he's the angry atari amiga CDI
ColecoVision televisions agony on
geothermal gravity feed odyssey 3do
commodore nintendo nerd he's the angry
video game
learn
finally it's time to play something on
the Dreamcast the final game console
from sega the fact that i've never
before reviewed a Dreamcast game is a
testament to the greatness of the
console there just weren't that many
shitty games that I'm aware of it was a
good piece of hardware for Sega to go
out with after many ups and downs so
what brings the occasion well the fans
have fished out this gem for me because
that's what you all do is feed me with
game requests to keep me going and they
say this is one of the strangest games
ever made and happens to be called semen
no I'm not going there so what are you
doing this game well the instructions
say you're free to enjoy semen no no no
no no it's C man C man not semen as in
jeez splooge man bazooka juice the
manual says go to meet C man comm
website no longer exists but I heard it
was once a porn site
I just heard that's off a Dreamcast game
that sends you to porn more like wet
Dreamcast
set the time since when did video game
consoles start telling time I have a
clock a rolling rock clock I don't need
this [ __ ] I can wear a watch or a watch
is not cool enough no no kids nowadays
they just look at their phones
yeah it looks so cool going around
telling time on my phone yeah you want
to look cool
put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with
the TV and a gas-powered electric
generator you'd be so awesome let's play
this you'll witness before you a
phenomenon like no other my name is
Leonard Nimoy and I will be your Garland
no no way
Leonard Nimoy Spock himself is the voice
of the sea man game on sega dreamcast in
the name of [ __ ] how do i get involved
in this [ __ ] I got to figure it out I
got to do it I got to do it for Nimoy
okay so to pick up the egg you have to
hit X and the right trigger at the same
time why couldn't it just be X oh maybe
the idea is to go like this you know
like you're grabbing something yeah well
grab my scrote it's 2015 it's time to
start saying scrote then take the egg
from the storage matrix yeah when he
says matrix he sounds like Galvatron
okay let's drop the egg in the tank now
what
well thank God for the instructions so
you have to raise the heat up to a
certain range and then just wait for the
egg to hatch all right while the game
does its thing
let's read up on a little history
according to the manual the species that
we will be raising was originally
discovered in Egypt in the 1930s by a
French and throw bio archaeologist
jean-paul des a his hypothesis suggests
that the creature was responsible for
transferring knowledge and language
across the land during the Third Dynasty
the creature is said to be the
reincarnation of a Pharaoh's son who
fell in love with the priests daughter
who's turned to a fish by the god Thoth
and the pyramids were built by the
priests as a beacon to guide the
Pharaoh's son back where he was
eventually found again well they
definitely put a lot of thought into it
that's a lot of backstory for a game
ready just stare at an egg oh wait it
multiplied now this is getting
interesting
it's repulsive ah get away from me you
mystical ancient Pharaoh [ __ ]
oh I gotta do it I gotta do it for Nimoy
weird for cabal did it just like [ __ ]
bell no I just always want there to be
cursing in retro games here's where the
most important part of the game comes in
a speech that's right this microphone
isn't just for decoration
this is how you talk to the seamen hello
hello it's alive
the creatures evolved slowly over time
this is a game all about patience you
spend most the time waiting as things
happen you feed the fish raise the heat
back up raise the oxygen talk to the
seamen and keep them to live long and
prosper that's about all there is to it
you turn off the game come back to it a
day later or five minutes later like me
you visit often if one didn't know
better one might assume you're quite
obsessed or you have nothing better to
do I have better things to do
[Music]
hello yeah hello whatever I just want to
talk
bla bla bla happy you're [ __ ] let's
be sure and get my name right
skin puppet you're a pain in the ass
suck my dick
a sea man don't play that Oh what can I
do I'll tickle you are you coming on to
me
tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle
tickle I'm gonna pee if you don't stop
or come from Alabama with my banjo on my
knee okay at the moment the habitat can
change to human the only Gill man I know
is The Creature from the Black Lagoon in
order to advance the gill man through
his evolutionary stages you have to
answer his questions is your mom still
working or not he'll ask you your
birthday your father's birthday your
mother's birthday religion politics
seriously this little bastard wants to
know everything about you but he only
asks the questions when he feels like it
so you have to wait until he's in the
right mood which could take hours I'm
mad at you right now so go away talk
talk
speak speak yeah bite me
did he just take a [ __ ] you just [ __ ]
[ __ ] at me
no there's nothing I can do right now
the instruction manual says it best this
is not the type of game in which one can
spend several hours in one sitting and
expect to experience vast amounts of
action or change as with life itself
change only occurs over time and even
then slowly change is only evident
through the accumulation of experience
over time whoa that's deep man but it's
[ __ ] the game demands I play by its
schedule so what am I gonna do to pass
the time oh I guess I'll play this
Famicom disk game which roughly
translates to explosive fighter pattern
why because people told me so they keep
feeding you this [ __ ] let's check it out
no no it's an official Famicom disk game
that says the F word and this was in the
80s this was before Hong Kong 97 it's an
officially released game on a Nintendo
console that says [ __ ] oh my God my life
is complete
it says [ __ ]
oh I forgot about cement I regret to
inform you that C man has passed away
oh so it's game over I got to start all
over again
oh man I was too busy saying it says
[ __ ] I got it can I go back a day hmm
why not I'll go into the clock settings
yeah I'll just set the clock back the
time setting of the Dreamcast internal
clock does not match the time setting of
your C man habitat file ah it doesn't
work the manual says note that you will
be unable to return to a previous stage
such as with life itself you may only
continue forwards this isn't life this
is a game
for words hmm we can go forward at least
I want to start over and this time I'm
gonna keep jumping the clock ahead a day
and that way I can hopefully play the
game faster in one sitting
yeah it's sorta works you still have to
spend lots of time waiting for the Gil
man to ask you questions and waiting for
various other things to happen it
doesn't cut down on the total amount of
time you need to spend it just makes it
so that you can play the game in one
long marathon the daily routines are
heat up the tank turn up the oxygen feed
the semen spray the insect cage oh right
I didn't explain the insect cage yet
basically you have to keep the moisture
level up so you can grow Mafra to lay
larva eggs to provide food for the semen
did you see the moth emerge from the
cocoon it is quite amazing or
fascinating the controls couldn't be any
more tedious the heater gains momentum
the longer you hold the button when you
let it go it keeps going for a bit so
you have to make sure you don't
overshoot it hey enough with the heater
already there's no way to turn it back
down it only Falls gradually on its own
with the water spray you have to keep
tapping it but only works at its own
pace
all right another round of that time to
set the clock forward again all right
something's not right I think I'm losing
my mind hey guess what we're doing over
here oh no no no no please please the
seamen are mating and they felt the need
to announce it to make it known there
they are staring you right in the face I
don't even know one that was female they
both have a male voice that's not
logical it dies God [ __ ] to death in
general would you describe yourself as a
confident person am i confident in
myself well you don't have to be perfect
to still be able to like yourself so
tell me it all started with my pet
albatross the most important thing is
that your dad knows how much he means to
just feel like nothing matters if you
manage to glimpse the world through each
other's eyes up with technology your
future it's a natural result of the
world's economy becoming no reality
independent of observation human beings
are the only animal smart enough to
entertain itself in a complex way
eventually semen will help you move a
rock that drains all the water he or she
or whatever it is will crawl ashore then
spend five minutes making these wretched
death sounds
Oh finally it dies leaves behind eggs
that hatch into turd men suck each
other's blood until one remains grows
legs again and swims ashore until
becomes the Frog man this thing has an
ecosystem more complex than Ridley
Scott's alien with all seriousness I
know I've been negative and yes the game
is tedious mind-numbing and makes you
feel like you're living in purgatory but
it's very creative it's basically a form
of virtual pet game a pet that happens
to be a sarcastic wiseass son of a [ __ ]
but also intellectual it succeeds in
making you feel like you're talking to a
living being I tell you I exist just as
much as you do oh come on you're not
real people places and things exist only
because you perceive them when you see
me and listen to me I exist as a part of
your consciousness I become real oh okay
okay you do exist you do exist and
you're my favorite game all hail Sega by
another Dreamcast what do you say is
that what this is all about you've
evolved into a Sega mascot a piece of
promotion
just like the old Sega commercials how
they brainwashed kids with their blast
proccesing people play this game and get
so attached to see man that the line
between reality and unreality begins to
blur just like how people are so
attached to the Internet just don't come
to me when you're biologically fused to
your computer screen and haven't changed
your underwear or talked to a real
person in weeks that's right people will
all become mindless slaves to the
Internet
remember the sega channel Sega was one
of the first to offer downloadable
gaming by attaching this device to your
Genesis you were plugged into their
network we're all caught in the spider's
web and the final part of the grand
scheme was the evolution of the
Dreamcast with C man Sega sentient
electronic global Annihilator
it's hell-bent on world domination why
else would the Sega have tried to
overtake such a big corporation as
Nintendo with their Genesis does what
nintendon't
campaign why were the systems named
after planets the Saturn the canceled
Neptune the Sega was trying to consume
the whole galaxy eventually the universe
and why the see man want to know so much
about your family huh my knowledge of
you and your family grows ever more
complete the Sega is trying to consume
your identity to learn all about you so
can become you the pod fish are coming
they're here already you're next you're
next I must destroy it I'm gonna move
the clock so far forward you're gonna be
ancient history again
[Music]
it is not necessary for you to lavish
quite so much attention on semen I hope
that semen is not disturbing your
everyday routine as with life itself
change only occurs over time and even
then feed me with game requests to keep
me goin tis only evident through the
accumulation of experience over time and
because I can see you and hear you and
smell you you exist as part of my
consciousness see ya
you