- [Amanda] Hey, Psyche2Go-ers,
a taboo topic in our society
is speaking ill of our parents.
When we bring up our own traumatic events
regarding our parents, we're shushed
and shunned with phrases like,
"They did the best they could.
"They did everything for you." or the usual,
"You're ungrateful."
While our parents might have meant well,
it's undeniable that some are highly toxic.
The consequence of this lifetime of toxic parenting
is an adult who continues to suffer from
an unhealthy perspective of love and relationships,
and a lack of understanding of their own emotional
and mental needs.
So with that said,
here are 10 characteristics of highly toxic parents
and how they affect you.
Number one, they're hyper-critical.
Criticism from parents is normal.
Well-adjusted criticism can help you see the flaws
in a plan and make better choices for yourself.
However, if your parents are overly critical of you
on a regular basis, this is a toxic trait.
That it constant criticism,
and sometimes comparison can make a child feel like
they aren't good enough or at fault
for their parents' constant attacks on them.
This result is an adult who has a harsh inner critic
as a constant companion.
This inner critic can actually sound like
your parents' voice telling you detrimental things
all the time.
Number two, they don't allow you to express
your true feelings.
Healthy parents are aware that their children
have emotions and opinions too.
They welcome the expression
and discussion from their children.
Highly toxic parents don't have this awareness.
Highly toxic parents take a child expressing their confusing
and difficult emotions as attacks on their character.
There are no individual feelings,
just a few collective emotions.
Parents being dismissive of their children's emotions
can result in depression,
according to the American Psychological Association,
because their true self is being suppressed.
This results in a child who can't express or identify
their own needs as an adult, who suffers the same
and aims to please everyone, because that's what they know.
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Number three, they compete with you.
Being competitive is a good thing that can help you
become more resilient and confident about making our dreams
a reality.
Having parents that inspire you to exceed
in what you want to do is a blessing.
Toxic parents seem to view their children as competitors.
They might derail your success or goals by using sabotage
and belittling your dreams and accomplishments.
You end up not feeling confident in reaching your own goals.
Some highly toxic parents are quite jealous
of their children and the opportunities that they have.
So they might overtake you in your goals
or force you to live their own long gone dreams.
Number four, they don't see their children as individuals.
Highly toxic parents, or HTPs,
see their children as extensions of themselves only.
They want their kids to follow in their footsteps
or live out the dreams they never got to accomplish,
because they see their kids as small versions of themselves,
they fear the kids being autonomous and leaving them,
so they prevent them from being themselves
and functioning as an individual.
Any undesirable behavior that can make them look bad
is ridiculed both publicly and privately.
The child becomes an adult who doesn't have
a separate identity, nor do they know who they are.
Number five, they control their children using guilt
and money.
Healthy parents can give gifts, affirmation,
and physical affection without expecting anything in return
because they know it's not a business deal
that requires reciprocity to make it work.
They do it because they want to and love to.
HTPs will give a child all these things
and demand something in return.
If the child doesn't,
they're reminded of the sacrifices that the parent made
and everything they've done.
Children become afraid to ask for help
and for things that they do need,
because they'll be asked to give something back
that they don't want.
They may turn into suspicious distrustful adults
who question kindness and doubt people's intentions.
Number six, they always put their feelings first.
Putting your feelings first isn't bad.
But if you do it often and at the expense of others,
that is a toxic trait.
Parents who do this in a family environment,
don't create positive relationships with their children.
By not considering the family's feelings
and opinions about family matters,
these parents force their kids to hide their true feelings
to please and soothe the parent.
This can result in an adult who lies and hides who they are
and downplays their own needs and feelings.
Number seven, they demand your attention and praise.
Toxic parents can't live without attention and praise.
That has to be positive, of course,
and you must give it often.
Well adjusted parents know that their kid needs to be
their own person, away from them to grow.
HTPs constantly demand your attention and interaction.
This forced bonding is tiring and time consuming
for children.
They may turn into adults that struggle to say no
and suffer through things they really don't wanna do
because of leftover guilt.
Number eight, they withhold love as a form of punishment.
Being punished by your parents is necessary to learn
that consequences exist for actions.
However, healthy punishment options exist.
HTPs will often use the silent treatment on their child
to discipline them, instead of expressing their displeasure
in a productive way.
This passive aggressiveness makes the child feel pressured
into solving a problem that they didn't even cause.
They may tell their kids that they don't love or like them,
give them short, rude answers and dirty looks
and refuse physical touch.
This manifests in children who hide the truth
from their parents or engage in worse behavior
if they believe that their parents don't care about them.
Number nine, they give no apologies and take no blame.
Well rounded parents aren't perfect people
and they're aware of this.
They know that their actions can and do have
unpleasant consequences
and they communicate this with their children,
when they hurt them unintentionally or intentionally.
HTPs are not in that group.
They are not self-aware or focused on self-improvement.
They always see themselves as the victim.
They're too preoccupied with judging people
and blaming everyone else, even their own kids.
They refuse to give an apology because they believe
that children aren't worthy of them.
This makes the child feel like the wrongs done to them
don't matter or need correction.
So they become adults who don't voice any grievances
and suffer in silence.
Then number 10, they ignore healthy boundaries.
Well-rounded parents know that having boundaries is good
for themselves and their children because it teaches them
self-respect.
They will knock on the door first,
allow you privacy and encourage general communication
within the family.
HTPs don't know what boundaries are,
at least not in regard to their kids.
They give little to no privacy.
They trample all over boundaries and force
an immeshed dynamic in the family,
where you can't tell where you start
and the rest of the family ends.
Parents who display this toxic trait,
make it difficult for children to recognize, set,
understand, and maintain boundaries.
This child becomes an adult with little understanding
of healthy boundaries and respect for others.
So do you relate to any of the things we've mentioned here?
If you come from a home where you didn't receive
unconditional love, affirmation, security,
practicing independence and individuality can help you
break this cycle and be a better, more adjusted,
secure person.
It takes a long time and a lot of work,
but it's rewarding in the long run.
While it may not be simple or possible
for some people to leave their toxic parents and guardians,
action does need to be taken to start healing.
If you are a victim of toxic parenting,
therapy is extremely important and helpful long-term.
If you're a parent who sees these characteristics
in yourself, help from a mental health professional
can help you break these negative patterns.
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