(iPhone): (Phone Number) is not available.
(iPhone): At the tone, please record your message.
(iPhone): When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.
(iPhone beeps)
Hi, Dr. Nelson.
It's Jesse Ridgway. Um...
You were my therapist for many years. I...
I know we kinda left on bad terms last year. But I...
I thought I heard you're not even...
practicing in New Jersey anymore. But I uh...
I'm starting to get to that point again.
I feel like how I did years ago. Do you remember when I started hearing people?
I've told you. Remember?
I started hearing voices. Then I started to talk for them.
It's happening. I just- I- I- I destroyed- I destroyed my doll, Demma.
I would appreciate it if you would return my call.
Please!
I...
You used to say, "You wouldn't know if you're going crazy." Well...
I feel like I am!
I FEEL LIKE I AM!
(Cries of distress)
I...
I don't know. I don't know. My uh...
It's just my dad. You know?
It's family- It's family shit. Like kinda what- Remember when we did that group therapy session? It's kinda that again.
I don't- I just don't trust myself right now, and I need an evaluation.
(Stutters)
I have $8,000, and I don't care how much I have to pay for it. Maybe you can come to me.
Okay?
Please call me soon!
I don't know what...
I don't know what's going to happen.
I'm not afraid of anything else except myself right now because I just destroyed this thing that I cared about, and I destroyed everything else in my life!
Please! Please!
Please, Dr. Nelson!
I'm sorry if I...
was an ass.
I'm sorry if I was an ass.
You were just trying to help.
Okay.
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
(Breathes Nervously)
(Internal Phone Ring)
(iPhone): (Phone number) is not available.
(iPhone): At the tone, please record your message.
(Jesse): Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! (iPhone): When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press one for more options.
(iPhone beeps)
Hey...
Hey, Jeffrey.
Um...
Think it's- Think it's about you came home, and got some of your stuff.
Your office is sitting there, man.
(Unintelligible) I think you should come home, and get some of your stuff. Come see uh...
Come visit Dad, and see how he's doing.
Make sure he's doing alright.
"Prodigy child. The prodigy son returns!"
Fuck.
Just come home soon. You know?
It would be good to see you maybe...
Maybe this weekend or something.
I hope you had a good holiday, man.
I hope the new house is great.
I hope your life's great.
Just uh... I need you, man. I need my brother.
Uh, give me call or something or just come by.
I may be in the fucking basement.
Or you know what?
Might as well go check out my room while you're at it. Go look in my room.
As soon as you get home, go look in my room.
You can go ahead and fucking vlog it too.
Yeah.
Alright. See ya, man.
(Silently): Fuck! Fuck!
(Deep breath)
Making more rounds.
(Internal Phone Ring)
(iPhone): (Phone number) is not available.
(Quietly): Nobody's available.
(iPhone): At the tone, please record your message.
(iPhone): When you've finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.
(iPhone beeps)
Hey, buddy. Uh...
Yeah.
(iPhone): We didn't get your message either because you were not speaking or because of a bad connection.
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(iPhone): To record your message, press 2.
(Presses 2)
(iPhone): At the end of your message, press 1.
(iPhone beeps)
Hey, man. Um...
I should've...
went with you.
I should've got in your car. But you know what?
I can get past this. It's in the past. I have a plan.
I have a plan, and I need your help.
I need you to do me a BIG favor if you don't mind.
Hold on. Let me just do something real quick. Yeah.
American cheese. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, you know what? You don't need to fucking bring that. It doesn't matter.
Stat.
Please, man. As quick as you can.
I don't know.
I don't know where I'm at right know. I could use a friend.
Alright, man. Uh, let me know.
Alright. Bye.
(Presses 1)
(iPhone): If you're satisfied with the message, press 1. To listen to your message, press 2.
(Presses 1)
Shut the fuck up. Yes, I'm satisfied.
(iPhone): To send your message with normal delivery, press 1.
(Presses 1) (iPhone): To send your message with urgent delivery...
(iPhone): Thank you. Your message has been sent.
What the fuck is the difference? Urgent or... Fuck.
(iPhone beeps as it's hanging up)
(Jesse quietly talks to himself about what he will do)
(Quietly): Just do what you have to do. Do what you have to do.
(Quietly): Just play his game. Just play his game. (Unintelligible)
(Dog Barks Outside)
(Quietly): Just play his game. Just play his game. That's all you need to do. Just play his game. That's all you need to do.
(Quietly): Just play his game. Get the gun, and make this all quick.
(Quietly): Just be careful. Just be careful. Play his game. Play his game.
(Unintelligible)
(Opens Marker)
i'm a psychopath.
Oh fuck.
(Closes Marker)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm sorry, Juggies.
I will no longer... be trying to... break into the safe.
Let me adjust the angle.
(Tripod Creek)
My dad found out...
late last night.
He must've just coincidentally woke up.
He saw me on the security feed trying to get into the safe.
It's not even that he watched my videos. But if you are watching, Dad, I'm sorry. And um...
This is my self-punishment.
He threatened... to sell my car...
and destroy what he has in storage of my stuff.
So I will no longer be trying... to get the money.
(Sniffles)
(Exhales)
I... don't know anything now.
All I know is you guys, and I need to...
be upfront.
I'm not a good person.
I'm not a good person at all.
I'm not a good son.
I'm not a good friend.
I'm not a good nephew.
I'm just not somebody who you should look up to.
I've hurt so many people.
And I have to live with that.
And I have to look at myself in all of these fucking videos.
And I have to look in that screen right now...
while I deliver this fucking message.
I deserve every bit of this!
This is me!
I get it now!
i'm a psychopath. Yeah! Yeah! i'm a psychopath! I'm fucking crazy.
I'm just a shit son. I'm a shit person. I shouldn't have anything good. This is what I deserve.
I don't deserve you.
I don't. I don't deserve 3 million people watching me. I don't...
I don't... I don't deserve people looking up to me. Don't look up to me!
Don't aspire to be me!
You don't want to be me, you don't want to be a YouTuber, and you don't want to play video games.
All you want to do...
All you want to be is a man.
You want to be an adult.
You want people to respect you. You want to do things
that people will look at and say, "Wow! That is a good person!"
(Starts to cry)
Not me.
I don't have anything left. I...
And it's- And it's what should happen.
I should just have to live with myself. And if I can't even fucking do that...
Then who am I?
Who the fuck am I then if I can't live with myself?
What do I think is going to happen?
Maybe that's why I'm not leaving. Maybe that's why I don't want to leave.
Maybe I'm making excuses because I'm afraid to be with myself.
And that's why I have to make up these fucking people in my head.
(Damian): I'm not made up. I'm a part of you.
I don't want to be split.
I don't- I'm sick!
I'm sick of this fucking disorder! I'm sick of it!
I don't even want medication. I don't want to be- I don't want to be taking that again.
This- This is what I needed to do. This is what my dad did.
And if he did this he wrote that on my board, then I could write this in here and be (unintelligible). This is fucking what I am.
(Loud Sigh)
All I have to say to you guys is I'm sorry.
I'm going to be ending this video.
And... Uh.
I thought about it a lot. I have two choices. I either...
I might not be able to make videos for you guys anymore.
I don't think I can do it.
I don't...
I don't think I can spend another day...
in this room...
trying to put on a happy face for you guys when everything's fucked up around me.
I can't do it.
I can't lie to myself anymore.
I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO WHAT YOU DO, JEFFREY!
I CAN'T DO IT!
I CAN'T CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I'M OKAY!
WHEN EVERYTHING AROUND ME SAYS I'M NOT!
AND EVERYONE AROUND ME...
(Starts to cry)
My parents...
and my uncle, and my friends, and every fucking thing is ruined!
IT'S ALL RUINED!
(Cries)
And then all I have too. I don't even have Demma. I don't have anything. All I have is you guys, and I don't want...
I don't want it to get to the point where I fuck you guys up too.
And maybe I already have. So I need to end this before it begins.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do videos. I really don't.
I might have to have a last video.
And shut down my channel, and my dad would want this. My dad wants this.
And you know what? I'm just going to go live my fucking life.
So you guys don't have to look at me anymore because I don't want to. And if I don't want to, then you shouldn't either!
I never wanted to get to this point. I never wanted to get to this point where you're looking at me like this. I...
I can only imagine what you think of me.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that.
I want to be happy. I want to entertain you guys. I don't want it to be this fucking PITY PARTY!
(Deep breathes in distress)
I don't- I don't know... if I'll be filming tomorrow.
I don't want to come into this room. If I do come into this room, I just need to know
what the fuck I'm dealing with...
(Sniffles Twice)
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'll try and be better. I know...
I know how...
I have an idea. I know I can make this better.
I know I can make this better.
Come with me, guys. There's only one shot we got.
And this is the right thing. I don't care what fucking Demma says.
This is what we're gonna do.
Uh...
I used the tape.
At least you're good for- for something.
Fucking remains.
I only have one shot at this, Juggies.
One shot.
Turning around.
Doing something good. Something that I can actually be proud of.
This is the decision I support.
Okay.
Bear with me, guys.
Bear with me.
(Blows)
If I get in trouble for this, this is the biggest load of shit!
(Emma): Where's Damian at?
Shut the fuck up. He is not around anymore.
(Sniffles)
(Exhales)
Just open, please.
(Opens the door)
(Sniffles)
This is my only one shot.
Hey, Ella.
My Dad's not here.
Okay.
Here.
There.
This is us.
(Starts to cry)
(Breathes)
This is us, Dad.
This is us.
(Quietly): Please! Please! Please!
(Quietly): Oh shit.
(Sniffles)
(Breathes heavily while getting a sticky note)
(Sniffles)
(Opens Marker)
(Sniffles)
Ah. Oh fuck.
(Closes Marker)
(Sniffles)
We should play sometime...
(Starts to cry)
Okay.
(Door Closes)
Fuck!
(Breathes and sighs of relief)
Take that shit off. Take that shit off.
(Takes tape off)
(Sniffles)
(Breathes while locking door)
(Closes Door)
(Sniffles)
Okay.
(Tripod Creek)
There we go.
(Sniffles)
(Cries)
(Deep Breath)
Okay. Okay.
Alright. Um...
This- I just needed to do that. I don't know.
That's maybe the last decent thing I can fucking do.
(Deep Breathes Quickly)
Okay. Alright. Um...
Guys, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna just fucking go.
I'm going to have to call my dad.
Because I guess he's not fucking here. Maybe I'll be uh... locked in here for an extra hour.
I don't want to be in here.
I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sorry, guys.
I love you guys to death.
And...
I...
If anything happens, I'll have the camera on. But I do not intend to film anything tomorrow.
So with that, I love you guys to death.
And DO NOT forget to Keep It RiDGiD.
Goodbye.