[Music]
everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is
attempting to elude pursuers newly
discovered cave painting suggest early
man was battling a lot of inner demons
and a xylophonist is shredding it well
well well if it isn't The Usual Suspects
clamoring for their weekly allotment of
news summaries this is the onion weeken
review a new report released today by
the CDC found that as many as 14% of
Americans are now intolerant to the word
gluten CDC officials advised Americans
with a predisposition to such allergies
to ensure they were never in the
vicinity of individuals who use the
phrases gluten sensitivity gluten-free
diet or even wheat intolerance this
Tuesday FBI officials disclosed details
of a disturbing Al-Qaeda plot to just
kick back relax and Savor the inevitable
collapse of the United States
intelligence agencies confirmed the
massive coordinated plan involves
terrorist cells across the globe
training specifically to take a load off
and unwind as America's political itical
infighting class divides moral indolence
and environmental self-destruction
gradually tear the nation apart our
righteous Warriors will devote our time
to relaxing and really soaking in the
Infidel self-destruction America's
cities will be reduced to ruins the
economy will come to a standstill and we
the Blessed of Islam will kick back put
our feet up and enjoy the show it's
going to be great reflecting on the
persistent troubles it caused his
sibling during childhood local doctor
Daniel Barrett told reporters this week
about his average looking brother Kevin
who first inspired him to be a cosmetic
surgeon as a kid I remembered thinking
that there was nothing I could do for
Kevin watching someone you really love
and care about suffer from a weak
jawline or unsymmetrical features it had
a major impact on me and in this week's
local news a community theater gives the
part of blanch DUIs to Kathy
Hamilton in other news a movie goer
manages to sneak candy passed a teenage
Usher earning $7 an hour a new app
matches you with others in the vicinity
who wasted $299 on the same app and a
Roman Centurion crawling out of a New
York City manhole cover is in for one
wacky adventure having graciously spread
my knowledge to the uneducated masses I
now return to the stately elegant ranks
of news announcer Society for more keep
checking the onion.com