Haskell researcher announced discovery
of Industry programmer who gives the
I mean I know this this article is
is is is almost 15 years old at this
point but this is incredible I truly
truly only thought that Haskell was a
white paper language like fact that
somebody's doing something with it I
mean Pitt keeps telling me that he's
gainfully employed programming Haskell
but honestly I don't believe it like I I
haven't believed it yet I just don't
think it's real but I mean now we got
papers cup I mean this classic Haskell
writing papers that there are people who
actually care using Haskell and
production I mean classic haskeller here
uh the worldwide Haskell Community met
up over beers today to celebrate
there's dozens of us
uh they're unprecedented discovery of an
industry programmer who gives a
about Haskell on West is this about wait
is this article about you pick
are are you this person pick tell us the
truth on Wednesday researchers uh issued
a press release revealing that a 27 year
old Seth Breyers of North Carolina dude
sorry for doxing you pick uh a Java
programmer at Blackwater accounting firm
Ross n a Fordham actually gives a
about Haskell Mr Byers has followed
every single one of our press releases
for years and uh the press release
stated probably even this one
foreign
I love onion like articles
specifically with something like Haskell
this is so good uh Haskell researcher
Dutch van duralindi classic uh explained
how they had stumbled on their on the
theoretical possibility of Breyers and
his persistent interest in Haskell we
knew that there are precisely 38 people
who give a about Haskell said
Evander Lindy because every Haskell
related Reddit post gets exactly 38
upvotes it's a pure deterministic
function of no arguments
yeah
oh oh it hurts oh my goodness the
function the function returns ain't no
way that function returning 38 every
time oh my goodness that is the result
is independent of what is actually
announced uh but there are only 37 of us
on the mailing list so we figured out
there was a lurker somewhere facts facts
don't care about your feelings Haskell
that is or that or it was an off by one
error not detectable by our type system
oh Vander and Lindy added but we don't
uh like to dwell on I mean with good
units testing practices we can uh sorry
I need to get some water also Vander
Lindy stumbled off in a coughing fit his
fellow researcher abani and McFarlane uh
outlined their basic dilemma finding a
person who gives a about Haskell is
an inherently NP complete computer
science problem it's similar in scope
and complexity to the problem of trying
to find a tenured academic who didn't
have the bulk of his or her work done by
uncredited graduate students
yes yes yes
let it be said oh my goodness I still
remember the first time I ever did my
official first academic paper and when I
did it all the work and everything
finally came down to it did all the all
the work did all the research did all
the graphing did all the writing did
everything got it into a conference and
all the applying did all the driving did
all the speaking did every last little
bit of it and when we got done with it
the name that is first on the paper of
course the faculty member with whom was
our guide of course of course this is
just it I wasn't even a graduate student
I was I was a I was a back layer in more
than one way by the way oh I was
bachelored pretty hard in multiple
different ways so even though we
suspected buyers existed we needed a
strategy to smoke them out she explained
the Trap they set for buyers we crafted
a fake satirical post a lampooning
Haskell as unusable overly complex turd
a writing task that was emotionally
difficult but conceptually trivial
is that okay this
this is probably one of the greatest
ways to describe rust sometimes
conceptually trivial emotionally
difficult
it is it is so good the best way to
describe rust bam and we tweet it then
we laced the post with deeper social
subtext decline the endemic
superficiality uh and laziness of global
industry programming culture to make
ourselves feel better
finally
which was unexpected back to
unexpectedly contentious because nobody
could agree on what Reddit voting arrows
actually mean this is so good and then
we waited to see who if anyone would
give a she said McFarlane concluded
our elegant approach didn't work so we
hired a pearl hacker to go dig up some
personal details of all 38 accounts that
had ever upvoted a Haskell post and the
only one we didn't know was Seth Byers
uh so we reached out to him and
thankfully so far he hasn't threatened
to sue us
buyer says he is pleased to have been
recognized for his apparently unique
giving about Haskell I've been
giving a about hasgo for a long
time as I can oh my goodness a lot I've
been giving a about Haskell for a
lot for a long as I can remember now
that kind of reads funny I've been
giving about Haskell for as long as
I can remember I follow all their
announcements and developments closely
just in case I ever get the urge to use
the language for something someday
and that is how pick got hired
this is the story it's beautiful elegant
language buyers observed as he busied
himself cleaning a fingernail
you'd be hard-pressed to find a more
expressive and composable core and
they've made astounding advances over
the years in performance
interoperability extensibility tooling
and documentation
I'm kind of surprised I'm the only
person on Earth who gives a about
it buyers continued I have thought there
would be more people following the press
releases closely and then not using
Haskell but they all just skip the press
release and go straight to the not using
part
oh no oh poor Haskell oh gosh somebody
call 9-1-1 oh no people see the word
like monads and category Theory buyers
continued uh swatting invisible flies
around his head for emphasis and giving
a a gene shuts down faster than
than a tea Baker with a grade school
arithmetic book I'm really disappointed
that more programmers don't actively
involve in Reading endless threads about
the sub subvert Haskell type system to
accomplish basic set you can do in other
languages but I guess that's the lazy
ignorant careless world we live in the
so-called real world
Haskell researcher uh yavier Javier
Javier Escuela uh I don't know how to
say that name uh remains hopeful that
one day they may be able to double or
even triple the number of Industry
programmers who give a about
Haskell I believe the root cause of the
popularity problem is Haskell's lack of
readability readable support for
mutually recursive generic container
types pick is this real
pick if you're if you're here pick what
the hell does that mean can you just hit
me with like a can you just hit me with
a yeah that's definitely it okay so
that's it okay so he knows pic knows I I
knew it he knew it
uh
that's the dude for Red Dead no I don't
think so okay so this is real okay so it
is it is this problem
um
if we can create a monadic composition
functor wrapper that is uh that is
perceived as sufficiently sexy by
hardened industry veterans then I think
we will see an uptick in giving a
possibly as much as a full extra person
I can't believe I just read that
sentence out loud I cannot I I can't
even believe this is real Haskell
Aficionado Harold McDougall uh McDougall
is not quite as sanguine as his
colleague Escuela esquila uh I doubt
Haskell will ever be appreciated by the
uneducated natives of this industry as
exciting as it is the discovery of
buyers that should be considered an
anomaly and not a sign that more people
will ever give a programmers only
seem to pay attention to things when
there is humor involved
we do not have experiment experimental
humor Monet added McDougall but it
doesn't seem to be getting much adoption
or wait oh we do have an experimental
humor monad but it doesn't seem to be
getting much adoption Haskell fans just
don't see the need for it
you know I'm not gonna lie to you this
article hits home in such a funny way
and just arrived I'm not even sure if
this is sarcasm
in the sense that there's part of me
that's like I should learn Haskell
then I need to do something which is
every day of my life and so then you
know it's just not gonna happen you know
it's just as much as I wanted to we
definitely need more monadic composition
functor wrapper solutions to gain more
adoption I would agree uh don't forget
to wrap your composition functor uh
everybody knows when you don't do that
I mean
the thing is that you're gonna get a
side effect that you're not expecting
and that I mean you could be responsible
for that side effect for a long long
time uh the name
is that skeleton I can't believe I just
said that on a YouTube video that's
gonna be on a YouTube video my wife
might see that she might get linked that
and then she's gonna be like what the
hell did you just say what the hell did
you just say