Onion News Network
To help their customers stay healthy, this week, frozen food giant,
Stouffers, began including suicide prevention tips
on the boxes of their single serving prepared meals.
The company hopes that the tips will teach customers alternatives
to unhealthy choices, such as killing themselves because they eat every meal alone.
The idea was conceived by Linda Horowitz,
of Nestle prepared foods, the parent company of Stouffers.
We are aware that the purchase of a Stouffers Mac & Cheese for one
can be a cry for help. After two minutes of watching your meal
slowly rotate in the microwave, people reach what we call a risk threshold point
where they frequently make the decision to end their lives.
Customers of this store in Boston said they appreciated the tips.
The tips made me realize that even though I'm eating
gravy meatloaf right now, there's still a possibility
that things won't always be like this.
The tips are written in a small font, so you have to turn on the lights to see them,
but it's better than eating in the dark again.
They give me the confidence to take my dinners out on the lawn again
so I can watch the cars drive by while I eat
Stouffers has also released a special set of tips
specifically for its lean cuisine customers
We wrote these tips in order to help the working woman
think more about feeding herself right,
and less about how quickly her eggs are aging in her ovaries.
In addition to hosting support forums on their website,
Stouffers has added a section where users can post videos of themselves
eating Stouffers meals for others to watch as they eat, simulating companionship.
To support the new campaign, Stouffers has also hired licensed counselors
to give free sessions in the frozen food isles of participating supermarkets,
and a friendly Stouffers van waiting in the parking lot
if a customer clearly needs to be institutionalized.
Based on the success of Stouffers new packaging,
Koshi has begun printing tips on the back of their cereal boxes
about how to not be such a smug annoying pretentious asshole.
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