♪He's the angry♪
♪Atari♪
♪Amiga♪
♪CDi♪
♪ColecoVision♪
♪Intellivision♪
♪Sega♪
♪NeoGeo♪
♪Turbografx16♪
♪Odyssey♪
♪3DO♪
♪Commodore♪
♪Nintendo♪
♪Nerd!♪
♪He's the angry...♪
♪Video Game...♪
♪Neeeerd!♪
Finally, it's time to play something on the Dreamcast, the final game console from Sega.
The fact that I've never before reviewed a Dreamcast game is a testament to the greatness of the console.
There just weren't that many shitty games that I'm aware of. It was a good piece of hardware for Sega to go out with after many ups and downs.
So what brings the occasion? Well, the fans have fished out this 'gem' for me,
because that's what y'all do is feed me with game requests to keep me going and
they say this is one of the strangest games ever made and happens to be called...
"Semen."
No. I'm not going there.
So, what do you do in this game?
Well the instructions say, 'You're free to enjoy Seaman-'
No, No, NO, NO, NOOO!!!
It's SEA-MAN!
SEA!
MAN!
Not semen.
As in jizz! Splooge! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!
The manual says go to meetseaman.com.
The website no longer exists, but I heard it was once a porn site. I just heard. That's all.
A Dreamcast game that sends you to porn. More like Wet-Dreamcast.
Set the time? Since when did video game consoles start telling time?
I have a clock. A Rolling Rock clock! I don't need this shit!
I can wear a watch. Or a watch is not cool enough. No-no-no, kids nowadays. They just look at their phones.
Yeah, I'd look so cool going around telling time on my phone.
Yeah, you want to look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator!
You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.
[NARRATOR] You'll witness before you a phenomenon like no other.
[NARRATOR] My name is Leonard Nimoy, and I will be your guide.
No.
No way! Leonard Nimoy?! Spock, himself, is the voice of the Seaman game on Sega Dreamcast?
In the name of fuck! How do I get involved in this shit? I-I gotta figure it out. I gotta do it.
I gotta do it for Nimoy!
Okay, so to pick up the egg, you have to hit 'X' and the right trigger at the same time.
Why couldn't it just be 'X'?
Oh, maybe the idea is to go like this...
You know like you're grabbing something?
Yeah, well, grab my scrote! It's 2015, it's time to start saying scrote.
[NIMOY] ...then take the egg from the storage matrix...
Yeah, when he says matrix, He sounds like Galvatron.
Okay, let's drop the egg in the tank.
Now what?
Well, thank God for the instructions.
So you have to raise the heat up to a certain range and then just wait for the egg to hatch.
All right, while the game does its thing, let's read up on a little history.
According to the manual, the species that we will be raising was originally discovered in Egypt
in the 1930s by a French anthro-bio-archaeologist, John Paul Gassé.
His hypothesis suggests that the creature was responsible for transferring knowledge and language across the land during the Third Dynasty!
The creature is said to be the reincarnation of a pharaoh's son, who fell in love with the priest's daughter
who was turned to a fish by the God, Thoth, and the pyramids were built by the priests as a beacon the guide the pharaoh's son
back where he was eventually found again!
Well, they definitely put a lot of thought into it...
That's a lot of backstory for a game where you just stare at an egg!
Oh wait... It multiplied.
Now this is getting interesting.
Ugh, it's repulsive!
Woah...
AH!
Ah!
Oh...!
Oh my- gah!
Aaah! Get away from me you mystical ancient pharaoh motherfuckers!
Ugh, I gotta do it. I gotta do it for Nimoy!
FOR NIMOY!!!
[Baby-like babbling]
Weird...
"Forkabo!"
Did it just say 'fucker bell'?
No, I just always want there to be cursing in retro games.
Here's where the most important part of the game comes in - the speech. That's right, this microphone isn't just for decoration;
this is how you talk to the Seaman.
Hellooooo...?
[SEAMAN] Hello!
[Gasp]
It's alive!
The creatures evolve slowly over time.
This is a game all about patience.
You spend most the time waiting as things happen. You feed the fish, raise the heat back up, raise the oxygen, talk to the Seaman and keep them to live long.
And prosper.
That's about all there is to it. You turn off the game, come back to it a day later...
Or... five minutes later. Like me.
[NIMOY] You visit often. If one didn't know better, one might assume you're quite obsessed, or you have nothing better to do.
Oh, I have better things to do!
[squishy shit sounds]
Hello.
[SEAMAN] Yeah, hello. Whatever.
I just want to talk.
[SEAMAN] Blah blah blah.
[SEAMAN] Happy?
Yo fuckface.
[SEAMAN] Let's be sure and get my name right, skinpuppet.
[SEAMAN] You're a pain in the ass.
Suck my dick!
[SEAMAN] Hey, Seaman don't play that.
I'll... What can I do? I'll tickle you.
[SEAMAN] Are you coming on to me?
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!
"I'm gonna pee if you don't stop, hehehehe!"
[SEAMAN] ♪I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee!♪
Ohhhkay...
[NIMOY] At the moment the habitat contains...
[NIMOY] Two... Gillman.
The only Gillman I know is The Creature from the Black Lagoon...
In order to advance the Gillman through his evolutionary stages, you have to answer his questions.
[SEAMAN] Is your mom still working or not?
He'll ask you your birthday, your father's birthday, your mother's birthday,
religion, politics.... Seriously, this little bastard wants to know everything about you!
But he only asks the questions when he feels like it.
So you have to wait until he's in the right mood... which could take hours!
[SEAMAN] I'm mad at you right now, so go away.
Talk. Talk.
Speak. Speak.
[SEAMAN] Yeah, bite me.
Did he just take a shit?
He just flung shit at me!
Well, there's nothing I can do right now; the instruction manual says it best.
'This is not the type of game in which one can spend several hours in one sitting and expect to experience vast amounts of action or change.'
'As with life itself, change only occurs over time and even then, slowly.'
'Change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time.'
Whoa.
That's deep man.
But it's bullshit! The game demands I play by its schedule!
So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Oh, I guess I'll play this Famicom disk game,
which roughly translates to 'Explosive Fighter Patton'. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out!
No.
No way.
It's an official Famicom disk game that says the f-word! And this was in the 80's,
this was before Hong Kong 97.
It's an officially released game on a Nintendo console, that says "Fuck"!
Oh my God, my life is complete!
IT SAYS FUCK!
IT SAYS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Oh, I forgot about Seaman!
[NIMOY] I regret to inform you... that Seaman has passed away.
Ugh...
So it's game over? I gotta start all over again?
Ugh. Man, I was too busy saying "It says fuck". I gotta- can't I go back a day?
Hm.
Why not?
I'll go into the clock settings, yeah. I'll just set the clock back!
[NIMOY] The time setting of the Dreamcast internal clock does not match the time setting of your Seaman habitat file.
Aww...
Ah, it doesn't work. The manual says:
'Note that you will be unable to return to a previous stage.'
'Such as with life itself, you may only continue forwards.'
This isn't life! This is a game!
Forwards...
Hmm... we can go forward at least.
I'm gonna start over and this time,
I'm gonna keep jumping the clock ahead a day.
And that way, I can hopefully play the game faster in one sitting.
Eh, it sorta works.
You still have to spend lots of time waiting for the Gillman to ask you questions and
waiting for various other things to happen. It doesn't cut down on the total amount of time you need to spend,
it just makes it so that you can play the game in one long marathon.
The daily routines are: heat up the tank, turn up the oxygen, feed the Seaman, spray the insect cage- oh, right,
I didn't explain the insect cage yet. Basically, you have to keep the moisture level up
So you can grow Mothra to lay larva eggs to provide food for the Seamen.
[NIMOY] Did you see the moth emerge from the cocoon?
[NIMOY] It is quite amazing.
Or...
fascinating.
The controls couldn't be any more tedious; the heater gains momentum the longer you hold the button.
When you let it go, it keeps going for a bit, so you have to make sure you don't over-shoot it.
[SEAMAN] Hey! Enough with the heater already!
There's no way to turn it back down; it only falls gradually on its own.
With the water spray you have to keep tapping it, but only works at its own pace.
Ugh...
Alright, another round of that, time to set the clock forward again.
All right...
Hmm...
Something's not right. I think I'm losing my mind.
[SEAMAN] Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
[Wacky music]
Ah no, no, no, no, no!
Please, please! The Seaman are mating.
And they felt the need to announce it! To make it known!
There they are! Staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not...
...logical.
It dies?
It got fucked to death?!
[SEAMAN] In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
Am I... confident in myself?
Well...
[SEAMAN] You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself.
[SEAMAN] So tell me...
It all started with my pet Albatross...
[SEAMAN] The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you...
I just feel like nothing matters, you know?
[SEAMAN] If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes... ...have to keep up with technology...
[SEAMAN] ...what will your future be... it's a natural result of the world's economy becoming...
[SEAMAN] ...no reality independent of observation!
I-I Never thought of it that way...
[SEAMAN] Human beings are the only animal smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way.
Eventually, Seaman will help you move a rock that drains all the water.
He, or she, or whatever it is will crawl ashore, then spend five minutes making these wretched death sounds.
[wretched death sounds]
Oh my God...
Finally it dies, leaves behind eggs that hatch into turdmen,
suck each other's blood until one remains, grows legs again, and swims ashore until it becomes the Frogman.
This thing has an ecosystem more complex than Ridley Scott's 'Alien'!
With all seriousness, I know I've been negative, and yes, the game is tedious, mind-numbing and makes you feel like you're living in purgatory,
but... it's very creative!
It's basically a form of virtual pet game. A pet that happens to be a sarcastic, wiseass, son of a bitch,
but also intellectual. It succeeds in making you feel like you're talking to a living being.
[SEAMAN] I tell you, I exist just as much as you do.
Oh come on, you're not real.
[SEAMAN] People, places and things exist only because you perceive them.
[SEAMAN] When you see me and listen to me, I exist as a part of your consciousness;
[SEAMAN] I become real!
Oh, okay, okay. You do exist! You do exist! And you're my favorite game.
[SEAMAN] All hail Sega! Buy another Dreamcast.
What did you say?
Is that what this is all about?
You've evolved into a Sega mascot?
A piece of promotion?
Just like the old Sega commercials...
How they brainwashed kids with their 'Blast Processing'!
People play this game and get so attached to Seaman that the line between reality and unreality begins to blur.
Just like how people are so attached to the internet.
[SEAMAN] Just don't come to me when you're biologically fused to your computer screen
and haven't changed your underwear or talked to a real person in weeks.
That's right! People will all become mindless slaves to the internet!
Remember the Sega Channel? Sega was one of the first to offer downloadable gaming.
By attaching this device to your Genesis, you were plugged into their network.
We're all caught in the spider's web, and the final part of the grand scheme was the evolution of the Dreamcast with Seaman!
S.E.G.A.: Sentient Electronic Global Annihilator, it's hell-bent on world domination!
Why else would the Sega have tried to overtake such a big corporation as Nintendo
with their Genesis does what Nintendon't campaign?
Why were the systems named after planets? The Saturn, the canceled Neptune?
The Sega was trying to consume the whole galaxy, eventually the universe!
And why does Seaman want to know so much about your family?
[SEAMAN] Ha! My knowledge of you and your family grows ever more complete.
The Sega is trying to consume your identity! To learn all about you so it can become you!
The Podfish are coming!
They're here already! You're next! YOU'RE NEXT!!!
I must destroy it! I'm gonna move the clock so far forward you're gonna be ancient history again!
[NIMOY] It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on Seaman.
[NIMOY] I hope that Seaman is not disturbing your everyday routine.
As with life itself change only occurs over time and even then...
...feed me with game requests to keep me going...
...change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time.
[SEAMAN] And because I can see you and hear you and...
[SEAMAN] ...ugh...
[SEAMAN] ...smell you... you exist as part of my consciousness!
"See yah!"