you went on a trip we haven't got to
talk about it yet no we haven't what
you're going to cruise to
bermuda
fender bermuda yeah pink sands it's
crazy man the the roads and the scooters
yeah like you got to be you got to have
a daredevil in you to drive around there
and not if you're not on a tour bus did
you ride a scooter no no well that's
bermuda is where uh the infamous scooter
dude
what that was bermuda
oh no scooter took his ride
wrote off with my fiancee
me and you laughing about it
[Laughter]
scoot it dude it'll never happen to me
he'll never [ __ ] get her never
she loves me
[Laughter]
oh you're so much better for it man yeah
wow what a [ __ ] angry young man like
couple months i had to [ __ ] nurse
inertia q back to [ __ ] a state of
stable mental health story people won't
know what you're referencing right now
uh no i told the story completely
they're definitely a live show they told
it at the live show yeah yeah
where somebody had a scooter
i was there bermudian well no no
mom
[Laughter]
you look unsatisfied girl
up on my scooter
uh i feel positive we had to have told
this i know we definitely talked about
it very briefly at the uh ohio condensed
versions people know or you don't want
that no i don't mind telling the story
but i just feel like [ __ ] we'll tell
him again he's like i used to watch pawn
stars
kiss her go to bed do the same thing the
next day best life ever
a young 24 year old me
real condensed version it actually is
really great like
it's it's i mean
i mean
when it's all over i mean
what do what did what did you just oh i
was doing i mean she's just happily
married with three kids in a nice house
a couple of cars some pensions
she definitely lost what a jerk
but is what she said or she said to you
and i remember you called me immediately
after it happened what was it when uh
she i guess she went out dancing with
her friends
yeah
well what happened was
what happened was i was i was engaged
very young how old are you i was like
24. how old were you how long were you
recording this well i was with her
since i was 18. so six years yeah my
high school sweetheart yeah
was gonna be special
and uh we were different
and this is definitely i think the um
the this is the like this is the bat
flying or this is the bruce wayne
seeing his parents it's set off a lot
this is what this is this is what's on
the queue that we all hear you know
finger in anything that walks this is
the monster she created yeah
um
it was
amazing
come here
can i ever finger you
the um
the uh
so you know i i've i've struggled with
of course uh you know various levels of
depression over
the course of my life and and i had hit
like a major one at that point
and um what would be what prior to the
wedding six months this all went down
this night i'm about to tell you about
about was six months before the wedding
and you were in you're in the of the
throne depression
and you didn't know what it was
uh
it was intending was it like you didn't
know it was in retrospect it was yeah
and a lot of it was your job
yep hated this job at the point i was
selling signs for a um
yeah exactly
it was like you know the office they
sell paper the same job but i sold signs
and i didn't have wacky
endearing office mates at all you had to
hit the you had to hit the payment to
sell these signs
no it works really because you were in
an all cubicle making phone calls to
people who didn't want your phone call
hello sir
are you in need of safety signage
oh safety signs yeah or safety signs it
was like have you cracked your skull
open inadvertently
so i would call like i would call like
um you know like um uh
pipeline companies uh you know you need
to put a certain amount of signage out
so people don't dig it up i would try
and sell it to them uh telephone
companies like those numbers on the
polls uh construction companies you know
where your hard hat and how how beaten
down were you when you calling these
people like i mean
words
did you have the attitude that you
should have had to be doing this job or
were you doing that
as i may imagine i was johnson-esque
in my approach to the job
so
um
and the guy
who [ __ ] ran the company was a total
[ __ ]
crazy person and he was like he had he
installed the program on a computer that
every time we made a phone call
we had to log into the computer and put
in who i had called what was the outcome
of the conversation
and if you didn't have enough phone
calls he would call you in his office
and yell at you
yeah if you had too many he would call
you in the office and say that you were
lying and faking the phone calls
so you had to find
a sweet spot in the day
and all like i mean i if i called 50
people in a day
two want to would even get past the
[ __ ]
like the face how much could you make a
week selling these signs it depends like
i you know it depends like there are
people in the company who made a lot of
supported families on it because they
gave a [ __ ] but that's like
it seems like you landed an account
shouldn't these businesses already have
these signs yeah because they need some
[ __ ] schlub on the other on a
1 800 line telling them that like they
need these signs to to work
i will say are your signs wearing out
sir
the signs that were made that that this
company made it was called tech products
the sign that they made
um were we were [ __ ]
the guy who had made the signs patented
the way the signs were made and they
would they will last forever they'll be
here with the cockroaches when the world
ends right but unless it's like a
fluorescent arrow saying don't put your
hand under this saw i mean how is it
really going to it wasn't like i said
like jet fuel pop pipelines and stuff
like that i don't put him in the
position of now defending his job
i just i've always said this about the
place they made [ __ ] up like those
those telephone poll numbers they
they'll last like i can't believe i
remember this but the aluminum ones will
last like seven years these ones
you know three four years at best but
remember we were in key west and just
like you like we saw it's like a silver
band like an aluminum band with numbers
on it and you'd be like that's
products it was called right yeah it's
like that's tech product sign yeah no no
dude no pride or anything
all right so you're selling these songs
so i'm selling these [ __ ] signs and
i'm engaged and i don't want to be
engaged uh you know but you haven't
admitted it to yourself that you want to
be engaged uh
maybe they admitted it to me
it's you know it's i i have philosophies
and stuff like that and getting married
but you know you're with someone for a
long amount of time and you know you
just disrespected and i was too young to
know better and [ __ ] like that and and
she was great like i'm not putting her
down at all um
but it was [ __ ] [ __ ] every day the
wedding approached i was like
like i'm [ __ ] up and like is she
resenting the fact that you're like that
you're you're you're you're grumpy
you're [ __ ] you're you're you're not
the happy dwarf you should be you're
grumpy yeah
[Laughter]
she had her picking seven dwarfs and she
the one who made grumpy a little chill
[Laughter]
so i'm like but it got to the point
where it's like i'm i'm suicidal and i'm
like really it's like i i mean brian
will tell you i was like it was pretty
bad it was like i don't even want to
live like i can't i don't want to face
this future that i'm facing and i don't
know how to get out of it because i'm
not i don't have the tools or the
experience to know i can just walk away
from something that's not making me
happy
um
so
but i was like oh man so i i was like i
gotta do i gotta do something
unless you had like an engagement party
and it's like but like you say once that
balls rolling in people have
expectations
family yeah
wedding invitations are out was six
months away from the [ __ ] wedding
so
i'm actually all right so so we went on
separate vacations
i went to key west right away right no
not really it wasn't i mean it is i
guess because i mean like
i mean even who does that though who
goes on separate vacations no sure what
happened was her friends that she grew
up with their family go every year on
this cruise and she went she went with
the most years so she went with him on
that year okay and i was like well [ __ ]
it you're going out of town i'm gonna go
to key west with brian
so we go to key west and
we had a good time and
i'm not known for my cheating right you
you could attest to that
um and so i didn't do anything um
but and i didn't really speak to her for
a week and then at the end of the whole
fetch room is that not strange
everything goes by oh
okay that makes sense and this was mike
couldn't get ahold of me either yeah and
this is before cell phones really and
[ __ ] like
mike was wondering i was like he better
not be scooting around with some other
comic book store owner
so we're driving up the keys on our way
back to back to the airport right like
when the trip was over and finally i i
got her on the phone and i could just
tell you really you knew it right away
did i not know it right away got back in
the car
and i was like i said i don't think she
cheated on me i was like but something
she's got something to admit to me
i could tell
how could you be that perceptive uh you
know i just he wasn't immediately
started calling her a comrade
no i didn't call her comforter
he didn't call her comrade you called
her puerto rican company
we laughed and laughed because then it
became like she was on vacation and
there was some puerto rican guy there
and then that was it she [ __ ] no no
this was his this was brian
you're helping him yeah yeah
um and like
and he was delighting in the fact that
she cheated on me [ __ ] this guy and he
pumped twice and then came
do you remember this
[Laughter]
so that's how my friends handling it but
i wasn't worried because i was like i
knew she wouldn't cheat because i'm
gonna uh and you're you're still in key
west then when you talk to her yeah but
we're on the way home like we're driving
up the keys i had found the pay phone or
whatever two could play at that game
started sucking a [ __ ] right away
so
i get home and
it comes out that
she how quickly
very quickly it was over the first hour
there was no there was nothing wrong
like she was like look she's like i just
want you to know that um my friend's
cousin came on this cruise and you know
what i mean and everybody was there you
know we you know i just hung out with
them and you know when everybody ran
around the scooters and this is where
the scooter dude part comes in she was
like i would just ride on the scooter
with him
and um
that was it and she said that was it and
whatever it's like i i
i still believe that that was it it
didn't matter and i'm not a jealous
person so i didn't really it didn't
bother me really um and i had my own
problems going on with my own [ __ ]
head and stuff like that and i was like
whatever i mean i don't think i was
thrilled about it but i wasn't like you
[ __ ] [ __ ]
whatever what are you gonna do
she told you she told me
she wrote on a scooter with this guy so
so
the most demeaning of all forms of
transportation when cheating
it's not like a back of a limo
in a champagne glass pool or some rented
scooter over the top what's those pools
and limos if they have those oh yeah
they're hot it's not a hot tub yeah
you need anything fancy
so
all right a little bit of go-kart
a unicycle or some [ __ ] like that
um all right so she so that was that and
i'm having these feelings and
i think at the time i villainized her a
lot for this but i i i think i probably
would have the same reaction to her now
that i did then that you did to me then
one night i shot her down and i was like
look and i was like
crumbling before her like i was like
shaking i was like all depressed i was
[ __ ] up back then
unlike now
and
i said
this is the this is how i'm feeling i
wasn't like this is related to getting
married or this is because you it was
straight up like i'm depressed you know
i feel like a failure um i'm working a
job i hate i have no prospects
all this [ __ ] and the only reason i kept
working the job is because i was getting
married i was like okay what am i gonna
do i gotta [ __ ] support a family kids
another thing i don't want like and i
gotta pay for that [ __ ] too
so
i told her all this and
she
didn't react that great she's like i'm
going out my friends
and we were in in our apartment at the
time we had just the week before we
moved into this apartment
um so you're that's not the response you
were hoping to get you wanted support in
your a little bit of support what i
thought would have been nice but there
was none right and in fact i remember
she was like
i i said i said look i said maybe i
gotta go into therapy or something like
that and she was like six months before
my wedding my fiance is telling me he
needs to go into therapy how's that
supposed to make me feel
and i was like ugh
this one is wrong as it could have gone
i mean it doesn't make you feel it's not
about you but you know what i mean i
didn't even know to
articulate that at the time so maybe
there's a feeling of like i don't make
him happy he's miserable sure that's
what i'm saying i don't want to
villainize her right i think that would
be i think that may be like a like a
defensive thing of like wow you're
you're this miserable like we're getting
married you should be happy why are you
not like um why aren't you walking on a
absolutely like an inch above the ground
sure and she would be right to feel that
way i think she's gonna give me four
dollars i want to fill up my man's gas
tank
[Laughter]
so she went out with her friends and i
was left in the apartment and i was
sitting there and i was like
now i mean i thought i had hit rock
bottom
like she handed me a jackhammer and i
was like no keep going
i'm gonna go out with my friends
so she went out with her friends and i
was just sitting there for about two
hours and the phone rang
i pick it up and it's her and i was like
i was like i don't think i've ever heard
the story you told this story i told
this on stage yeah on stage was i there
you were there it was the mash up we did
in ohio me you mosher and it wasn't an
in-depth was it it was pretty in-depth i
thought i thought so too well you
thanked moshe and i for
this should be a movie lifetime
sure did they want to do it starring
less gold
elizabeth scooter guy let's
be a scooter guy
he scooted into her life yeah
so she calls you what happened bermudian
i'm not kidding i am i i really i don't
know this story so she calls me
and goes and i'm like
this is it like
what i'm looking for
she goes could you do me a favor i have
to get up early tomorrow could you go to
the store and get me some bagels so i
have something to eat for breakfast
tomorrow it's like 1 30 in the morning
it's 1 30 in the morning
and i hear all her friends [ __ ]
partying in the background there's like
music playing they're in a bar somewhere
on staten island and and she asked me to
go and get her and get our bagels
here's some motor revving in the
background
what do you do
um
i was like well i don't remember i
actually i don't remember what i said to
i know i didn't get the bagels but i
wasn't like [ __ ] you or anything like
that what whatever i said like i'm gonna
find bagels at 1 30 in the morning oh
it's new york there's bagels all the
time staten island yeah
bagel capital world so
so she comes home
right around two uh and we get into bed
and we go to sleep and i'm lying in bed
and i'm like
now i'm getting angry now there's a like
a fire in me
and i'm like
what the [ __ ] is wrong with her i was
like
whatever her reaction is why are you
calling me
asking me to get you bagels
like it was [ __ ] bagels i was like
that's so [ __ ] up
so i got up out of bed and i'm looking
around the apartment that i basically
just moved into and i'm seeing i have a
ton of possessions there
but i had one statue of the joker
uh something still no it was a bust of
him holding a balloon
batman's head
that's a great statue yeah i still have
it somewhere it's in my attic um
so he's holding he's got the pin in one
hand and right and i look at that and
i'm like in my head i'm like
this is all i need and i'm out of here
so at 2 30 in the morning i took the
joker statue
and i walked out
and uh
the next day she called me
she was like hey you didn't tell me
you're leaving last night and i was like
i just unloaded i was like are you
[ __ ] insane i was like who does that
to someone like that
i was like i don't i said i you know i
we gotta reevaluate this
and
and that was it i only saw it three
times after that night
so what so wait wait you said that it
was over the wedding was over what was
her reaction uh she was stunned
she was stunned she was blown away by it
and then immediate i think like two days
later like she was like
she didn't like i called her to talk to
her about it and she was like nah i
don't want to and then her whole family
turned against you and started calling
me a jerk her whole family turned
against me her brother her brother saw
me in public and refused to talk to me
like i said i don't return nobody even
turned his back home and he goes i have
nothing to say to you and like they
started like bad-mouthing me to people
and stuff like again i understand you
know what i mean whatever like from
their point of view
sure
um
and the joke immediately became that
this guy had scooted around the islands
with her and then brian came up with a
character called scooter dude who if i
wanted to go to the movies
he was riding up and down the aisles of
movies so i couldn't watch the movie
like he was like he would like i'd be
online at the bank and he'd just be rat
circling around down the street just
looking at me oh my actually dude never
actually was anything then he was he was
whoa whoa there's more listen to the
post
yes so the scooter dude actually
it all comes back the scooter dude
actually was a linchpin less than
six months after that night
they were engaged
and they they they got married less than
a year after we broke up
scooter dude scooter dude and my my
ex-fiancee
wow that's a great story
it's not a straight story without any
further ado it's a great story yeah
listeners so for years you can't put up
some ads you can't put up with some ads
for that stuff kind of
human drama
yeah
this guy's paying his own gas and tolls
every [ __ ] week after week after week
yeah and it's just like i don't want to
sit through hulu plus
[ __ ] dick
speaking of hulu plus
yeah what do we got so i mean that's it
that's the saga of scooter dude all
right well i'm gonna i'm gonna how do i
follow my cruise
from that kind of
uh high-end drama yeah you know the
highs and the lows right it was rough
walt it was wrong yeah and like i said
that night on stage without johnson and
moser i never would have gotten through
it never i said you wouldn't think it by
the way i was supporting him
that was the initial uh way you thought
for the therapist it worked you had to
keep him laughing though i mean
because he was you were really angry and
upset and like it was like it was a cue
that like you would not not even
recognize today it was two it was really
two months and and you know what and
sal
and stacey it was the four i say it all
time for you like it was
it was like
sal was there night after night at my
house you know what i mean you were
there every day i would be like every
day i'd be with you because i quit my
job i quit the sign company i was like
[ __ ] this i was like
two weeks later i quit the sign comedy
two weeks yeah oh you gave me two weeks
i was like i'm done i'm done i'm like
and
oh my god it's not that good it's not
that good didn't you piss on their
building
pissed on the front door
i love it
so it would be johnson the other day we
would go to lunch every every day
and i would go to south i would either
be out with sal that night or stacy that
night and they would just [ __ ] flat
out nursed me through the whole thing
i'd be on the phone with moser it was it
was a really intense
few months
a few months
so
there you go do you see any shenanigans
of the like when you were there oh
other people's ladies
no i i mean i was going to tell you
about about why um their houses are why
the roofs are painted white
but that's really the only thing i don't
have anything other than it's like that
like you know every house has a white
roof i thought i'd come back and why you
with that but i think i know that tails
[Laughter]
they're not going to make a lifetime
movie about white roofs oh and the one
actually do you remember the one time i
spoke to her in all those years
um
we had one email exchange do you
remember this we happened to be in key
west yep you and i
and uh she accident it was so the timing
was so bizarre she accidentally emailed
me something
like a blank email right i think it was
and i was like hey i think you meant to
send the wrong how are you and she was
like i'm fine
and uh later that night we were drunk in
a tattoo parlor and there was a tattoo
of a scooter
so i took a picture of my phone and i
sent it to her
and uh she she
took it a good good thing she was like
haha she's like very funny
so that's the sag risk buy me bagels
wear my bagels [ __ ]
[Laughter]
i don't know
you're a better man for it and that's
that's why if you if you suddenly feel
yourself getting fingered and you'll
turn around cues there bon jovi playing
that's why i'm sure there's a lot of
people listening you know they're going
through maybe some hard times and
romantically so
you know if q you got through it
oh man i'll get through it i went from
that the dark time there's always
it always gets better [ __ ] yeah i'm
going into the third season just got
picked up for a third season on the tv
show the listeners they might not have
that kind of god
just got a second series related a
little bit more to the common man now
like back when this happened to you uh
they're flying me off first class their
hopes up san diego comic-con this week
i'm getting flown out first class so
things get better everybody
it's all right
you know just just just i mean really
some real words yeah i mean look [ __ ]
my grandfather i said this i've said
this on the show before i know my
grandfather
said this to me about women but it's not
just about women it's about
relationships and heartbreak in general
he said about women apply it to men as
well because it's all the same
women like plates
you drop it you break it it ends
just reach up you get another plate eat
off that plate
get sick of that plate you just get
another plate you smash it yes don't
smash an angry trunk irishman
he was italian um
like don't don't sweat it just [ __ ]
hold on man and and and hold tight hold
on
around the corner great you know what
grab your joker statue whatever that may
be i tell it
could be whatever your joker statue may
be get the [ __ ] out of there
quick quick it ain't going to be easy
for at first it ever is but i had to
move uh back into my parents basement no
job because i quit the sign thing had
none of my name but a joker statue
man i don't even have the joker statue
it's somewhere that'd be sweet
things will always
yeah things always get better yes
uh
if you if i mean if we're talking
strictly about [ __ ] like people
considering suicide and [ __ ] like that
like you're not ending the pain
you're adding the opportunity for things
to get better
so don't do it that's true i never heard
that before that's that's steve did you
come up with that um i've heard it
before i didn't come up with it but it
applies
all you're gonna do is there you go man
so stick with it
and
you know it's inspirational big