Female Speaker: Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty.
This is Sex House.
Welcome to Sex House.
Jay: Tara and I tried to bang last night but there was a rotten smell coming
through the floor boards like a dead animal or something.
Tara: We're the Jim and Pam of the Sex House because everyone wants to know when
we're going to (bleep). Did you see one office episode where Jim
and Pam finally (bleep)?
Derek: Erin has taken to sleeping under the pool table.
I guess that's the only place she feels secure. I can't say I blame her.
Jay: What's this? Male Speaker: I have your Sybian.
Jay: Boom, Sybian in the house.
The girls are like "What's a Sybian?" Are you serious?
I've been jerking into Sybian bits since forever.
Alex: I'm going to ride that Sybian so hard someone's going to get too turned on
to not (bleep) me.
Jay: I don't know why Derek has to ruin everyone's plan here.
I know you're gay, dude, but Sybians can go on asses too, homey.
Frank: I asked Derek to help me get a fresh start with the others because being
gay he understands what it's like to be hated for something you have no control over.
Hey, I wanted to talk to you because I just want to put all of this nastiness
of the first night behind. Derek: What are you even talking about, Frank?
Frank: You and I, we're in the same boat here. Derek: No, no, no, I didn't cheat on my
wife with a girl half my age. You're disgusting.
So just live with it and don't bother any of us.
I decided to call a house meeting because the clocks are all running at completely
different speeds and there is no way to tell the time.
We need to talk about our options here. Something is seriously wrong.
The clocks - Male Speaker: All right, freeze.
Everybody is under arrest for premature ejaculation.
I'm Danny Volmer, popular Chelsea Lately panelist and clip researcher for Rob
Dyrdek's Ridiculousness and this over here is Kansas City based pole dance instructor
Camilla Edwards. Camilla Edwards: I heard you ladies have
been cold fish in the bedroom and I will show you how to heat things up with that
sexy pole. Danny Volmer: And I hear you guys are
striking out harder than Urkel backstage in an -- concert.
Right there, not so hard. All right, buys let's go upstairs
and we'll teach you how to really brow up, get some brow on.
Tara: My tattoo artist's sister is a pole dancer so it's an art form that I really admire.
Alex: All I'm thinking about right now is an Alex sandwich with Camilla and Danny
Volmer as the bread.
Danny Volmer: Hey, you mind if I grab a beer?
You should be taking those sluts downstairs to pound town.
This house is ripe with (bleep) and that is rule number uno, always (bleep).
I shouldn't be surprised though, this guy here hasn't been a brow since Old Spice
was just called Spice.
Derek: I don't know why they would send someone here just to demean us.
Jay: Finally someone around here sees things my way.
I was starting to think I was going crazy.
Camilla Edwards: This one will really help you with you're having insertion problems.
It will help loosen up your (bleep).
Alex: This feels so good.
Male Speaker: So why aren't any of you pillow biters sealed the deal yet, right?
Jay: Frank did on the first night. Danny Volmer: Frank, you? Really?
Frank: I really wish Jay hadn't told the comedian that, now he's going to go to
town on me with the zinger.
Danny Volmer: Oh bro, hey you're old enough to be her father if her father was
a big fat rapist.
I'm kidding bro, I'm calm.
Tara: It was hard to focus on Camilla with Alex acting so disgusting and Erin
sitting there like a ghost. Alex: Can you show us how to do this?
Tara: I feel sorry for Alex. Now she's trying to (bleep) Camilla.
Camilla Edwards: I'm here to teach you how to pole dance.
Tara: Seriously, pole dancing is not about sex.
Alex: Yes I do, slut. Tara: I'm officially done with this girl.
Danny Volmer: I said you look like a (bleep) with those glasses on.
Derek: Hey, what are we even supposed to be doing here.
Danny Volmer: Browing out, dude. So far your browing ain't growing, fancy pants.
Jay: Derek, brow out, brow out dude. What, you want to go?
Derek: What? Jay: You want to go?
Danny Volmer: Hey, watch out for AIDS. Alex: Do you even know what you're talking about?
Camilla and I don't even want you here anyway. Tara: You're delusional.
Alex: What's the problem you stupid tramp? Tara: No one wants to have sex with you
so just go home.
Alex: You could tell instantly that she broke her leg.
It was practically coming out of her skin.
Danny Volmer: What's wrong, skanks? Tara: She's hurt.
I'll get the first aid kit.
Alex: You're going to be okay, it's just a broken tibia.
You're so sexy when you're vulnerable.
Tara: I got the first aid kit but this is--.
Oh my God, Alex, what are you doing, stop it.
Danny Volmer: Who taught this chick how to dance?
Nancy Kerrigan?
Alex: Me and Camilla didn't have any chemistry but I thought Danny Volmer
seemed like the kind of guy who likes doing disgusting things.
Danny Volmer: Hey, you're coming on a little too strong like Roseanne Barr at
the Brady Convention. I'm out of here, a person's going to get
hell for booking this gate.
Derek: Okay, we need to figure out how to get out of here or we might actually die.
Tara: The next challenge is called Do It. The first couple to have sex wins a price.
Derek: Nobody have sex, it's a trick.
Frank: No more games.
Female Speaker: Next week on a hot new Sex House.
Derek: This definitely isn't a house. I think we might be underground or on
a ship of some kind.
Jay: I think it's bad.