[âm nhạc]
finally Bill Clinton just shows America
his penis the San Diego Zoo displays the
first rhino still born in captivity and
a woman is dumped on her 15 week
anniversary one day some Twisted Son Of
A Bitch is bound to teach you a thing or
two about living in this cold God
forsaken World But for now This is the
onion week in review saying This Is The
Greatest Advance in smartphone
Technology since the iPhone 4S Apple
announced Today the release of the Brand
New highly anticipated iPhone 4 se just
11 months After unveiling The Last
Edition of the popular smartphone CEO
tim cook took the stage to smattering of
applause to present the 4 se new
features including An enhanced Siri
Voice Search upgraded talk and type
Technology and updates to apple's iCloud
Software The 4sc is the one everyone's
been waiting for It has An Advanced
version of our iOS format and believe it
or not we've upgraded the camera two
full
megapixels according to sources along
i85 vice president Joe biden was seen
hitchhiking to the democratic National
Convention this week relying solely on
his charm and the generosity of passing
motorists to make the 400 mile journey
between Washington DC and Charlotte
North Carolina eyewitness reports
confirmed The 69y old vice president
rode in At least 11 separate vehicles
telling Drivers he'd get to the
Convention whenever the hell he got
there I dropped him off at a a Truck
stop near Chester about two nights Ago
said he Plan on Sleeping there told me
all the man needs to sleep is a bench to
Lie on cold one to nurse to bed it might
be a little Dangerous out there Al He
said he was carrying his butterfly knife
and that he just got his Green Belt and
tawo members of the supreme court said
Today that their newly hired agent rory
mcle is already getting them better
cases despite being hired only three
months ago mcle has already booked to
the supreme court high profile cases
such as Hill versus the United States
and the National federation of
independent business versus sebelius
Both of which members of the court agree
would have never happened under former
agent Jeff muslim I talk to the supreme
court Where they saw themselves in Five
Years they all agreed they wanted to
make it to the big time and that means
getting them out of all that Gun control
stuff they've been doing lately and into
some really great cases hold on I got to
take
this Hey
s my favorite Justice How you doing
according to sources All four members Of
New York based improvisational tr calon
are balding
we reports indicate that the bald and
out of Shap Men of whom are currently in
their mid to late 30s and haven't held a
single job paying more than $45,000 a
Year have devoted their lives to improv
despite Never once having received any
compensation for their work When people
ask What It Is we do I tell them It's a
mixture between really silly and really
Smart like that scene we did Where
Abraham Lincoln was a freshman in
college Why the is Ann Frank there
I actually just talked to a Manager
Who's Pretty into our stuff he hasn't
called back yet but I think itl be a big
step for us in other News the creator of
Bad thinks Maybe next season should take
a Dark turn An area Man crawls on the
ground like a pig to plug his Macbook
Pro power cord behind his desk and
prince Charles thinks the boys are
finally old Enough To find out What
happened to their mother Now That the
video IS over here's a tip about this
hellish world never Fall In Love she'll
Rip Your Heart out and leave you for
dead for more visit the onion.com
newsbeat