us in the acid again
and again
hey where'd the button go that lowers
the gate
it's gone does this mean the gate is
down permanently no oh no oh no no no
great the game's glitched and now
there's no way to lower the gate we're
trapped
we're gonna have to restart and play it
again and you know what that means
oh it worked this time first try the
game put us through agony having to
repeat the same stupid button inputs
over and over again but now it just
works uh-huh i honestly don't know
whether i should be relieved or enraged
maybe this will cheer you up a ghost
tube maybe the ghost of the money we
wasted on crash dummy will come out and
say hi not worth it
not sure the context but he's not wrong
i guess we don't need to be told we
wasted money on crash dummy we know and
it's not only the game breaking glitches
on responsive controls and lazy level
design that bugs us it's that crash
dummy happens to be a master class in
what we call spiteful game design this
is when it feels like a game developer
is sending you a direct i hate you
message with every design choice
these spike pits are everywhere and they
all suck but the worst are the ones they
literally hide from you so you don't
have any chance of avoiding them
there's no point no strategy they're
there to spite you there are also
automatic gun turrets and they are the
ultimate game design middle finger when
you get close they fire at you
mercilessly until you run away sid has
no defense against them but the worst
part he's supposed to in the sid the
dummy release on wii there are automatic
turrets in this level but sid can
disable them when he does the red light
on top turns green and they stop firing
here the same red light is present but
it doesn't do anything you have no
interaction options with these things at
all
so they included the automatic death
machines but didn't include the ability
to turn them off can't even d-make your
own freaking game properly let's look at
mega man again yes the games are also
challenging throw lots of enemies at you
and at least initially you will die a
lot but you never have anyone to blame
but yourself with every death you learn
something new about how the level is
played and then you're actually able to
apply what you've learned to get better
at the game which only works because the
inputs work every time and the enemy's
attacks are predictable it may look
chaotic but there actually is purpose to
the design it's organized chaos in crash
dummy it's just plain chaos
at least in mega man his jump always
worked what's wrong with this game we
just get past a section where the jump
is glitched and the same problem comes
up again in the same level
[Music]
ouch this is enough i've put up with
broken gameplay in glitch after glitch
but it can only take so much looks like
we won't be able to complete crash dummy
after all oh we will finish the game how
how are we going to do that we've been
playing the nintendo switch release but
this isn't the only version of the game
we're gonna buy crash dummy on pc and
ps4 because at least one of them must
freaking work
not worth it okay let's do it the
platforming the fighting a spiking let's
do it all over again we started by
trying out crash dummy on pc and we
immediately noticed problems the first
one was that the game did not function
with the keyboard it's a pc game how did
you forget that function no matter what
we tried we couldn't get it to work
we're serious folks we also realize that
the game doesn't have a quit or exit
function we were forced to control alt
delete to quit the game what are you
doing
if they thought that was okay then we
were afraid to see what else this
version had in store for us so we never
turned it back on again switch down pc
down all we've got left is the
playstation 4 version and this one comes
with its own specific flaws like the
playstation 4 home menu doesn't suspend
the game leaves it alone too long and
this can happen
so player beware and then there was this
error in the tutorial dialogue professor
what's this spring for half equals one
you can bounce against the horizontal
springs using super run you will be
going fast enough to perform your smash
move that second line is supposed to be
read by the professor but a typo in
their own code put his line in sid's
dialog box whoops there's also bizarre
small differences like the number of
orbs here on switch it was just two orbs
and sid missed one of them but on ps4
there's a line of five and sid follows
it perfectly it happens again here on
switch there's no orbs above this spring
but on ps4 you get all the orbs
ultimately it doesn't make a difference
but it is noticeable kinda like the
game's controls on ps4 we maybe felt
like we had a little bit more control
than on switch but not enough to make
this game feel good to play but it does
mean things have changed and we might be
able to beat this one i can't believe
we're playing this game so much that
we're able to see version differences i
don't think i want this knowledge i
don't think anyone wants this knowledge
but look look that jump we couldn't make
in the switch release we cleared it on
the ps4
it only took us eight minutes so clearly
the game's not that much better on ps4
just enough to actually allow us to
finish it hopefully as we get further
and further in crash dummy it becomes
apparent the developers just stopped
caring at a certain point they stopped
explaining mechanics like how to
navigate past these rectangular
obstacles in the ice mountain level what
even are these you have no bazooka ammo
to shoot at them and you can't punch
them you do get freeze gun ammo but they
don't tell you anything about how your
freeze gun works or what it could be
used for you have to figure out for
yourself that you shoot the grey
monolith to freeze it and punch it you
also are left to figure out why a
concrete rectangle is just in the middle
of nowhere on an icy mountain but maybe
the worst is this one specific sequence
of the volcano level we were so
impressed by how many wrong choices
could be made in a short sequence that
we just have to break it down the grey
platform here is rising up and down
clipping through the lava and level
geometry when sid jumps off the platform
he clips through the ceiling they made
the board sid has to land on a lava red
color the color of danger and death once
you're done fighting off a lava rock
monster with the already established bad
combat mechanics we come to a dead end
this is the end of the level so where do
you go the only option appears to be
jumping into the lava the lava the game
just told us we shouldn't get close to
because it's gonna melt our dummy friend
the game has been broken and buggy and
downright frustrating but they wouldn't
go this far would they
that actually worked it's crazy there's
no way someone thought this was okay
it's just totally counter to every game
design principle you'd learn if you ever
played any video game ever made but that
all pales in comparison to the final
level detroit's castle this is proof
that at the end they just gave up the
level has led us here to this opening we
go through it and there's another
platforming section it leads to a dead
end so we backtrack and return to the
castle where there's nowhere to go
except where we came from or back to
where we just were the game has stranded
us with no idea where we should go we
seriously consider that the game broke
itself and we hit the end of the road
but there was one thing we hadn't tried
yet
[Music]
they made a doorway that you have to
jump over to get past and it's not
hidden away down a hall or at the end of
the level it's smack dab in the middle
of the level they actually designed
something that diverts you away from
where you need to go they're not even
trying to be subtle with this spiteful
game design they're just laughing right
in our faces
this level is just one spiteful trap
after another like this gap that's so
narrow sid has trouble getting through
this dead end we hit and didn't know how
to get to the next level
turns out they placed a spring hidden
behind this fan these rotary saw blades
that are placed perfectly so sid can't
avoid them we tried ducking under them
but we couldn't and then we can't jump
over them because there's a ceiling
there blocking our jump they left us
with no options
hey that's my line more proof that the
team started doing whatever they wanted
is hung on the castle walls there's
absolutely no reason for detroit to hang
up a picture of steve jobs or sir clive
sinclair the creator of the zx spectrum
computer and it just gets weirder with
the ghosts from pac-man the super
mushroom from super mario bros and pong
why would detroit have a picture of pong
in his castle is he a big retro gamer or
something i'd really like to know the
backstory on this speaking of story
we're nearing the end of this one we
make it through this hideous level and
defeat detroit himself
i will have my revenge
soon well done sid i knew you could do
it mia is safe and sound back where she
belongs actually it wasn't my idea i
only did it so i could see life outside
the warehouse it's not all it's cracked
up to be
i said you were different i'm so proud
of you both let's go home your reward
for your patience and perseverance
through this nightmare of a game is a
60-second cut scene that basically says
congratulations now let's go home no
credits or anything apparently no one
wanted their name attached to this crime
against fun crash dummy does not feel
like a labor of love everything about
this game comes off as cheap and lazy
the glitchy levels the sloppy controls
not to mention the fact that the entire
game is basically a low quality copy and
paste of sid the dummy and these flash
card cutscenes are just terrible we
don't mean the graphics this is probably
the best the basic cell phones could
actually do at the time it's what's
below the graphics that's wrong they
didn't even format the text properly
sentences just run into each other with
no spaces between them and they start to
use name labels and color coding so we
know what's going on but once you get to
the second cut scene these labels
disappear and color coding gone for the
rest of the game all cut scene dialog is
in purple except for the first line
which is yellow for some reason and you
can't even follow what's going on at
times through all the typos and errors
just listen to this mia dummy must be
taken away from professor advisor we
must prevent him to waste the ess
technology at all costs i know you're in
detroit's castle but i need to find the
way right now i'm in a
cemetery i'm so impressed professor
advisor made a very good job with you
nobody has reached the entrance of my
castle before try to shoot him when is
not attacking you
yeah i don't know
crazy puppet i'm waiting you
on the top of my tower and period one
well i tough i got lost but thanks for
the useful info now i know i'm on the
right way you are getting yourself into
serious
troubles they started with an idea and
then they just gave up they just gave up
that's the best way to describe this
entire game instead of porting their
already existing 3d game over to new
platforms they reinvented their once
terrible game into something even worse
that feels far lazier than what came
before if someone asked us what sid the
dummy game they should play we'd say
none but if you had to pick one if
someone was threatening your life at
blaster point it would never be any
version of this game we didn't like the
first game not even a little bit but to
know to witness to experience this
deluded d-make i'm without words really
because i think there's three that
probably come to mind it's
just bad
[Music]
you